For a long time I've struggled with the idea of "asexuality". Initially my understanding of it was very surface level as most of my thoughts were and simply played into the misconception of Asexuality meaning a dislike or discomfort with sex. At first it was just an idea, I didn't really identify with it very much. I was a teen starving for attention and just assumed I was what ever people perceived me as, Asexual not being one of those things. Even today people at first glace assume I'm Bi-sexual, or gay with my sexual experiences I've shared, which is fine of course.

As I got older I began having issues in my relationships introducing feelings of confusion, guilt, frustration, and a myriad of negative emotions. They clouded my mind and the ideas of Identity washed into my life. Most of these self-Identifications with relationships, sexualities, careers, philosophies, and more were ways I could cope with all these negative emotions. It was an excuse to say "You're wrong, and what you think doesn't matter". It was a very unhealthy way of thinking of things.

Talking to others about it changed my way of thinking and led me through a journey of Identifying myself for the good of myself, as opposed to the determent to my relationships with others. The idea of Asexuality once again wormed its way in my head.

"Am I asexual because I don't like the people look? Am I asexual because I didn't always want to have sex? Am I Asexual because someone made an offhanded comment about me not being interested in f*cking them?, Does being Asexual make me more special or unique" I thought to myself. Talking to my friends about my questions made me realize these are all stupid reasons to Identify with being Asexual as these are just normal human emotions that don't point in the direction of ANY specific sexuality. I agreed, continuing to be in a seemingly endless void of "what am I".

After some research I stubbled upon a few forums of people discussing their ideas of Asexuality. People said "I consider myself to be Ace but I'm still ok with having sex." Or "If you have sex and you think your ace, you're not." or my favorite "Asexuality means you cannot have sex with anyone."

Needless to say the idea of Asexuality was a very controversial topic at the time and this did nothing but confirm two things for me.

1. Asexuality was not one thing, it was a spectrum of different things
2. Asexuality was simply the lack of sexual attraction to people

Coming to terms with these two things made me evaluate myself, questioning my emotions and feelings at every turn, doubting myself every time I wanted to express my findings with people. With every doubt came another treadmill of "who am I". It was stressful. It IS stressful. Its ruined relationships and left me unhappy.

I've concluded a couple of things with this trauma:

- I am Asexual
- I do not need to prove myself. Explaining who am I only for it to cause doubt is not only unhealthy for me but my relationships
- I will still have sex even If I am Asexual. Sex is something that makes a great deal of people happy, and my discomfort for sex will not be something that stops me from making the people I love happy.
- I will be quiet about my Asexuality and allow people to perceive me as they wish, only correcting them if they ask to be corrected.
- I will respect and love myself no matter who I am, or who I become.
- I WILL NOT invest my time into someone who does not respect who I am. Not only in Asexuality but my being as a whole.

This vent will be posted publicly to validate myself, I've been in pain for far too long and I think its about time I heal and build the foundation of myself sturdy and strong. Ready for any challenge the future may hold for me. Thank you for reading