So, I've decided to undertake a new project. I'm going to be playing Pokémon Emerald and blogging my observations in a sarcastic and comedic way. It will likely be a very long undertaking, seeing as the first chapter is three pages and I haven't even gotten my first pokémon yet. Anyway, enjoy! I'll post it in the description as well so you don't have to download the file.


So, I open up the game and immediately I am greeted by some disheveled-looking man in a lab coat with what is clearly the look of a sex offender spotting a new victim. He welcomes me to the world of Pokémon. This seems unnecessary, because even though I may have chosen to start a new game, I’m pretty sure that 99% of the people who have reached this point know exactly what game they’re playing. I mean, it’s not like there was some overly-long intro sequence in which the word “POKÉMON” in large friendly letters occupied the entire screen alone and flashed in time with the music for what seemed like two minutes or anything. Anyway, he proceeds to tell me that his name is BIRCH. I’m at a complete loss as to why his name is in all caps. Is he supposed to be shouting it at me? Well, if I’m to assume that’s the case, then that would mean that everyone in this universe has a compulsive need to shout proper nouns at the top of their lungs, because for some reason, EVERY name, Pokémon, and location will be the same deal. But I digress. BIRCH goes on to tell me that everyone calls him the POKéMON PROFESSOR (okay, now this is just getting ridiculous). So…everyone calls you the POKéMON PROFESSOR? Because it was my understanding that everyone also calls OAK and ELM the same thing. Man, this world really has some problems with proper nouns. Also, I think it’d be really awkward to go on a date with someone who insists that you call them the POKéMON PROFESSOR as opposed to some semblance of an actual name. Finally, he shows me what is known as a “POKéMON.” It’s some weird leaf beak abomination whose pained eyes just seem to be looking sadly up at the viewer, begging for the mercy of a quick death. He then tells me that the world is widely inhabited by creatures just like it! Oh god, the horror…

Anyway, POKéMON live aside humans, yadda yadda yadda, work, play, battles, all that jazz. Eventually, we get to the heart of all this pointless babble. We apparently don’t know everything about Pokémon, and BIRCH is undertaking research to fix it. He then breaks the fourth wall and asks if I am a boy or girl. Naturally, I pick boy, because he has cool white hair and a bandana, and the girl looks like a streetwalker. He asks me my name. I tell him it is Toast. I don’t know why, but that is the name I have chosen to give my in-game avatar. Toast. Notice how I have proper capitalization, because I’m not some kind of idiot. Immediately, I giggle a bit when BIRCH says “You’re Toast.” He also has decided to tell me that I’m moving to his hometown of LITTLEROOT. Wait, wouldn’t I already know that? Why would I need you to inform me of that? Enh, whatever, fourth wall has already been shattered, so I’m guessing BIRCH just doesn’t even care anymore. He then says some very gay stuff about how dreams and magic and friendship and happiness and rainbows and unicorns await me on my adventure, and that he’ll be expecting me later at his POKéMON LAB. Yes folks, the disheveled man with the rapist smile just asked a ten-year-old boy to meet him at his “lab.” You can see where this is going.

So I wake up in the back of a windowless truck filled with boxes. Lovely. It doesn’t help that the overworld sprite of the main character always looks confused. Examining a box tells me that it has a POKéMON logo, and that it must be some POKéMON brand moving service. Man, this game is doing product placement for itself? That’s just sad. So, without any notion of what I should be doing, I somehow manage to find my way out of the truck. I’m immediately greeted by MOM informing me that we have reached our new home. I’m a little put off by the fact that my mother just made me, a ten-year-old child, ride in the back of a moving truck with a bunch of unsecured boxes. Unfortunately, the Pokémon world has no CPS (and what seems to be an utter lack of government entirely), so I’ll just have to grin and bear it. The good news is though, I get my own room! OH BOY! I’d like to point out that I’m an only child in this game. She presents this info to me as if it’s something new and exciting. So, what, I was just rooming with my parents in our old house? That must’ve been awkward. Also, she explains to me that the mover’s Pokémon (I give up on the caps thing, I’ll do it for everything else, but being that I’m going to use the word Pokémon about a million times per paragraph, fuck it) do all the work for us. That has a very slave-y kinda vibe to it…

So, MOM tells me to go check out my room. It seems Dad bought me a clock to mark our move here. Will wonders never cease? She tells me to go set it, but first I decide to go check what’s goin’ on the first floor. So we have one Pokémon moving back and in a straight line with a box….how incredibly useful… He never puts it down, just continues walking back and forth across the floor with it. Are we paying these movers by the hour? It gets even worse when you take into account the other Pokémon, who seems to be humping our television set. Super. Examining the latter of these frightening creatures causes it to let out a very shrill cry, which I’m going to assume is some sort of mating sound (being that it’s been going at that TV nonstop since we got here). The game then attempts to put said cry to text, which turns out to be “Fugiiiiih!” I would like to note that the sound the game made sounds absolutely nothing like “Fugiiiiih!”

