You're valid and anyone who gives you trouble is probably wrong
Don't beat yourself up

🧡 you are very sweet to me, Sushi.

For what it's worth... I really like this birb. Looks like a phoenix :>

n'aww, thank you. I'm glad it looks good. You're right! He's a phoenix.

What's he want to talk about?

Feelings

I hope you're holding up well, likely Fops
You know, Phoenix is a great symbol for a time like this, ever regenerating and returning!

It is a struggle. Surrender of control still a theme. Give up routine to find a new routine take shape. Currently in the chaos of freedom yet no choices fill the void inside. Aware of this I try to balance being in my feelings against the kind of performance I must need to reach my goals & reflecting on the values & merit of both. Codependency is a cautionary tale currently. When the heart stings calling to satisfy it. Even if heart-to-heart is less likely than a meeting of the minds- even the most superficial of connection can still sustain the spirit better than not. Entropy can only increase in an isolated system. Be that as it may, there are glimmers of serendipity in solitude for me. Miracles made real only in the surrender of control or assigned meaning. I still apply meaning to retrofit these choices & so that nirvana rejects me. I wonder if it's good to plan for miracles. Or if miracles as I call them can be perfectly ordinary as I change & fold within my own skin to become a different person yet again.

I enjoy the phoenix. The rapture of death, of complete surrender. To know that for every permanent choice or chapter closed there is always the potential for a new passionate emblazoning on supplemental material. If all of this is extra then what was once extra has become woven into my canon. It, all of it, shapes my experience & provides insight to new trajectory or where it all fits into a time-tested earlier fling on toward destiny.

Sometimes, identity is hard. To say "I am not an artist" & to accept it as truth are the feelings I resonate with a phoenix death. If being an artist is painful-- too painful? I surrender that I am not an artist. This allows my identity to recover & so to my ability to see other paths forward. Yet, despite my choices, I return to that manic, brilliant, bursting compulsion to create & express what burns within me. To bring the magnum opus of my bare soul into work that fulfills & affirms it's existence out where it can be known & exist immortal once every last drop of blood in my body slakes the hungry soil.

Definitely can relate to some of this, sea of flames consuming over and over as one is reduced to base sparks, utter chaos and bewilderment spilling out inside as the dying self dissolves. And thus one is stuck in a dense mental fog, every option seemingly equalized from the new viewpoint, what is the right choice, what on earth are we supposed to do? What the spirit demands is so great and also unearthly that I shiver.
Love the art though, even if it tears me to shreds, even if it enslaves me. Can't really find anything else that feels worthwhile..
By the way, let me tell you, I don't know how you do it but your works are full of essence and they stand out for me, no matter if an artist makes it or a non artist, I don't care, I know what I see.

Earth as we know it's full of things like culture, science, money. All these abstractions that are given so much importance & how they have real power to our lives. Describe to a beast what a dollar is & if they don't have them they wont eat & if they take without paying it's stealing & then it is just to pursue & do them harm because money is as much harm to lose as blood because we all agreed it is important as blood or more-- it's hard. It's hard to remember why all these self-important ideas should be allowed to shape our experience when most souls as I know it want only to feel safe, feel companionship, warmth, food in their belly, & physical stimulation. Learning to care about all these things that make us "human" all over again from the rolling thunder of ego death after ego death can be a tricky thing alright. Especially if you rely on intellectual understanding to navigate the world only. Why, you KNOW money matters so you need to get it. But feeling it, feeling the indignity & forced to contort yourself into the limitations your environment & even body itself in some cases to essentially the same shape as before a rebirth can make even less clear the right choices. How can change be real if you go back to the same place & do the same thing before & after changes happen?
Just one case of that mire of uncertainty that can take use. Finding out & deciding for yourself your purpose, your motivation, your splendor to live & how it connects to where you've been, who you've been- it's beautiful. Call it inefficient if you want. Crack the whip, click the stopwatch, snap your fingers that it's time to "go, go, go" if that's what it takes to survive. Survival is always the first, most important step to take. The rest of living comes after that. I don't think it's fair & I don't like it that most folks don't have any choice or access to their own bodies after they've struggled on just to survive. Though that's alright. There's plenty of living that you can afford by struggling so hard. Good meals, travel, a nice coat, agency, pride, a clear conscience, good friends around you.
I've walked through the shadow of the valley of death for so much of my life. Surviving when perhaps I shouldn't have. Not as a moral or ethical thing, but the odds stacked against me- I have been given innumerable blessings & good luck from those outside myself. Just surviving feels like a triumph. The rest of this noise, of being a human, it's messy & bothersome. It's also perfect. Were it not for the world I'm in, I wouldn't have had these chances. I would not get to feel your feelings as they connect to me or my art. Perhaps some other world exists, but this is mine. I love to be in it.
The phoenix for me comes alive in it's glory & rebirth when I give answers to the questions I feel for the universe. Decisions, choices- what matters most to me. Follow your conscience, you're living with it forever. These thoughts tend to be the sparks to help me gelignite to life once more. I hope they can be useful keys for you someday too.

(Also you are kind. I hope the essence in my work treats you well. Heheh 🧡)