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Summary: An anxious vixen is on her third date with a handsome tod. Despite her excitement, something is weighing on her. She seems to be counting something, but to what end? Will her date end in disaster or will good fortune manage to come her way?
Disclaimer: This story will feature adult content after chapter four. There's plenty of innocent flirting and excitement in these first parts, however, and I want as much feedback on that portion of the writing as I can get. Thank you for taking the time to read, and it is my hope that the romance stands on its own.
Snow...
It looks like it's snowing out there, she thinks with a groan. Her fur ruffles with building anxiety as she gazes out through her windshield and towards the park entrance. The park she was invited to by her current boyfriend. "Ex-boyfriend, at this rate. What have I signed up for..?" she mutters under her breath.
Despite her dread, she can't be too upset. She was the one who said yes without hesitation when Feldspar asked to go jogging for their third date. "Sure, just tell me where!" she had quickly exclaimed.
"My favorite park is really pretty this time of year. Here's the address. How's mid-week sound?" But of course she didn't question what was making it so pretty.
In front of her sprawls a landscape strewn with fluffy white tendrils, dancing in the light breeze, coating the corners of the paths leading into the sea of trees. The unpaved paths curve off into the distance, leading to areas lined with grass and woods. She sits unmoving in her vehicle as she reminds herself that it's not supposed to be a long jog.
At a little over five feet plus ears, Maya - that's May-a, like the question, she often says to those she first meets - is often complimented for her feminine charms. They look at her and see her moderate chest, short stature, and unusual peach-hued fur and pale-pink nose, and are easily swayed by her looks. Well, most are. Feldspar never seemed to have the same lustful gaze often felt from others. She appreciated that.
However, she knows she doesn't often get the chance to exercise like she should. A few stray pounds cling to her in places she wishes they didn't, and cardio is something she has been neglecting. A brisk jog may be a bit challenging, but the physical toll of the excursion is hardly at the forefront of her mind. No, something else is the cause of her hesitation.
She takes a deep breath, and gives herself an audible pep-talk. "Two. It'll be fine." Her claws clatter dully against the steering wheel, and her tail flicks through the seat-back. "Only two..."
As she stares off towards the start of the walking path, a clacking at her window makes her flinch; ears perk and hands clench. Outside, tapping on the glass, is Feld, a light smile decorating his black muzzle. He gives a wave and takes a step back to allow Maya to exit. No backing out now, it seems, she thinks before stuffing her keys in her jacket pocket and popping open her door.
"Maya, you made it! How are you today?" he chirps with energy. Adorned in a tank top with a printed nature theme, and some breezy gym trunks, his jet-black limbs and silvery-grey shoulders were on full display, even seeming to sparkle some in the sun. He isn't an overly muscled tod but his lean figure leaves nothing to complain about. His striking orange-and-black ears and hair, however, make her heart skip a beat.
His hair is a long medium, wavy and fairly thick. The base color is a rich orange, matched by the rims and guard hairs of his ears, their insides a dark void of black. Hints of the same tint can be found at the edges of his cheek ruffles. Along the middle of his hair is a streak of black, the base of it traveling from his equally black mask-marking and up through his forehead. The rest of his face is the same peppered silver as his shoulders and portions of his neck scruff.
"Hi, Feldspar. Yeah, of course! I'm pumped up for the jog. It's been a little too long since I last got to stretch my legs." A swirl of the fluffy tree-debris spirals at their feet, stirred by a strong breeze, with a stray tuft dancing past her muzzle and catching her line of sight. She stares it down, breaking eye contact with him and following its descent to the ground.
"Pretty place, isn't it? We're in luck, too. It's going to be nice and windy today. Great weather for a jog." Windy. Lovely. Clearly he lacks even a touch of my concern. How could he? Look at him and his unflinchable grin. Unflinchable, sexy grin. Argh! Fine. Let's go. It'll be fine. She pushes away the last bits of hesitation she was feeling and her tail gives a small wag of happiness before bursting from her vehicle and onto her feet.
In her cathartic zeal, she nods, then turns dramatically towards the entrance, expecting him to follow. "Hang on, hang on. You said it had been a while. We should literally stretch those legs before we start, if that's the case. Come on, follow me." He reaches out and takes Maya's hand, likely realizing there will be little time for intimacy once they start the jog, and leads her over to a patch of grass by the entrance. "Alright, copy me, and go easy."
