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Ion rolled their eyes the moment they flipped the page of their calendar. Once again, it was the first of the month. Once again, the kingfisher went through their morning routine on the off-chance that it would actually matter this time around. Once again, they couldn't help but wince in anticipation as they opened their apartment door. And once again, more reliably than any periodical or journal, their doorstep was graced by... themself.

Well, sort of.

The impostor who stood head and shoulders below them was maybe half-bird at best. Its stiff dinosaur-like tail wagged excitedly behind it, shaking the blue burst of feathers on its tip. It stood as cross-legged as a velociraptor could get, its dangerous sickles tapping each other while the claws on its wing-arms tapped a comically large thermos intently. Two devilish blue eyes gleamed into the bigger bird's soul below two black-tufted ears, standing at full alert.

"Hey Ion!" the intruder greeted, flashing the needle-like fangs that lined its black beak.

"Hey... Ion..."

"Guess what month it is?" the raptor-bird asked before opening its thermos, the intense smell of pure espresso filling the air.

"Well, last month it was Feb-roo-ary - ugh, I just barely got used to hopping around before you undid that one - so with March I guess its... uh... Marrrrten March? Or a March Hare thing? I can deal with mammals."

The raptor-bird hopped up and bopped the original Ion on the head before swigging a heavy dose of uncut perk.

"No, you silly head! It's Macro March!" it answered with glee, licking the last few drops of coffee off its beak.

"Macro...? What, like image macros? Memes? Or is it that programming thing?"

The shorter Ion shook its beak while chugging its drink, then let out a heavy sigh.

"Don't worry about it too much. You'll find out in a second."

"What do you mean by th- OW!"

Without a lick of warning, the confused bird smacked their head on the doorframe. Leaning down, they rubbed a sore spot beneath their blue feathers before the entrance started cramping their shoulders. Dumbfounded by the odd chain of events, they opened their eyes again... only to find that trickster of a raptor was way further below their gaze than it should've been.

"Oh."

In one wood-cracking burst, they forced their upper half through their doorway, wedging their hips in what remained of the frame. The reality-warping raptor-bird laughed at the sight, darting this way and that as its growing counterpart threw their arms across the hall in an attempt to catch it. Before the portal grew too tight, the giant Ion pulled their legs through the gaping hole to their apartment... before getting caught on another pair of hips.

"Oh."

Now a massive bird-taur, the less magical Ion struggled to yank themself free of their home, snagging pair after pair of hindquarters on the ever-widening chasm. The more lower bodies of theirs that spilled into the hallway, the harder it was for them to keep inching forward. First their backs, then their haunches, then their sole pair of wings on their top end were pinned against the ceiling, even while crouching further and further.

When Ion's chest lodged itself diagonally against the walls, they made one last attempt at catching the other Ion, swinging a taloned hand wide enough to smother the raptor-bird from head to toe. The trickster simply drank the last sip of their coffee and leapt at the elevator, phasing through the metal doors without a sound. With a defeated sigh, the enormous kingfisher didn't bother worrying about their building anymore, ripping the ceiling to shreds as they covered their eyes.

The plucky raptor-bird reappeared on a nearby rooftop, carrying a fully replenished thermos in one of its wing-arms. As it leaned back and poured the concentrated caffeine into its already turbocharged system, it carefully checked the other Ion's building for stragglers and retconned their schedules as a favor, putting each of them far away from the pending hilarity. By the time it finished its second megadose of the day, the apartment complex's walls were bulging on nearly every floor, hints of blue and white feathers sticking out between the cracks.

The deviant Ion threw its head back and let out its bird half's signature cackle, snapping its fingers. As if on cue, the tower's walls started caving in, revealing their contents like a cocoon made of glass and concrete.

The colossus's beak jutted out from the roof, the jet black spear larger than its owner's former apartment. Ion squawked and squealed as they tried to stay steady, their claws bursting through scores of windows without a single scratch. As the towering taurtrain wobbled and swayed, their talons tore into whatever nearby buildings they could, looking for any kind of stability as their lower bodies carved up the asphalt below.

Pair after pair of legs sprawled out behind the kaiju-sized kingfisher, their lone pair of wings flapping all but uselessly as they climbed higher and higher. Sooner rather than later, they were resting their talons on the tops of the tallest skyscrapers around, searching high and low for that terrible troublemaker.

"How far are you taking this?!" the titanic taurtrain bellowed, their voice shaking the surrounding city to its core.

"That depends! How many cafes does this place have?" the raptor-bird shouted in response.

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Monthly Patreon sketch from  cervelet. Somehow got back to me turning me into a train, hehe, only with a thematic twist. Enjoy!