Realizing where and how your relationship was toxic is.... FUCKING BRUTAL. Kay. Let's not fucking sugarcoat shit over here. Let's leave these cookies as raw as they were intended.

Co-Dependency, Adult-Autism, Borderline Personality Disorder, cPTSD, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, POTS, Narcissism

-There was a LOT at play. Am i being BLATENT here about shit? Yes. It's time we stopped HIDING under rocks.
The secrecy requested/required of me at all times about any issues. Never again.

The other side of the token telling me to aggressively hunt down proper diagnosis. I did all I could with what I had. Needed to set it all up for OP too. It was too much. It was like running a cliffs edge waterfall. Scaling and descending it every single day but it was never good enough. Run it harder, faster, keep being more more more and more until you've poured your entire self out and still feel like you're with a stranger....

because they hid everything from you. They never talked about things. They said they did and three months before I left.... it was all lies, a false face that had been put on supposedly just because of where we'd been living, but it was before that too, back when the mask was still trying to come off... but then I spoke to your friends... again so many incongruencies, where you got your (our for a time) dog... why lie? The way you'd shift how you'd speak about your experiences with your exes... It's clear and muddy now. But I get it...

Every one of them: you needed their light. You wanted them to shine next to you, but not on their own. You didn't realize that's what you were doing. But to have 2 need the help of their parents to leave... to have another move so far away and then have it not work. I get it. You held on that tight.... But your pressure squeezed the light out of them, and I felt it happening to me too...

I needed to get away. I needed to breath for one again. I needed to eat and sleep and care for one alone again. I needed to tend my own light... for one again. I'd begun to fracture apart at the seams from the work I was putting in for the US part of it all.... I'm sorry I couldn't do it anymore...

As I've been gone... I realized I should have never tried to carry your light. I needed to find better ways to set boundaries to have you hold your light for you alone, I needed better way to tell you to speak to other people not me about certain topics and keep walking away and closing the conversation rather than allowing it to continue. I thought that's what I was doing in referring you constantly to others, but then I became the decision maker for that too. It was all too much. What boundary was set in place that was adhered? Everything was pushed just over the line for you how many times? Never again.

In the end, your light was never mine to burn... and it almost turned me to ash.