bittersweet feelings in reflection of who Monica has been to me as a character. She started as a metaphor for my struggles with mental health. Going on adventures through a nightmarish realm, a grand journey with parallels to my own struggles. Romanticizing it in a way that felt more digestible and exciting than feeling depressed and broken and alone. She became my muse, this okapi that I drew incessantly. I have literally hundreds of sketches of her from over the years, many closed away in books in the bottom of my closet with old journals I'm still afraid to go back and read. I drew from her story so infrequently that to anyone else she's become sort of eye candy depicted in nondescript figure studies and pretty faces. I never considered her a sona, but even when I made her back in 2014 I was relating strongly to who she is. It still bothers me how little I draw from any of the stories in my head, or any real story at all. much of my work feels a bit flat to me for this reason. I've spent so long shying away from expressing myself and my ideas I hardly even dream of them anymore. Some hesitations that block me from it

I've been realizing lately that a lot of monica has bled out into mane's new doe design, both conceptually and visually. Accepting these parts of my muse as parts of myself and who I want to be, it's almost strange seeing her reflected in myself. Personal growth that felt out of reach before my transition has rapidly and deeply affected areas of my person I never expected. I think the similarities are physically striking, but in the background we're both overcoming things in our own ways. Mine's not as flashy, an adventure forged with journals and tears instead of monsters and spears. I was listening to a song that reminded me all the pain and dullness in my life thus far doesn't have to keep me from my new life. I hold on too tightly to the past-- it's okay for me to start dreaming again and live my golden years. My trauma doesn't have to be my entire personality. Lately I've been struggling to actually believe deep down that I'm worth it, that feeling keeps me held down through so many layers of avoidance and ptsd symptoms and dissociation that it can be hard for me to process it in any emotionally meaningful way.

I make journals several times a year on the state of my mental health, and I always include some part about how I think I'm finally almost free of the depression and will be able to make my artwork unbounded. Truth is, it's not a border I will cross and suddenly never struggle again. I'll probably spend a number of years more always slipping back into being unreliable, anguished, dysfunctional, ashamed. unable to work or self care consistently and feeling like I have no good excuse, that I shouldn't be given as many chances and as much love as I am.

❤ I'm just being sappy, but I love this fandom, I love my friends, and I love what this life is becoming. I love my new Maney, and while it's a bit bittersweet to seen Monica and horse Mane outgrown as random muses, perhaps it will give me the space I need to tell my stories, and show who Monica really is to me and has been this whole time; more than just a pretty face

- Maney