pretty interesting story.

the dialog needs a bit of work, but its still looking like a great story.

everything could use some some work to be honest but thank you i will do my best to fix it!

First person is often harder to write as characterization and description is lost do to perspective.
Show not tell through description and build your scenes. Use past tense instead of presence tense. Expand and develop your characterization. A beginning is an important thing, and needs to attract the annotations of your audience.

Best of luck with the rest.

thanx i will do my best with this... good thing i have five more beginnings to write!

good job ^^ keep on goin and youll be great :)