Feldspar proceeds to lead Maya through a series of light stretches. They both look over each other as they do so, taking in the zest of fresh love. A lunge here, a leg pull there. The fluffs dance around them as they shed from the trees. A side stretch, with one hand on the ground... Some stick to their clothes, and one, of course, decides to land directly on her nose. Her annoyingly sensitive nose.
She pauses mid-stretch, or rather, with stretches as unmoving as they are, she holds the stretch for a bit longer than Feld. Her mouth hangs open, which happens to be sideways at the moment, and her lungs slowly gather air. Her eyes glaze over. "Hhehhhh..." Her tail curls around the top of her leg and her free arm pulls close to her body as her balance shifts. "Hhiih--- Chiieew," she squeaks and she sprays a mist out into the air above her, illuminated by the sunlight. Thankfully, pointed away from her date.
With a light sniffle and a lick of her nosepad to ensure the fluff was nowhere to be found, she leans herself up from the stretch, feeling only slightly embarrassed. Three, she thinks. No, the sneezing itself isn't embarrassing for her. Thankfully. She even gets compliments sometimes.
Her date, wielding the same confident smile as always, politely asks her "Are you okay?" without any pause in the stretching routine, now sliding his legs apart for side splits. Maya nods rapidly, her single-point twin-ponytail causing asynchronous ripples down her two hair bundles. "Nice outfit, by the way." The last words passing across his muzzle break his confident smile, if only slightly.
She had decided to wear something a little on the revealing side. A pair of sports shorts hugged her hips, receding into the thickness of her fur. They were two-toned, a deep and almost shiny blue, patterned by a curved diamond design drawn in black. Her top, featuring the same pattern, clings similarly against her chest. She has more than the average there, and she definitely dressed to show off today, cream-tinted belly on display. Her split-tailed hairstyle is done up with a thick scrunchy, also blue of course. A light windbreaker, draped openly, completes her ensemble; a slightly different shade of blue from her outfit. Well, and some basic running shoes, but she only had the one, barely-used pair.
Still, she did dress to tease, so it's nice to see it having an effect on him. A few minutes and stretches later, he stands up straight. "I think that will be plenty." He holds his arm to one side, gesturing to the main path. "Shall we begin?" His smile grows wider, with an extra push of flirtatiousness, causing Maya to roll her eyes slightly before returning his grin.
"I thought you'd never ask. Right, let's do this." She takes a deep breath and turns towards the 'snow covered forest' that she is now faced with. Her nose gives a small twitch of anticipation. It's not even a matter of allergies. Just a constant snowstorm of tickly seeds. She sticks her tongue out as if to give a rude gesture to the 'choices' the trees around her are making. Well, nothing-doing. One foot in front of the other and let's go.
Author's Notes: Two years ago, to this day, I began writing the story of Maya. It was my first foray into writing with a goal of publication. I'm still not sure that I've managed to produce something that would reach the level of stories I've read in various anthologies or not, but I learned so much already by sharing this story with other writers and collecting feedback.
Maya and Feldspar have become precious characters for me, and while I have more to share about my journey through this tale, I just want to thank you for joining me on this journey. The story is around the same length as my Loona one, so there's plenty more to come.
Thumbnail Credit to ABlueDeer - Commissioned exclusively for Spring Snow. That's Maya!
Search Tags: Straight romance romantic sensual fox foxes scifi sci-fi science fiction date dating flirt flirting affection cross crossfox forest exploration bike park jog jogging sneeze sneezing mystery curse anxiety stretch stretching exercise
Disclaimer: This story will feature adult content after chapter four. There's plenty of innocent flirting and excitement in these first parts, however, and I want as much feedback on that portion of the writing as I can get. Thank you for taking the time to read, and it is my hope that the romance stands on its own.
|| Next Chapter >>> ||
Spring Snow
Chapter 1 - Welcome to the Park
Snow...
It looks like it's snowing out there, she thinks with a groan. Her fur ruffles with building anxiety as she gazes out through her windshield and towards the park entrance. The park she was invited to by her current boyfriend. "Ex-boyfriend, at this rate. What have I signed up for..?" she mutters under her breath.
Despite her dread, she can't be too upset. She was the one who said yes without hesitation when Feldspar asked to go jogging for their third date. "Sure, just tell me where!" she had quickly exclaimed.
"My favorite park is really pretty this time of year. Here's the address. How's mid-week sound?" But of course she didn't question what was making it so pretty.
In front of her sprawls a landscape strewn with fluffy white tendrils, dancing in the light breeze, coating the corners of the paths leading into the sea of trees. The unpaved paths curve off into the distance, leading to areas lined with grass and woods. She sits unmoving in her vehicle as she reminds herself that it's not supposed to be a long jog.