…so yeah, let’s go upstairs. Upon reaching my room, I notice something odd immediately. This house has two floors. In the first floor, there is a dining room/living room area, and a kitchen. My room takes up the entire second floor. So like…where do my parents sleep? I scour every inch of this house for some sort of secret room or basement staircase, but there is none. I’m just going to assume that my parents are androids or something and I’m adopted. That would explain why both of them have dark brown hair and mine somehow manages to be white. So I go ahead and attempt to set my clock. I do the best I can to get as close to the actual time as possible, but being that it’s a very blocky analog display, who knows what actual time I put in there? Why they couldn’t just let me input it as numbers, I don’t know. Seems like they’re just making things more difficult than they have to be. My MOM proceeds to barge into my room unannounced (Oh, and my room has no door. Awesome.) and inform me that everything has been put away neatly. That’s not really that big of an accomplishment though, considering my stuff consists of a TV, a Gamecube (more product placement!), a framed map of the area, a computer, a desk, a notebook, a bed, and a rug. Oh, and my new clock. It’s a good thing I won’t actually be sleeping in this room at any point in this game, because I think the sheer plainness of it would keep me awake at night. Also, they have apparently finished moving everything in downstairs, and I’m very baffled as to how the two derp Pokémon who were eternally pacing with a single box and trying to put a baby in our TV managed to get their shit together and move in the 20 some-odd boxes left in the truck as well as unpack them in the minute it took for me to set my clock. MOM tells me to check my desk, and I first go to the notebook. It tells me how to open the games menu and some other basic stuff I already know. I then flip on my PC, and am pleasantly surprised when one of the options is DECORATE. Finally, I can liven this place up a bit! It turns out it was just false hope though, because there are no decorations available. Awesome. I then go to the ITEM STORAGE and manage to withdraw a potion from my computer. I also find it interesting that I can do this from any other PC in the game. I guess in the Pokémon world, technology has evolved to the point that things can be stored on the internet and downloaded at will. In theory, this would mean that pirated material could just be downloaded into reality. Furthermore, Pokémon are stored in a similar PC system that can be accessed not from this particular computer, but almost every other one in the game. So…why can’t I just torrent some awesome Pokémon and skip all this training bullshit? And why do I have to pay for items when I could just go to a site and download a few Max-Revives and HP-Ups? Oh wait, I can. It’s called an Action Replay.

So I switch off my computer and decide it’s time to play some GameCube. The game thinks otherwise though. It apparently thought I just wanted to make a detailed observation about the state of the GameBoy Advance that is plugged into it as a controller. I try a few more times to the same results, and eventually give up and just decide to watch some TV. I stroll over to the TV, and the game informs me that DAD might like this program. Then it tells me that I better get going. So wait, the game could tell that my dad would like a program by watching like, one second of it? Also, I’d like to note that the TV was never even turned on at any point in this exchange. The game is in no way being subtle about disliking my dilly-dallying, but god dammit, they put a TV in my room, and I want to make use of it! Anyway, I give up and just decide to go downstairs. MOM gets my attention and pulls me over to the living room TV. Wait, so it’s okay for me to watch TV when it’s something MOM wants me to watch? What are you playing at, game? We’re then introduced to the fact that my DAD is the PETALBURG gym leader. Unfortunately, by the time I get over there, the interview is already over. MOM makes a big deal of it, which seems odd, because we’re his wife and son. What is he going to tell the interviewer that we don’t already know?

So, MOM informs me that PROF. BIRCH lives in town and is one of DAD’s friends. Wait, I thought everyone called him the POKéMON PROFESSOR? She suggests I go introduce myself, but gives me no directions as to where I might find him. What a great parent she is. As soon as I head out though, I immediately find out why: this town has three buildings. Three. Two houses and a lab. And yet there are several people strolling around outside that never venture anywhere outside the town. The residents of the other house are home, so where do these other people live? Not to mention, where do BIRCH’s lab workers live? And how do the residents of this town get food and other essentials? Whatever, my head hurts, I’m just gonna go to the lab, close my eyes, and hope that whatever he does to me, it doesn’t crush my soul too much.

I don’t have to worry about it though, because he’s not here. A very confused-looking assistant (let’s be honest, everyone’s overworld sprites just look confused in this game) is the only one there. The assistant informs me that BIRCH is out doing fieldwork, and then gives me a very long explanation about what fieldwork is that I can’t skip. When I finally tear myself away, I go outside and decide to save, and leave the next chapter in the Saga of Toast for another day.