"Hold them too high and the
people behind him would not be able to see. Extend them too far to the side and he might
hit the folks next to him. " Some wanky interjection tell sentences.



Be careful of the conjunction and and. They get a comma before the end. But breaking them down into their sperate sentences becomes far more powerful for scene building and audience digestion.

It ticked loud enough to cut through the professor’s monotone vocalizations and Ochil found himself
tapping his pencil along with the beat rather than notetaking.

His thoughts drifted away from the educational torture and instead fantasies of his forthcoming romantic
engagement filled his mind: A great weight landed upon his back and a pair of reptilian claws gripped his
shoulders.

As, as a temporal is weak. In a sentence like this it becomes stronger without that temporal.
Tears welled in his eyes as magic glowed within his fingertips.

The early sections are very jumpy and very short for audience digestion and don't cut naturally and could be combined. Almost could be two entire stories until everything remeets.

Must ponder in a world like this what constitutes science fiction. Almost scary the constitution of fiction in a fiction world. Now I find myself over going my fictional world and its a terrifying evil with the exception of Alice where fiction still exists. I kind of feel like throwing up now.

Do love the eerie forbidden library scene and the interaction with alien gods.

The TF implications also freighting as should be. Well handled Kaj encountered and incident.

"“Still, none of ...e to be a tyrant." This becomes a great debate of free will and ability to change. Quite a problematic quandary for the work in depth. Is it base nature or gained character traits, enculteration, nature, or genetic lottery. Something to be careful with in the work as it can lead to bad plot holes and dead ends.

Some really fun stuff in it and strong character interaction.

Thanks for all the feedback, Helix. I really appreciate you spending the time to give feedback like that. I definitely knew that all of this could use another editing pass or five, but I was about to go insane if I spent any more time looking at it today. So, I just decided to put it out.

The grammar, conjunction, and temporal comments make a lot of sense.

The jumping around between character stuff is something I've been having overall issues with. One thing that I'm not sure I made completely clear is that this is kind of a section some 50+ pages into the wider overall story. The whole thing follows these five characters and bounces between their perspectives throughout the narrative. I don't really have a good idea of how long I should be holding on scenes before making a cut. And also just what should be considered to short. I know the earlier part of this definitely was extra rough as it was some of the first stuff I wrote before I had this idea of making it all a single narrative. While I have done some rather major edits to it, that is definitely where the roughest part of it is.

Yeah, the idea of fiction within fiction is strange. Like what do they think of as a fantasy story within a fantasy story? Are there just different rules of magic? What about fiction that explores a world without magic from the perspective of people who have magic? It's all very strange. I'm wondering if I could pick better words to use in that place.

The whole free will stuff. This whole thing is part of my rewrite to the build up of this story https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52851592/ and so that's the implied spell book that Felix found to make that whole event disaster come to pass. I definitely agree that it's something that needs to be given a very careful touch, but I've been thinking about it and it's implications for over a year now. I'm just trying to get enough build up and elements before it written down so that I can actually handle its repercussions.

Overall, thank you so very much for your feedback. I'm glad some elements are coming through, but as always, it could use a lot more work.

That was comma before the and. Sorry.

Well worth the wait indeed!

Easily most drawn into Kira & Felix's adventure throughout this one. Though it starts slow, it definitely ramps up nearing the end. Also... Kira... that last comment outside the library... leave the poor boy be.

You had teased something was going to go wrong with Ochil's date, but I hadn't anticipated that it would go that direction. I knew something irreparably bad was going to happen when the mist came out. Well, at least Ochil seems to be quick to move on.

I definitely felt that Kira and Felix part of this was the A plot while the other characters kind of constituted a B side story. Still, the danger that Kaj creates is something that needed to be brought up at some point and I figured this was a great place to do it. Plus, he stole Rhelki's first kiss... or was that Keitèl in the fog vision. I do found it funny that everyone dismissed him being the kitsune that Rhelki interacts with. I guess it was kind of unbelievably out of no where. Actually, now that I'm thinking more about that comment you sent me on discord. The fact that he has two eyes in her vision should be a clue to at least when is that vision from.

I thought it was funny that I wrote a plush transformation after I dismissed doing it for transforMAYtion. I just thought the idea of him being turned into a big goofy gator plush too amusing.

Oh, I hadn't been paying close enough attention: he has both his eyes so Rhelki's vision must be a flashback through the eyes of his lover! Why though, I don't know. However, speculation: Keitèl not only loses his lover but also his eye in the same story, whenever that might take place.

