Coming out while engaged to someone who claimed they'd be supportive and discovering that it was a bluff from someone deeply transphobic that just wasn't expecting it to ever happen.

It messed with me a lot. I was bullied off my hrt, I was shamed for both my body and identity, I was conditioned to base everything I ever said/did/wore on how it would live up to the percentage based masculinity quota I was being given to fulfill. I was attacked and diminished constantly for how Amaiya became my one safe refuge for expressing and exploring myself. It made me hate myself, it made me break down and become the most dysfunctional version of myself that I'd ever been.

I survived though, and I learned a lot of lessons. The importance of loving myself, and the dangers of loving someone who doesn't truly love me back. I deserve to love myself, I don't need to hate myself for things that I can't control and don't harm anybody.

Earlier this year, after I was away from that relationship, I discovered that it was okay to celebrate myself as a trans woman instead of viewing my gender nonconformity as some kind of guilty admission to downplay and try to make go away.

I changed the key on Amaiya's collar, once a reference to that transphobic partner, to now be a crystal heart representing self love. Trans colors and inspired by the crystal hearts in Celeste, because what I had to learn was to love myself as a trans woman.

Pride month came at the perfect time, giving me a great setting to focus on my newfound self acceptance. My new pride in myself. I attended pride events, Cosplaying as Amaiya and Whimsy at different times. I collected art work of both of them both showing their pride.

Allowing Whimsy and Amaiya to both exist in the same artwork was a huge thing for me at first. They're both me, but they represent different parts of me. To give them both visibility at the same time made me feel more unified and like my whole self was being granted more visibility. Accepting myself, my whole (trans) self, all the parts of myself. It's important to me. It's the reason I'm happy now, happy in ways that I never thought I ever could be.

I'm a great person. I care about people, I'm loving and compassionate. I'm patient and insightful. I'll always continue to work on growing myself, but I know I'm good enough to deserving of self love.

That's what this piece is. Me expressing and seeing that I have it, that acceptance and love for myself.

OC's: Amaiya and Whimsy
Owned by: Amaya(Me)
Art by Nasuuokka