Been in a shitty bad mood for weeks but intensefied this last one.. So feeling the weight of the world and the need to take these emotions out of my system i did a drawing and if you feeling like reading theres below the vent i do every year, or month, or any time that hits. Now before leaving you with the text i just wanna say, the events and stuff lack the whole story behind and might not be chronologically set but in the end, this leaded to what i feel today.

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As the song goes:

More years with little meaning
Fractions of my life repeating
Feels like it takes forever
Breaking off from one another
Losing count of all the times
I put you first and left myself behind

Valentines aint my day as february my month, the memories of every single mistake i made with my partners as the lies i believed from them comes to me as a movie. As time went i slowly turned into a emotionless husk over time, the meaning of i love you slowly turned into a single word without meaning.

As another song goes:
How come getting fucked up isn’t giving me the euphoric feeling it used to before?
Why does every day feel like a death march?
Waiting for one to end, just so another torturous one can start

As time went by, i got grumpy and tired of hearing the same words, different partners, same words, same result.
As time went by, i told my self to improve, to stop being this shitty person, i don't think it worked.
As time went by, I got jealous of not having what others got, yet even if i got it, it didn't made me whole.

I bottled up my emotions and hid them far back in my heart, put the mask on and pretended everything was fine.
Smiled up and drowned the screams away with lots of stuff, it did worked, i was improving at expense of my own sanity and health.
I was burning out but i didn't cared, i was suffering but i smiled to be ok.
I got a new partner for some time but this time despite my efforts everything went south.
I was the one making mistakes?, no, this time i was clear as water.
I tried to check my self twice and it wasn't me so i tried to see and help fix things for both.
But it never worked, it never works.
Days turned to weeks and weeks to months, the cold touch of her words destroyed what i worked up.

As the song goes:
Whatever happened to the girl I used to know?
'Cause her sunny summer breeze turned to frigid blasts of ice and snow
Her stares are ice and her shoulders turning cold
What did I do to make her mercury start droppin' low

Nothing i could do, nothing i cold say, the damage was done and i felt back to the old ways, those bottled up emotions and mask broke up revealing what was inside, the old wolf returned. She notices that, she noticed her mistake but it was to late. Weeks of trying to mend a broken one and fail miserably as her attitude never changed, just a mask on to keep the lie on. Maybe she worried and tried to changed as i did before but she pushed me back for to long to get back, soon we both found ourselves between the edges and the cold.
Time passed, from whole nights together to minutes to just seconds, finally the day come and a goodbye arrived, we didn't finished for good but for a "hope you fine till i come back" but i know that day would never come..

As the song goes:
It all comes down to memories and casualties
You know I'll still be waiting
But the one thing that we have
Is knowing what we were
Yeah we said "I guess I'll see you around"
"I guess I'll see you around"

As time passed i feel like how my old mask remains on me.
As time passed i feel my real self trying to seek the light to shine once more.
As time passed i feel how this curse will repeat itself again.

I might not be ready to face whats coming if it comes but i'll be there, dead or alive.