At a little over five feet plus ears, Maya - that's May-a, like the question, she often says to those she first meets - is often complimented for her feminine charms. They look at her and see her moderate chest, short stature, and unusual peach-hued fur and pale-pink nose, and are easily swayed by her looks. Well, most are. Feldspar never seemed to have the same lustful gaze often felt from others. She appreciated that.
However, she knows she doesn't often get the chance to exercise like she should. A few stray pounds cling to her in places she wishes they didn't, and cardio is something she has been neglecting. A brisk jog may be a bit challenging, but the physical toll of the excursion is hardly at the forefront of her mind. No, something else is the cause of her hesitation.
She takes a deep breath, and gives herself an audible pep-talk. "Two. It'll be fine." Her claws clatter dully against the steering wheel, and her tail flicks through the seat-back. "Only two..."
As she stares off towards the start of the walking path, a clacking at her window makes her flinch; ears perk and hands clench. Outside, tapping on the glass, is Feld, a light smile decorating his black muzzle. He gives a wave and takes a step back to allow Maya to exit. No backing out now, it seems, she thinks before stuffing her keys in her jacket pocket and popping open her door.
"Maya, you made it! How are you today?" he chirps with energy. Adorned in a tank top with a printed nature theme, and some breezy gym trunks, his jet-black limbs and silvery-grey shoulders were on full display, even seeming to sparkle some in the sun. He isn't an overly muscled tod but his lean figure leaves nothing to complain about. His striking orange-and-black ears and hair, however, make her heart skip a beat.
His hair is a long medium, wavy and fairly thick. The base color is a rich orange, matched by the rims and guard hairs of his ears, their insides a dark void of black. Hints of the same tint can be found at the edges of his cheek ruffles. Along the middle of his hair is a streak of black, the base of it traveling from his equally black mask-marking and up through his forehead. The rest of his face is the same peppered silver as his shoulders and portions of his neck scruff.
"Hi, Feldspar. Yeah, of course! I'm pumped up for the jog. It's been a little too long since I last got to stretch my legs." A swirl of the fluffy tree-debris spirals at their feet, stirred by a strong breeze, with a stray tuft dancing past her muzzle and catching her line of sight. She stares it down, breaking eye contact with him and following its descent to the ground.
"Pretty place, isn't it? We're in luck, too. It's going to be nice and windy today. Great weather for a jog." Windy. Lovely. Clearly he lacks even a touch of my concern. How could he? Look at him and his unflinchable grin. Unflinchable, sexy grin. Argh! Fine. Let's go. It'll be fine. She pushes away the last bits of hesitation she was feeling and her tail gives a small wag of happiness before bursting from her vehicle and onto her feet.
In her cathartic zeal, she nods, then turns dramatically towards the entrance, expecting him to follow. "Hang on, hang on. You said it had been a while. We should literally stretch those legs before we start, if that's the case. Come on, follow me." He reaches out and takes Maya's hand, likely realizing there will be little time for intimacy once they start the jog, and leads her over to a patch of grass by the entrance. "Alright, copy me, and go easy."
Feldspar proceeds to lead Maya through a series of light stretches. They both look over each other as they do so, taking in the zest of fresh love. A lunge here, a leg pull there. The fluffs dance around them as they shed from the trees. A side stretch, with one hand on the ground... Some stick to their clothes, and one, of course, decides to land directly on her nose. Her annoyingly sensitive nose.
She pauses mid-stretch, or rather, with stretches as unmoving as they are, she holds the stretch for a bit longer than Feld. Her mouth hangs open, which happens to be sideways at the moment, and her lungs slowly gather air. Her eyes glaze over. "Hhehhhh..." Her tail curls around the top of her leg and her free arm pulls close to her body as her balance shifts. "Hhiih--- Chiieew," she squeaks and she sprays a mist out into the air above her, illuminated by the sunlight. Thankfully, pointed away from her date.
With a light sniffle and a lick of her nosepad to ensure the fluff was nowhere to be found, she leans herself up from the stretch, feeling only slightly embarrassed. Three, she thinks. No, the sneezing itself isn't embarrassing for her. Thankfully. She even gets compliments sometimes.
Her date, wielding the same confident smile as always, politely asks her "Are you okay?" without any pause in the stretching routine, now sliding his legs apart for side splits. Maya nods rapidly, her single-point twin-ponytail causing asynchronous ripples down her two hair bundles. "Nice outfit, by the way." The last words passing across his muzzle break his confident smile, if only slightly.
