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Is there a true meaning to Christmas? Or is it only about getting stuff? Sarah finds out the truth.
This story came to me when I was thinking of the crappy traditional Hallmark Christmas romance movies. Wanted something a bit different that wasn't a knock off of "It's A Wonderful Life" or "A Christmas Carol". Hopefully I struck the target somewhere near the mark for this one.
I've tried something different with the formatting on this one. Please let me know if the way I did this is wonky, weird or just plain doesn't work. I'd rather not keep doing something like this if people don't like it.
Also, please give me critiques and thoughts. It helps me improve. Thank you! And Merry Christmas everyone.
This story came to me when I was thinking of the crappy traditional Hallmark Christmas romance movies. Wanted something a bit different that wasn't a knock off of "It's A Wonderful Life" or "A Christmas Carol". Hopefully I struck the target somewhere near the mark for this one.
I've tried something different with the formatting on this one. Please let me know if the way I did this is wonky, weird or just plain doesn't work. I'd rather not keep doing something like this if people don't like it.
Also, please give me critiques and thoughts. It helps me improve. Thank you! And Merry Christmas everyone.
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 70px
File Size 175.1 kB
I see I am being a bad influence, but good story with heart. Needs a serious edit. I liked it, on one hand better W writing, but yeah but messy in the edit zone. Formatting is fine, just need to hit another space under the picture.
Got a lot of comma stuff all over the place, especially splices (CS). Always check both side of the ,.
; His elbow sat on his knee, propping up his chin as he glared at the broken (don’t capitalize what is on the other side of a semicolon. Too long, should just be a new sentence.) sidewalks, cracked streets, and people walking outside to and fro, going from somewhere to nowhere (careful with lists like this, they are weaker and don’t always contribute to scene and can take away from it like in this case).
You mention paws once, but since these are horses that is invalid.
“Then said with as chipper of a voice as he could muster, “We’re
here, all kiddies out of the pool!””
Don’t put dialogue after the tag. It’s a bad form of telling.
No one’s getting my presents she thought
If you are doing italic thoughts, treat it like dialogue, basically she thought is like a tag. Thus you need that comma.
o,”
“Don’t you want to,”
“no!” She cried, clutching the box tighter. “Molly stays with me.”
Just dialogue needing its correct puncuaiton and captalizaiton.
Large glass windows from the sixties or seventies gave
Pick one or the other.
Large glass windows from the sixties or seventies gave light into the
old room, (CS) their ancient aluminum frames covered in a thin layer of dirt and dust, the glass showing the everyone a blurry image of the building next door (Plus sentence subject is missing nad needs reworked)
The canine was male. (CS) His large frame swayed a bit with each step, though his tail still wagged, brushing against the smallchild seats.
Vermin (Think of world in context most rodent children are called pups too. Vermin being negative in our world versus a world of anthropomorphic animals think on terms is important.)
Sarah and Jason sat back and watched (This is new and painful. No comma on the and if it is not a conjunction aka the entire thing is a single sentence.)
They brought the box back to their seats, and began to tear through colorful (Same here)
Action Figures with heroic poses from the latest comic book movie, one had even been given an Easy Bake Oven. (Just a mess needing fixed)
The bear cub’s
His father nodded pride filling his heart (no comma here)
Paws (CS) she clutched it so hard
overlooked.
Probably more CS and comma problems, but I have a brain like a goldfish right now.
Formatting is much more to my old sensibilities and preference.
And a very good story Lu. Always a wonderment as a Christmas Angel when the kids get their toys. Plus these two may have stopped a Yef from cominginto being.
Got a lot of comma stuff all over the place, especially splices (CS). Always check both side of the ,.
; His elbow sat on his knee, propping up his chin as he glared at the broken (don’t capitalize what is on the other side of a semicolon. Too long, should just be a new sentence.) sidewalks, cracked streets, and people walking outside to and fro, going from somewhere to nowhere (careful with lists like this, they are weaker and don’t always contribute to scene and can take away from it like in this case).
You mention paws once, but since these are horses that is invalid.
“Then said with as chipper of a voice as he could muster, “We’re
here, all kiddies out of the pool!””
Don’t put dialogue after the tag. It’s a bad form of telling.
No one’s getting my presents she thought
If you are doing italic thoughts, treat it like dialogue, basically she thought is like a tag. Thus you need that comma.
o,”
“Don’t you want to,”
“no!” She cried, clutching the box tighter. “Molly stays with me.”
Just dialogue needing its correct puncuaiton and captalizaiton.
Large glass windows from the sixties or seventies gave
Pick one or the other.
Large glass windows from the sixties or seventies gave light into the
old room, (CS) their ancient aluminum frames covered in a thin layer of dirt and dust, the glass showing the everyone a blurry image of the building next door (Plus sentence subject is missing nad needs reworked)
The canine was male. (CS) His large frame swayed a bit with each step, though his tail still wagged, brushing against the smallchild seats.
Vermin (Think of world in context most rodent children are called pups too. Vermin being negative in our world versus a world of anthropomorphic animals think on terms is important.)
Sarah and Jason sat back and watched (This is new and painful. No comma on the and if it is not a conjunction aka the entire thing is a single sentence.)
They brought the box back to their seats, and began to tear through colorful (Same here)
Action Figures with heroic poses from the latest comic book movie, one had even been given an Easy Bake Oven. (Just a mess needing fixed)
The bear cub’s
His father nodded pride filling his heart (no comma here)
Paws (CS) she clutched it so hard
overlooked.
Probably more CS and comma problems, but I have a brain like a goldfish right now.
Formatting is much more to my old sensibilities and preference.
And a very good story Lu. Always a wonderment as a Christmas Angel when the kids get their toys. Plus these two may have stopped a Yef from cominginto being.
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