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Part 2 of Talien Story
Haylee and the Temple
I've always hated my brother, getting famous and being the chosen one to keep our family heritage. It was never fair, I had to fight for my powers. Or so I thought back then, now he is missing and I got to do something about it, he fought for me before. Now I fight for him
As Haylee approached the mountain surrounded by forest, she saw what she hoped to never see again.
"I'm home," Haylee said with a tear in her eye.
The smoldering wreckage of a small village spanned Infront of her, memories of her friends raced the streets of the destroyed village.
“Nora, Lilac, Tyla, you all will be missed,” Haylee said out loud.
The orange Foxen with a braided ponytail that rests on her left shoulder continues onward through her birthplace.
“At least nothing is on fire. Such a horrible sound,” Haylee remarked as she has fennec fox-like ears of orange fur that match her hair color.
“How could man do such a thing, and how could my brother forgive them so easily. From what we know, we are the last of our species” Haylee reminded herself as she looked down at her blue hoodie she got from her brother.
Haylee stops in the middle of the street as she notices a little green sprout growing in the street surrounded in death and decay.
“Life can grow in the flames of war, mother said that, never believed her after the bombs hit.” Haylee said to herself with her orange fox tail swaying in the subtle breeze.
Haylee looks around at the rubble of the four watchtowers on each corner of the village. “Our priests sacrificed themselves so the fire wouldn’t burn the forest, damn, humans are idiots” Haylee remarked as she tapped the pink flower in her hair.
“What did we do to deserve this? Look funny? We were peaceful, we harmed no one and now we are practically extinct! Why? Just why?” Haylee cried out with tears running down from her zircon brown eyes.
She sat there for two minutes until she stood back up and continued forward.
After three minutes of walking, she reached a wall in the mountain covered in moss, but it should have been in the blast zone of fire…
“You better still work you stupid wall,” Haylee said as she knocked on the shielded moss wall.
The moss wall opens with a surge of wind magic, though Haylee effortlessly countered the wind magic spell.
“That’s never happened before,” Haylee remarked.
She marched on through a massive hallway showing statues of Foxens, angels, demons, and Astras.
“Our legacy, and why brother and I survived,” Haylee said out loud.
She reached the end of the hall and into a circular room, revealing four statues.
One of a Foxen holding a shortsword in his left hand.
One of an angel holding a silver bow in her right hand.
One of a demon holding a red claymore in his left hand.
And one of an Astra holding two pairs of chains, one in each hand.
“I know what you things are, let’s just get to the fight,” Haylee said, annoyed.
“For the living sister of the current champion. We provide nothing you dream. Leave this domain,” the Foxen statue stated.
“Oh no no no we are not doing this you stupid piece of stone,” the orange Foxen exclaimed.
“You are weaponless, you stand no chance of finding what you seek,” the statue replied back.
“Maybe this is why I wasn’t chosen, because I hate this entire thing, prophecy? It’s not real. But you have no idea who I am! Face me!” Haylee demanded, readying up a combat stance.
The four statues come alive and stand well over Haylee.
“I don’t care if you're six times my size, I will destroy you!” Haylee said furiously.
“Face us, kill us to pass, failing to do so will lock you out of this holy ground.” all four statues said in unison.
“Alright! Challenge accepted!” the energetic sister said confidently.
The angel statue pulls back the string of the stone bow, a spear of light just as big as Haylee herself gets summoned. As the arrow releases, the motionless, stale air roars a current into life blowing the arrow into the Foxen statue’s left hand, causing the statue to drop the sword.
Haylee jumps up and lands on a stone chain that tries to stab her in the heart, she then rides it to the shoulder of the Astra statue.
“You! Demon guy, I bet you can’t hit me!” she taunts the demon statue.
The giant sword carves through the air to kill Haylee, but she drops from the Astra statue causing the sword to cut off the right arm dropping it onto the floor.
As the angel readies and releases another shot at Haylee, she looks at the hurling arrow and it vanishes.
She ducks under another claymore sweep and jumps up and throws the vanished arrow into the neck of the demon statue, breaking it into rubble.
“See I told you I could do it!” the excited orange Foxen said.
She thinks, this stupid temple, as mysterious as it is, always has a plan. And why does this Foxen statue of my brother only have one shortsword, he has two?
She jumps back from a stone chain that would have impaled her otherwise. Then she runs up to the shortsword in the ground, climbs it and jumps off, landing on a chain that was right behind her, and then it goes into the bow of the angel statue, breaking it.
Haylee jumps off just before the angel could punch her off, and lands next to an orange shortsword on the ground that is her size.
“Wait? This is it.” she picks up the sword and feels the power waiting for her in it.
She smiles “Oh yes, this is gonna be fun!” she said holding the sword.
Haylee deflects a chain attack with the sword and runs towards the up the chain as she slices the Astra statue’s neck and gets its own chain to finish the job killing it.
“Two down!” Haylee said in joy.
