Pastel was conceived at a time when I felt like I had lost my sense of self. When I 'wasn't Amaiya' because the constant inauthenticity from being closeted and with a horribly unsupportive partner made me feel distinct from the person I was supposed to be. In it's own contradicting way, Pastel's design encompassed everything I felt I should be but wasn't- Confident, Self Assured, Womanly- and yet I was identifying myself by her because of how those traits had been stripped away from me.

When I regained my sense of identity as Amaiya, Pastel's role shifted to promoting that identity. Basically a fictional partner for Amaiya who was actively supportive of her and her transition. I'd never had a relationship so bad before that I needed the escapist fantasy of a better girlfriend just to cope.

Pastel's role changed a lot once I got into a relationship with good partners. I don't need some escapist fantasy of a loving and nurturing partner, I have two of those now. I don't need the fantasy, but she is still a representation of self assurance and validation. She still represents learning to view myself with a lens of care and love. It's important for me to have that for myself, and not be dependent on partners for those feelings.

She also represents how I've taken a similar role for my partners. It's so important to me to make them feel accepted and validated, because I know how much of a difference that makes and I want to make sure both of them get to feel how strongly I love and value them.

Despite being born out of a dark time in my life, Pastel is not only a part of who I am, but is even one of the more positive parts.


Character: Pastel
Owner:  Amaiya
Artist: Percy1839