Don't let them hurt you - kill yourself first and show your teeth.
You’re at the finish line, approaching a strained vocal cord, and you forget how to breathe. trembling. the tongue goes numb and the hands become cold. if not your own. as if they were strangling, smoky, smelling of something alcoholic with a bitter aftertaste of orange juice.
fight.
get up.
get up.
breathe.
live.
sit quietly.
Not
go-out.
If they look in, then growl. pull your hand - bite. too many bones are broken. don't fix it. do not apologize. They didn’t apologize to you. you are a mistake. you are a disease. you are a tumor.
No.
I am a string on a violin frozen in the cold, which is about to break its tendons from the bow of life, with tears frozen in frost on glassy, ​​unblinking eyes. conduct. play, play, cut me, ring, vibration is vibration, vibration is movement, movement is life.
I am thanatos, drawn by calmness into the darkness, where the hands of close peace warm my stone fingers with broken nails. I am the acceptance of myself as the totality of experience, love and pain, a cup of water that distributes itself to anyone with cholera to drink from myself. when a bowl cracks, take a new one, don’t pick up the fragments, sweep it up and throw it away. the thing serves faithfully.
I'm not a thing. you won't throw me away.
I am the dance of an August twig with flowers that stands in water with salt, I crystallize, and this is my charm. I am hysterical, I will remain in a state of climax forever, until a careless hand drops the vase or breaks my spine. I will stand until a living hand touches my body. I will be imprinted in space-time as a dead bloom, stopped and killed at a moment when every muscle tensed, as if the body was dragging a huge chthonic vessel behind it.
when you scream, you defend yourself.
they are afraid of you. eyes don't see you. the heart doesn't feel you.
freeze in this cry, in this continuous sobbing, in endless sorrow, do not forget
look them each in the eye
to everyone who found a new cup
although they themselves
glued together from fragments
and some of them
once upon a time there were
part of
You.

• dialogue with traumas. | December 1, 2023 •