I am a very proud faggot. I've been out since I was 14. It has cost me damn near everything that mattered to me. Time & time again I'm shown that I'm the only one who gives a shit about what pride means in my own life. Every time life has called on me to be fat, gay, & in the way I've been met with "why? Can't you be something else? Maybe tone it down a little? I don't feel safe & it's your fault." Along with other such sentiments.

I've lived a life of repression & exclusion, even from other queer people for more of my life than not. It may have dampened my colors, but it will never take them from me. I know there are others who feel as strongly as I do out there in the world. I know that my own people are scared & hurt too much to exist in such transgressive or "inconvenient" ways.

That said, I have not been nor will I ever turn into the kind of cop or traitor that sells out or throws my fellow queer under the bus, just because I'm scared. My claws & fangs aren't for my own people. The world's against us enough as it is. I was shown real love & I was raised to fight fire with fire. I know better than to fill my own house with the smoke that should be saved for the people who don't believe we should exist.

I've been holding onto this piece thinking I might turn it into something. Instead, I want to let it fly. I want to draw that line in the sand as loud & clear as I can every day of my life, sentiments that I believed were obvious to everyone who knows me. Yet I find time & time again my friends, who are overwhelmingly queer, don't understand my own devotion to ALL queer people, not just "white gay cis males." As if.

If I am alone in throwing bricks for EVERY color of beautiful person I stand with, I'll still nick scratches into every structure I find.

Except, I wont be alone- nor have I, in the grand scheme of things. I've met others who feel as strongly as I do, even if I'm the chronic overthinker & all- others DO have the glow. They've got the belief in exactly all the same things I do, even if they couldn't debate & discourse & describe all the reasons why-- & that is wonderful!! It's as it should be. Pride should be pride without all the fear & hate I've learned to have to do battle with., legally & physically.

I'm in the process now of moving to be around other queer people who live boldly & loudly their best life once again. People who aren't afraid to let their freak colors fly & hit the streets at the first sign of fire. The neighborhood I first got to participate in protest & civil disobedience with an actual movement & not just whatever silly little band I could put together with at the public library. Every time pride month comes around, it's just before, or just after I have mobility. I've only ever got to walk the streets of a pride parade once & even then only found the people's pride as the event was packing up !!! GRRRAAUGH!!! It's infuriating!!!

Life can be hard & frustrating!! But your colors aren't just to exist for one fun month of the year!! Just cos it's hard, don't give up struggling against the world & the cold & the dark. It can be a real thankless & awful experience but that's alright. Being true to myself these past two decades has given me more clarity & peace of mind than any heartache or loss could ever outdo. & despite what anyone might say about me, I'm not the danger. I want you to live the life that calls to you, there's always more serious problems facing us than biting each other's tails in some wretched ouroboros panopticon of civility politics or "BEING PROBLEMATIC" give me a fucking break

Keep your chin up & live your life with a backbone. That's what it means to have pride. You're the only one who has to live with your choices for the rest of your life. Draw strength from that, no matter how the tides shift & reshuffle themselves around you.

& whatever happens, know that I love you. With all of my heart. Though we may never meet, I may never hold your hand, or kiss you, or walk through the roses together- I love you.

Have a good pride month, everyone.