Drawing become very hard end 2023 + my (still) artblock on traditionnal. My moral was getting much worse and I could no longer pretend that everything was fine in appearance, and without drawing it's more hurt me (you see the infinite pain?) as you can see, I post rarely, I force myself to draw and I already mentionned it in somes post about this situation. I will explain why : (there probably a lot of english mistakes,sorry)

I only have 2 family, my sister and my mother (even if she is extremly toxic and as I live with her, that's why i'm bad). I lost my 3rd member of this family, my second "mother" in end March, my cat. It's extremly hard to write this, I'm crying, it's painful..She was my spirit, she supported me, in my transition, in the painful moment, when I try somes TS,she was here when no one, even my mother, with me. I cannot suicide myself if she is here, I'm here for here and she is here for me.
She was extremly kind,affectionate, talkative, 24H want hug and play. The 2 last weeks we fought, her too, for cure but the cancer (of lunges) diagnostic was too late. See her suffered so much, until she couldn't sleep anymore was extremly painful to watch and can't do nothing. We euthanized her, I sleep 1H with her a last time after take her still warm body. When I'm woke up and touch her cold body. It's like, my soul leave my body. I was not more sad, I was half chocked and with no emotion. Idk the feeling, but this feeling I still have is like, I live in a corpse. A body without spirit,also my worst birthday because she's go away 2day after it. I lost all desire to do anything, even drawing, play videogames, I don't have appetite. I'm forced myself or I starve. When sometimes my mind decide to out of this "mind coma" I realise she is not here, I think these are moments of lucidity in real life and the extrem pain is back, I cry no stop and I really want to end it. I don't want to die but I don't see the following without her. She was the half of my spirit, the last rempart...Now she sleeping in peace, I hope...In our garden.

So I just survive, in a dream, in a living corpse, and I force myself to do something. I try to stuff my brain with many things to do so I don't have to think about anything else. I'm force myself to draw a little, recently I got the little taste back for idea to draw, but it's extremly hard. Just the gesture to have the pen and try to draw, it's still this desire just fly away. I'm only happy when I finally finish it. I make one fucking drawing, in flat colors 2/3 weeks. But I suppose it's better than doing nothing at all....Idk if I can do the ArtFight this year, but I will try..

Anyway....Also, I live in France, maybe you see the fucking shit is happening here, this fucking head shit Macron to dissolve the national assembly, when he saying before "to block the national front" and WHAT WE HAVE IN THE EUROPEAN ??????????????????????????? YOU FUCKING BASTARD. FRENCH PEOPLE ARE FUCKING JOKING ???? *sigh* What a shame to be french is these time. If the fachist win the legislative, I'm dead, as transmac, dys and depressive people, and for my queer friends. And Nina is no more here anymore for support this shit.