She parries a strike from the Foxen statue, both shortswords in contact revealing to Haylee her new talents.
She smirks and then vanishes from sight, then reappears on the angel statue’s right shoulder “Up here!” she said to the Foxen statue as she cut off the head of the angel statue to turn it into rubble.
“It’s just you and me now, surrender!” Haylee called out in triumph.
“If you don’t kill us you won’t get what you dream.” the statue responded.
“Your stupid ways make no sense to me, but fine.” she said back as she runs towards him.
The two swords clash as she blinks on top of the stone shortsword, then jumps up and stabs the statue’s forehead with her sword, stabbing it, turning the statue into dust.
A voice is heard in her head “good job sis” When Haylee hears it, she looks around confused “oh, yeah this stupid temple told me that.” she responds to herself and walks out of the temple with no sword.
“So, thats why, you did have something for me after all,” she looks at the temple “He has it and was holding it for me until I have finished the same trial he did 10 years ago, thank you.” she finishes her comment and walks off, and ends up on the street with the flower, it bloomed. Who knows how long she was in that temple.
Haylee and the Temple
I've always hated my brother, getting famous and being the chosen one to keep our family heritage. It was never fair, I had to fight for my powers. Or so I thought back then, now he is missing and I got to do something about it, he fought for me before. Now I fight for him
As Haylee approached the mountain surrounded by forest, she saw what she hoped to never see again.
"I'm home," Haylee said with a tear in her eye.
The smoldering wreckage of a small village spanned Infront of her, memories of her friends raced the streets of the destroyed village.
“Nora, Lilac, Tyla, you all will be missed,” Haylee said out loud.
The orange Foxen with a braided ponytail that rests on her left shoulder continues onward through her birthplace.
“At least nothing is on fire. Such a horrible sound,” Haylee remarked as she has fennec fox-like ears of orange fur that match her hair color.
“How could man do such a thing, and how could my brother forgive them so easily. From what we know, we are the last of our species” Haylee reminded herself as she looked down at her blue hoodie she got from her brother.
Haylee stops in the middle of the street as she notices a little green sprout growing in the street surrounded in death and decay.
“Life can grow in the flames of war, mother said that, never believed her after the bombs hit.” Haylee said to herself with her orange fox tail swaying in the subtle breeze.
Haylee looks around at the rubble of the four watchtowers on each corner of the village. “Our priests sacrificed themselves so the fire wouldn’t burn the forest, damn, humans are idiots” Haylee remarked as she tapped the pink flower in her hair.
“What did we do to deserve this? Look funny? We were peaceful, we harmed no one and now we are practically extinct! Why? Just why?” Haylee cried out with tears running down from her zircon brown eyes.
She sat there for two minutes until she stood back up and continued forward.
After three minutes of walking, she reached a wall in the mountain covered in moss, but it should have been in the blast zone of fire…
“You better still work you stupid wall,” Haylee said as she knocked on the shielded moss wall.
The moss wall opens with a surge of wind magic, though Haylee effortlessly countered the wind magic spell.
“That’s never happened before,” Haylee remarked.
She marched on through a massive hallway showing statues of Foxens, angels, demons, and Astras.
“Our legacy, and why brother and I survived,” Haylee said out loud.
She reached the end of the hall and into a circular room, revealing four statues.
One of a Foxen holding a shortsword in his left hand.
One of an angel holding a silver bow in her right hand.
One of a demon holding a red claymore in his left hand.
And one of an Astra holding two pairs of chains, one in each hand.
“I know what you things are, let’s just get to the fight,” Haylee said, annoyed.
“For the living sister of the current champion. We provide nothing you dream. Leave this domain,” the Foxen statue stated.
“Oh no no no we are not doing this you stupid piece of stone,” the orange Foxen exclaimed.
“You are weaponless, you stand no chance of finding what you seek,” the statue replied back.
“Maybe this is why I wasn’t chosen, because I hate this entire thing, prophecy? It’s not real. But you have no idea who I am! Face me!” Haylee demanded, readying up a combat stance.
The four statues come alive and stand well over Haylee.
“I don’t care if you're six times my size, I will destroy you!” Haylee said furiously.
“Face us, kill us to pass, failing to do so will lock you out of this holy ground.” all four statues said in unison.
“Alright! Challenge accepted!” the energetic sister said confidently.
The angel statue pulls back the string of the stone bow, a spear of light just as big as Haylee herself gets summoned. As the arrow releases, the motionless, stale air roars a current into life blowing the arrow into the Foxen statue’s left hand, causing the statue to drop the sword.
Haylee jumps up and lands on a stone chain that tries to stab her in the heart, she then rides it to the shoulder of the Astra statue.
“You! Demon guy, I bet you can’t hit me!” she taunts the demon statue.
The giant sword carves through the air to kill Haylee, but she drops from the Astra statue causing the sword to cut off the right arm dropping it onto the floor.
As the angel readies and releases another shot at Haylee, she looks at the hurling arrow and it vanishes.
