Mary was adamant. She was going back to church, and no one could dissuade her.

"Mary, I don't really think it's a good idea," Sam said. "I'm not sure they'll accept you... you know... like this."

"Like WHAT? Last time I knew, I was still a *OINK* congregant in good standing at St. Lucy's. All the years I put in at that *OINK* sodality should count for SOMETHING!"

"But... don't you think... since your transformation and all..."

"My *OINK* mind's made UP! I've already *OINK* missed Holy Communion ENOUGH times because of this nonsense! Pig or NOT... I STILL believe I have *OINK* an immortal soul, and I won't put it in JEOPARDY because of some *OINK* superficial alteration of my mortal body!"

Well, Sam thought... that's what comes with marrying a Catholic. And Mary had become... if anything, MORE "pigheaded" about matters of doctrine since her... procedure. Well, it was his duty to support her and make her happy... for better or worse... for human or porcine... so he resolved to take her there and let the chips fall where they may.

Mary knew she had to put her best hoof forward, as it were. She had Sam bathe her, curry-comb her, powder and perfume her so there would be no cracks about her being a dirty, smelly pig. Then he painted the nails on her trotters a tasteful shade of pink, to match her best hat. Some pearl drop earrings and her shiniest nose ring completed the ensemble, and she felt ready to face the congregation.

Sam was surprised how little pushback they had when they first entered the church and proceeded to the front pew. In retrospect, he realized that everyone had been so shocked they had had no idea how to react. Add to that all those lifelong admonishments to be quiet in church and there was nothing more than a confused buzz, mostly along the lines of, "I thought the blessing of the animals was NEXT week!"

Mary, terrified at first in spite of her bravado, started to relax as the Mass began. She was fixated on receiving that wafer at least once in this form, to do what she could to avoid eternal damnation, and confirm to herself and the world that, outward appearances aside, she still had a human soul. And Father Flotsky was coming this way. Sitting in the front pew was a good move. The issue would be forced early, and she would know once and for all where she stood with Mother Church.

We'll never know how he might have handled it... because then IT happened.

Powerless to avoid it, Mary let a colossal PIG FART right in front of the Father.

Now Mary had always been fastidious about such matters, and in her former life would have rather died a thousand deaths than pass gas in church. Unfortunately, she now possessed a pig's body, and pigs are not really equipped for squelching their bodily functions. Add to that the particularly ripe mix of delicious flyblown kitchen scraps she had unthinkingly been scarfing down off and on all the day before, out of nerves, and such an incident was inevitable.

It could have been louder. Atomic explosions, for instance, are louder. But, more to the point, not being silent, it was still DEADLY.

A putrid scent reminiscent of all decay and corruption imaginable rapidly began to fill St. Lucy's. Father Flotsky tried to keep order, but it was useless. A human stampede began to rush towards the exits. Old women in walkers were trampled where they stood, as the parishioners scrambled for fresh air at any cost.

The scent lingered for weeks. All the incense and Febreeze in the world was powerless to combat it, and Father Flotsky finally had to call in an exorcist.

Sam and Mary slinked out a side entrance and so avoided being stoned to death, but from then on there was no question of either of them attending St. Lucy's again.

Fortunately for them, a couple of weeks later, they discovered the Unitarian meetinghouse down the street, and were welcomed with open arms.

Doctrine, shmocktrine, thought Mary. It's more important to be accepted for who and what you are.