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BAM! BAM! BAM!
That dastardly tune clobbered the back of our heads. Shook us to our hollow cores. The ring screeched in my ears, pierced my flesh, was there any way out? So dizzy, blood boiling, dry skin violently flattening. This beat echoed in my dusty mind.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
The sun flashed in our eyes. Red, red was all we saw. It covered our boiling bodies. Our hard flesh, it begged to stop. But that decision was not up to me. This tune, unwavering, unending, only got louder and louder. Cracks happened under this new transparent skin of ours.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
My pumping heart left its cage. The taste of branded steel was not lost on me nor my other parts, melding us together into one. Burning pain seared my bones achar. Not able to hold in our chorus. Our sharp opera. A magnum opus of pain as our voices shattered to itty bitty pieces and reflected back into the light.
That was when it happened.
BAM!
BAM!
…
It stopped. Like the oceans froze over. The icy air so still. Not a sound, so empty and dead, is this what it's like to be free? I couldn't breathe, no not even sing, it felt like I was being choked. Not even my heart beated inside its cage. So I guessed it wasn't so bad.
I glided so frictionlessly across the halls and corridors. Leaving only a wet trail in my path. Everything, everyone, scupltures of their former self. "Hello! Hello! Can anyone hear me?" Choked out of me not a sound. Not a single sound. I skated down the halls, thinking about my past song. Featuring my new world. The doors open, and a new glow bashes me. Soulless, frozen, static, a world I never knew of called out for me.
Colourless
Songless
Painless
It was a dream come true. No more bludgeoning, no more banging like a drum, an icy palace of silence just for me! I never felt so happy before.
I never felt so…
Frozen.
---
Just wanted to make something different here, see how well it works out the first time and grow from there.
That dastardly tune clobbered the back of our heads. Shook us to our hollow cores. The ring screeched in my ears, pierced my flesh, was there any way out? So dizzy, blood boiling, dry skin violently flattening. This beat echoed in my dusty mind.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
The sun flashed in our eyes. Red, red was all we saw. It covered our boiling bodies. Our hard flesh, it begged to stop. But that decision was not up to me. This tune, unwavering, unending, only got louder and louder. Cracks happened under this new transparent skin of ours.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
My pumping heart left its cage. The taste of branded steel was not lost on me nor my other parts, melding us together into one. Burning pain seared my bones achar. Not able to hold in our chorus. Our sharp opera. A magnum opus of pain as our voices shattered to itty bitty pieces and reflected back into the light.
That was when it happened.
BAM!
BAM!
…
It stopped. Like the oceans froze over. The icy air so still. Not a sound, so empty and dead, is this what it's like to be free? I couldn't breathe, no not even sing, it felt like I was being choked. Not even my heart beated inside its cage. So I guessed it wasn't so bad.
I glided so frictionlessly across the halls and corridors. Leaving only a wet trail in my path. Everything, everyone, scupltures of their former self. "Hello! Hello! Can anyone hear me?" Choked out of me not a sound. Not a single sound. I skated down the halls, thinking about my past song. Featuring my new world. The doors open, and a new glow bashes me. Soulless, frozen, static, a world I never knew of called out for me.
Colourless
Songless
Painless
It was a dream come true. No more bludgeoning, no more banging like a drum, an icy palace of silence just for me! I never felt so happy before.
I never felt so…
Frozen.
---
Just wanted to make something different here, see how well it works out the first time and grow from there.
Category Poetry / Abstract
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 28.4 kB
That was interesting. I think it turned out great. I wonder if I understand it as you meant it when writing this; is this about a person dying because of an explosion and then what they experienced right after that death? Or did I misunderstand it?
And with this type of writing it's hard to say how to grow from a particular point; it isn't as straightforward as a transformation story for example. I think it's a matter of writing more and deciding if it conveyed what you had on your mind.
And with this type of writing it's hard to say how to grow from a particular point; it isn't as straightforward as a transformation story for example. I think it's a matter of writing more and deciding if it conveyed what you had on your mind.
I mean, the story is abstract, there was hundreds of different scenarios I thought of. One was the feeling of being bashed against the head, slowly dying until the moment freezes, sort of like how you mentioned it. Then, I got a much nicer idea being that sand is slowly heated into glass. And what is cold and similar to glass? Ice of course! So it sort of depends on the way someone wants to read it.
And for growth, I know a good amount of where to go from here. Firstly I could've done a much better job with descriptions (a thing I lack in all my stories) and secondly there was little creativity. I feel like there was so much better things I could've wrote about if I just thought for longer than a second on what theme to write. Lastly, my scentence structures, everything I say is monotonous because I'm not exactly the best at making a scentence. Picking and chosing between subjects, positioning of actions, and conveying the five senses are things I need a major workout on.
Thanks for the input!
And for growth, I know a good amount of where to go from here. Firstly I could've done a much better job with descriptions (a thing I lack in all my stories) and secondly there was little creativity. I feel like there was so much better things I could've wrote about if I just thought for longer than a second on what theme to write. Lastly, my scentence structures, everything I say is monotonous because I'm not exactly the best at making a scentence. Picking and chosing between subjects, positioning of actions, and conveying the five senses are things I need a major workout on.
Thanks for the input!
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