She had decided to wear something a little on the revealing side. A pair of sports shorts hugged her hips, receding into the thickness of her fur. They were two-toned, a deep and almost shiny blue, patterned by a curved diamond design drawn in black. Her top, featuring the same pattern, clings similarly against her chest. She has more than the average there, and she definitely dressed to show off today, cream-tinted belly on display. Her split-tailed hairstyle is done up with a thick scrunchy, also blue of course. A light windbreaker, draped openly, completes her ensemble; a slightly different shade of blue from her outfit. Well, and some basic running shoes, but she only had the one, barely-used pair.
Still, she did dress to tease, so it's nice to see it having an effect on him. A few minutes and stretches later, he stands up straight. "I think that will be plenty." He holds his arm to one side, gesturing to the main path. "Shall we begin?" His smile grows wider, with an extra push of flirtatiousness, causing Maya to roll her eyes slightly before returning his grin.
"I thought you'd never ask. Right, let's do this." She takes a deep breath and turns towards the 'snow covered forest' that she is now faced with. Her nose gives a small twitch of anticipation. It's not even a matter of allergies. Just a constant snowstorm of tickly seeds. She sticks her tongue out as if to give a rude gesture to the 'choices' the trees around her are making. Well, nothing-doing. One foot in front of the other and let's go.
Author's Notes: Two years ago, to this day, I began writing the story of Maya. It was my first foray into writing with a goal of publication. I'm still not sure that I've managed to produce something that would reach the level of stories I've read in various anthologies or not, but I learned so much already by sharing this story with other writers and collecting feedback.
Maya and Feldspar have become precious characters for me, and while I have more to share about my journey through this tale, I just want to thank you for joining me on this journey. The story is around the same length as my Loona one, so there's plenty more to come.
Thumbnail Credit to ABlueDeer - Commissioned exclusively for Spring Snow. That's Maya!
|| Next Chapter >>> ||
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Search Tags: Straight romance romantic sensual fox foxes scifi sci-fi science fiction date dating flirt flirting affection cross crossfox forest exploration bike park jog jogging sneeze sneezing mystery curse anxiety stretch stretching exercise
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Red Fox
Size 2277 x 1139px
File Size 1.88 MB
Listed in Folders
A good start and scene that does well expressing character relationship and agency. However, since your looking for feedback there is one serious issue for this story and something you need to correct in your writing. You are are writing in the wrong tense for the story. You want to be using past tense instead of present. its big deal impacting flow and time sense. Its weird, but English brains are wired to read things in past tense as happening. Present requires something called frames which are an advanced writing technique not present here. Present without a frame here creates also really awkward sentences and leads to tell moments instead of show moments. So, yes, something very important to fix up.
Most those verbs need to be ending in ed or their other correct form and state of being verbs like is replaced with was, etc.
Most those verbs need to be ending in ed or their other correct form and state of being verbs like is replaced with was, etc.
Thank you so much for reading through it! It's really nice to get comments from other writers and hear what is considered more standard. I've read a lot over the years, but never approached literature from a sense of rigid rules.
When I was first writing this, I was somewhat inconsistent about which tense I was using. When reflecting and looking it over, I decided to go with the present tense to encourage the reader as an active participant, akin to being inside a painting. Though I understand that it may be considered a bit unorthodox, I feel like some of the feelings I want to capture would be greatly diminished if they weren't being described in an active tense.
I will keep what you've said in mind. It could be that my feelings on that change from having a new perspective. I'd also be curious if other readers are struggling with that, so thank you for opening this discussion.
When I was first writing this, I was somewhat inconsistent about which tense I was using. When reflecting and looking it over, I decided to go with the present tense to encourage the reader as an active participant, akin to being inside a painting. Though I understand that it may be considered a bit unorthodox, I feel like some of the feelings I want to capture would be greatly diminished if they weren't being described in an active tense.
I will keep what you've said in mind. It could be that my feelings on that change from having a new perspective. I'd also be curious if other readers are struggling with that, so thank you for opening this discussion.
This is a serious issue that gets your work thrown out of a review pile. Its why I am bringing it up. Showing the understanding of when and when not to use it.
"Reader as an active participant"
This is what frames are for and there is not one here. Nothing is being diminished besides the story. Your self petarding the work by this decision. Audience is participating by reading the story. If you really want audience as a character or whatever, that is where you use a frame. Pretty much, not writing a standard narrative form like this. You need that plug in bridging story to audience mechanically, and that is not here.
