I'll say it if nobody else will... This is pretty awful.

It's full of errors in grammar. It's not a story at all, I'm not really sure what it is. The plot is dull, completely predictable, and not even close to believable.

You should probably read some more books before you try writing again.

At least I'm trying, gosh, you don't have to be so negative about it.

Over critical cunt. The least you could do is be constructive with your criticism.

I don't know what more I can say to be constructive. If he wants to get better he needs to learn the basics. Spelling, grammar, what constitutes a story to begin with.

First of all, I know how to spell, and I know how 2 grammar.

You don't even know that I've written stories before, just want me to post them in your complicated style.

I looked at the rest of your gallery before I initially commented. If this was a fluke I wouldn't have said anything.

Spelling you have mostly down, but your grammar is atrocious, even in your response to me just now. And your other stories just give more things to find fault with, like mixing up tenses. I'm not talking about my personal style, and I'm not trying to force you into writing a certain way. I'm just saying, as an observer to cares enough to take the time to type all this but not enough to spare your feelings, you need to do a lot of improving before your writing will be taken seriously.

I'm not even trying to be famous or anything, and this was just made in one day so what the hell?

You obviously must think all writers are "going" for it.

You don't have to want to be famous to want to write well.

I see you've edited the submission description just to make me look like a jerk for having commented initially, so I'm going to drop this here. I've said my piece and I stand by it.

Because it's people like you, who judge others by their lack in some skills.

It's rather unappreciated.

If you'd said that you didn't want critique up front I wouldn't have given it. You left it open, so I took the initiative.

Even thought it didn't say I wanted any Critique, you still did.

And no, I'm not talking about the description that I "recently" added it in.

For an answer to this post, see my previous post.

I'm done here. If you don't want to change then don't change. See where it gets you.

it's fine damn it!, nice work.

What's fine? Thanks.

just saying it's good work.

where is the girls icon from?

Why do you think I was asking in the description, I wanna give credit to the artist, not me.

This is the kind of problem that I've been struggling with for awhile in my kind of story. Except it's kind of the opposite in terms of characters but that's the one thing I have real trouble answering.