"May we never take the sun for granted."

--

It's tiring having to constantly explain yourself for everything, so I'll dump it all down here.

I'm having trouble doing some drawing work since moving out. Mainly having trouble with buckling down and to maintain focus on drawing, with having to start a piece. Somehow opening an empty canvas intimidates me. And I end up closing it after ten failed pen strokes. I walk out to the kitchen, and I just look at it. I glance over to the living room and see my two friends from highschool doing their jobs and I get so jealous.

I was doing okay initially, drawing and getting stuff done as per usual, with my usual night routine of drawing in my lonesome. And... somehow, it didn't feel right to do that in this house. During that entire time I couldn't draw, I kept telling myself that I'll just work on getting my old body clock back. (wake up during early evenings, have my dinner, be the only one up in the house working quietly, then sleep during the late morning.) While doing so, I kept living a normal life-- wake at late morning, have brunch, spend my afternoons procrastinating online, have dinner, procrastinate in the evening and then go to bed. And I repeated that for weeks.

Here's the part where I'm torn: It turns out, I loved it. Maybe its the allure of the home. Maybe its the freedom. Maybe its the fact that... for the first time in what feels like a decade, I am actually fulfilled in where I live. I slept during the day to avoid my family, but when I'm out by the dining table eating with my friends (something I NEVER did in my old home) I'm having fun. I love looking at the house, despite the simplicity I kept wanting to rearrange and reorganize the kitchen, because that's [kinda] my kitchen. I prettied up our patio, I had a completely blank slate for a bedroom and decorating and designing it was so much fun and rewarding. I'm actually AWAKE and can actually BUY groceries and house essentials, and I'm slowly learning how to cook.

I'm so happy here... and it's why I think I shouldn't be.

I owe so much of my life to the artworks I've created, and to my audience who saved me from a life of mediocrity and unhappiness. So everytime I'm enjoying living like a normal person, I feel like I'm taking advantage of you guys. I am priviledged in a way where I get to do what I love, and make a living off of it. But right now, I'm not doing a good job.

I badly miss my online friends, but I can never wake up fast enough, or stay awake long enough to catch them. I miss drawing.

But at the same time, I shouldn't punish myself for it. I've tried to over eat during nights just to get more energy, drinking coffee when I'm sleepy only to catch myself passing out two hours later. I hold off on watching more youtube videos or shows because I know I'm gonna get caught up in it, only for me to start drawing feeling frustrated, and end up not getting work done.

I walk out of my room, out to our patio and actually hear kids laughing out by the street, the elderly playing cricket (what a lively community this place has, holy shit the city was nothing like this), neighbors actually talking to each other... I would look up to see the blue sky, the rays being filtered through the tall trees I never had growing up, and I think... my life is great. Not perfect, because of the lack of work, but it's getting there.

For the first time in a decade of being awake during the dark AM hours, I'm enjoying the daylight, and the company. I lost that feeling a long time ago, I don't want to let go of it just yet.

So while I'm still trying to figure all of this out, please forgive me. I'm asking for patience while I look for a way to solve this. I'm aware that because I live on the opposite end of the world and timezones will never change for me, and the fact that I dropped out of college to continue doing this, I have to work VERY hard to maintain it.

I'm typing this at 11:30pm on a Monday night, after downing my second cup of coffee today. Sorry if this sounds cluttered and sporadic.

Peace and blessings, ya'll. <3