"Reader as an active participant"
This is what frames are for and there is not one here. Nothing is being diminished besides the story. Your self petarding the work by this decision. Audience is participating by reading the story. If you really want audience as a character or whatever, that is where you use a frame. Pretty much, not writing a standard narrative form like this. You need that plug in bridging story to audience mechanically, and that is not here.
Writing about original characters takes a lot of energy and effort. It's cool to me how even if I have never heard of or seen a character, writing can give life and a clear mental image. Your writing style made me smile today! I had fun fun reading this story. I enjoy how the smaller detail of colored text visually helped me as I read.
Maya herself has both dialogue and smaller actions during this story that make her come to life. She doesn't just do things or just talk, the way you wrote about the descriptions with her design and her reactions to things that happen to her make her feel like a character and not just a written name.
This introduction alone made me care about Maya and I am curious reading more about her!
Relationships are tricky and I think it is fun starting to see the relationship here between Maya and Feldspar.
I like the way she sometimes pauses and stops speaking. the use of ... you did in different parts of this story builds a bit of tension in a fun way.
A smaller detail I see too is the spelling you did for the sneeze. It has a unique difference from the normal stereotype spelling most sneezes have. She doesn't just have an 'achoo' kind of sneeze and I think the way you wrote about her nose itself is cute.
The final line of this introduction is powerful. A lot of people need to take things one step at a time, and how you wrote that final line hit me in the feels.
I enjoyed reading this introduction chapter =)
Maya herself has both dialogue and smaller actions during this story that make her come to life. She doesn't just do things or just talk, the way you wrote about the descriptions with her design and her reactions to things that happen to her make her feel like a character and not just a written name.
This introduction alone made me care about Maya and I am curious reading more about her!
Relationships are tricky and I think it is fun starting to see the relationship here between Maya and Feldspar.
I like the way she sometimes pauses and stops speaking. the use of ... you did in different parts of this story builds a bit of tension in a fun way.
A smaller detail I see too is the spelling you did for the sneeze. It has a unique difference from the normal stereotype spelling most sneezes have. She doesn't just have an 'achoo' kind of sneeze and I think the way you wrote about her nose itself is cute.
The final line of this introduction is powerful. A lot of people need to take things one step at a time, and how you wrote that final line hit me in the feels.
I enjoyed reading this introduction chapter =)
So many kind words! Thank you~! I'm glad my writing stands out and causes feelings.
I have never been the type to have original characters, but I used this story to delve deeper into myself and make something of value with the idea I wanted to explore. As I did, I was able to get closer to the characters, and I'm so happy to have gotten the artwork made of Maya.
Tricky is definitely the case here. I think it's important to reflect on not only the moment, but the history. What happened before this, to get them to the point they are at? What comes before the now? I have to be careful, however, or that "before" will stretch on forever.
I feel that the hardest part of writing good characters, however, is being consistent. Sure, we all have multiple facets to ourselves, but keeping true to the things that influence ourselves (and characters) is where we can find that consistency. When I considered it in my Loona story, I realized how rarely I tend to pay attention to that type of thing, or maybe I just take for granted how naturally it comes to these other writers.
Take your time, and enjoy the rest of what I've written. Thank you again!!
I have never been the type to have original characters, but I used this story to delve deeper into myself and make something of value with the idea I wanted to explore. As I did, I was able to get closer to the characters, and I'm so happy to have gotten the artwork made of Maya.
Tricky is definitely the case here. I think it's important to reflect on not only the moment, but the history. What happened before this, to get them to the point they are at? What comes before the now? I have to be careful, however, or that "before" will stretch on forever.
I feel that the hardest part of writing good characters, however, is being consistent. Sure, we all have multiple facets to ourselves, but keeping true to the things that influence ourselves (and characters) is where we can find that consistency. When I considered it in my Loona story, I realized how rarely I tend to pay attention to that type of thing, or maybe I just take for granted how naturally it comes to these other writers.
Take your time, and enjoy the rest of what I've written. Thank you again!!
You are welcome! I like to type a comment when I am able to. IRL can hit me like a truck some weeks X_X
Thank you for your reply to my comment too! Just with this reply I can tell that you have put a lot of thought into what you are writing. Enjoy the ideas you write about with your characters in the future! =)
Thank you for your reply to my comment too! Just with this reply I can tell that you have put a lot of thought into what you are writing. Enjoy the ideas you write about with your characters in the future! =)
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