She ducks under another claymore sweep and jumps up and throws the vanished arrow into the neck of the demon statue, breaking it into rubble.
“See I told you I could do it!” the excited orange Foxen said.
She thinks, this stupid temple, as mysterious as it is, always has a plan. And why does this Foxen statue of my brother only have one shortsword, he has two?
She jumps back from a stone chain that would have impaled her otherwise. Then she runs up to the shortsword in the ground, climbs it and jumps off, landing on a chain that was right behind her, and then it goes into the bow of the angel statue, breaking it.
Haylee jumps off just before the angel could punch her off, and lands next to an orange shortsword on the ground that is her size.
“Wait? This is it.” she picks up the sword and feels the power waiting for her in it.
She smiles “Oh yes, this is gonna be fun!” she said holding the sword.
Haylee deflects a chain attack with the sword and runs towards the up the chain as she slices the Astra statue’s neck and gets its own chain to finish the job killing it.
“Two down!” Haylee said in joy.
She parries a strike from the Foxen statue, both shortswords in contact revealing to Haylee her new talents.
She smirks and then vanishes from sight, then reappears on the angel statue’s right shoulder “Up here!” she said to the Foxen statue as she cut off the head of the angel statue to turn it into rubble.
“It’s just you and me now, surrender!” Haylee called out in triumph.
“If you don’t kill us you won’t get what you dream.” the statue responded.
“Your stupid ways make no sense to me, but fine.” she said back as she runs towards him.
The two swords clash as she blinks on top of the stone shortsword, then jumps up and stabs the statue’s forehead with her sword, stabbing it, turning the statue into dust.
A voice is heard in her head “good job sis” When Haylee hears it, she looks around confused “oh, yeah this stupid temple told me that.” she responds to herself and walks out of the temple with no sword.
“So, thats why, you did have something for me after all,” she looks at the temple “He has it and was holding it for me until I have finished the same trial he did 10 years ago, thank you.” she finishes her comment and walks off, and ends up on the street with the flower, it bloomed. Who knows how long she was in that temple.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 61.6 kB
Listed in Folders
For anyone who reads this comment and is interessted. I need help finalizing and doing the worldbuilding for these two... Like for instance, what tech age and thigns like that. IF you want to reply to this with your suggestions I may take them and use them into my next stories.
Hey there. I'd like to help, but first, welcome to the Prompt.
What kind of world do you have here? Is it based on a place in the real world? You could start with details like the color of the flower or the style of the buildings.
Most of us have an idea of what humans, angels and demons look like, but haven't heard of Astras. So try to describe their appearance and significance.
Also, chains aren't stabbing weapons.
You say Haylee has powers, but don't say what they are. She opens the wall, "counters" its magic somehow and makes the angel's bolt disappear. How? Can anyone learn these skills,
What kind of world do you have here? Is it based on a place in the real world? You could start with details like the color of the flower or the style of the buildings.
Most of us have an idea of what humans, angels and demons look like, but haven't heard of Astras. So try to describe their appearance and significance.
Also, chains aren't stabbing weapons.
You say Haylee has powers, but don't say what they are. She opens the wall, "counters" its magic somehow and makes the angel's bolt disappear. How? Can anyone learn these skills,
I tried to keep Haylee's beginning power a secret, but its a miror style, it can absorb one type of spell or magic, then release it a later date, which is shown by the wind at the beginning, and knocking the arrow off course, then absorbing another arrow and shooting it.
Im not really sure exactly how or when i should say i want the time period, nor the location, Worldbuilding is my worst suite in writing.
Astras are, well in my eyes the spacy equvilient of Angels and Demons, they are starfarers with mist-cloudy like wings, and a starry constelation like skin, i based it off of an angel really.
Im not really sure exactly how or when i should say i want the time period, nor the location, Worldbuilding is my worst suite in writing.
Astras are, well in my eyes the spacy equvilient of Angels and Demons, they are starfarers with mist-cloudy like wings, and a starry constelation like skin, i based it off of an angel really.
Good story and well written action scene! As you were asking for suggestions I would say that some of the dialogue seems a little modern and American for what is apparently a fantasy story-universe. Seffstark also makes good suggestions above. It was certainly an enjoyable read though!
Welcome to the prompt! I'm sure there's already some good suggestions that have been given, but I'll toss my own here: Apart from adding some more description to the story, try not to cut off sentences into so many paragraphs. It's very choppy reading the story as it stands. Writing more descriptive phrases should help with that, I think. The structure of the story is definitely there, though -- just make sure you get a clear image of the scene you'd like to write, and describe it as best as possible.
Good read, despite this -- I hope this helps!
Good read, despite this -- I hope this helps!
i personally like writting in those sentences as a break to a new person talking, or to a new course of action, like each part is a sequence in a broad line, and right now, the descriptions will come later, i personally left this and Talien blank so i can release new stuff awhile working on worldbuilding... which i REALLY suck at.
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