I'm saying it and I don't care how I'm looked at by others after I say it, poor Kaj. And Rhelki, I too am just as confused as to what happened during the fog bit but I guess since that's the dangers that Kaj keeps fretting about, this gives

Anyways, as for Felix and Kira all I have to say on the matter about their interactions is: yes. More?

As for Kira's interaction with the god (More like a devil to be honest), I would have done just the same; though this does offer her a chance to question her own abnormalities and hopefully she'll realise what she truly is in time.

I personally haven't read much science fiction and very little fantasy, though I think the latter's gonna change drastically.

Other than that, I am very much excited to see what comes after this; keep it up.

I mean, I feel bad for Kaj... a bit. Like he's got a terrible situation, but he's also dealing with it by lashing out at everyone in the worst way. Rhelki's vision is a very important plot point for events way down the line. I hope I can one day get there.

Glad you liked all of the Felix and Kira stuff. It was pretty fun to write, but at times I was wondering if I was going a bit too far with it. I'm not sure Felix is going to be able to handle her flirty obliviousness.

Yeah, the god's in this world are strange and not really benevolent. Also, they can and have been killed. So thinking of them as very powerful entities that people believe and worship as gods is much more accurate. I wasn't actually originally planning on featuring them, but as I wrote this, the whole scene just seemed right to do.

I'm not a huge science fiction fan. I prefer fantasy, but I haven't actually read that much of it. I don't really read that much at all to be honest. :\
Still, I see it a lot more in movies, TV, and video games.

I think the next thing is probably actually going to be what comes before. I really want to get part 1 done which will be everyone's proper introductions. I didn't actually expect this to end up as long as it did. My original plan was just to finish the vault stuff and those sections just kept growing and growing. Next thing I knew, I had written another twenty seven pages.

I feel bad for him a lot.

Nah, you're doing just fine (Well, in terms of story telling that is).

Yeah, I was gonna call them daemons instead.

I grew watching Star Wars but that was it; my first planned novel was going to be sci-fi but it wasn't a good story so I shelved it.

Oh, I look forward to it.
Yeah that tends to happen when you're writing something you're passionate about.

And that’ is half the problem nowadays. People who want to write , but don’t read. It’s a very specific medium . How can you learn to writer if your not reading, especially good writing. One of the best ways to learn.

Ok, well I guess I was kind of exaggerating when I said I don't read. I just end up reading more about history and other non-fiction topics rather than novels. A lot of my fiction reading time just comes from trying to keep up with other writers on here with how little time I have. Quite frankly I shouldn't have probably mentioned TV, Movies, and Video Games because I hardly even engage in those either. I really do need to set some more time away just to read.

Ahh well, that’s a relief. Yeah finding time is hard. I usually read before bed.

Excellent! A few random observations.

Kira, usually these things are forbidden for a reason! As others have said Kira and Felix have a fun relationship. I'm really glad she didn't take up the gods offer as he definitely seems far from benevolent.

I figured the pools of liquid mercury were perhaps a quick way of teleporting to different parts of the chamber but apparently not. And interesting that Felix just happened to find the book of spells, someone or something is definitely leading him on.

"The liquid shifted again to form the shape of a muscular fox-folk wielding a sword.
The vulpine’s jacket hung open to reveal the shape of his abs and pecs. "

I'm guessing this is at least subconciously where Felix got the inspiration for his Enfield form? ;)

Oh and tomb - tome!

"I don’t know, I don’t really like fantasy stuff,” Rhelki said.
“Well, what do you like?” Kira asked.
“I definitely prefer science fiction.”"

Yaaaayyyyy!

"I'm not a huge science fiction fan. I prefer fantasy."

Bbbbooooo!!!! ;)

"Kira, usually these things are forbidden for a reason! As others have said Kira and Felix have a fun relationship. I'm really glad she didn't take up the gods offer as he definitely seems far from benevolent."

And here Kira thinks she isn't part cat.

"I figured the pools of liquid mercury were perhaps a quick way of teleporting to different parts of the chamber but apparently not. And interesting that Felix just happened to find the book of spells, someone or something is definitely leading him on."

So they ended up being a late addition. My original thought was to have them teleporters, but I eventually ended up with this shape changing goo. I was contemplating having the god also use it to create monsters to chase them during their escape, but I didn't end up writing that in.

"I'm guessing this is at least subconciously where Felix got the inspiration for his Enfield form? ;)"

Yeah, I'm kind of sprinkling in hints here and there. There was also a scene in a previous story where he sees a cloak with the same type of mystic styling that ends up on his after the transformation.

"Oh and tomb - tome!"

Bleh. I can spell... really. Maybe not. >.>

Ah I see, thanks! Must have missed that cloak reference, but I like the idea of bits and pieces coming together to inspire his new form and life. You said his motivation is going to be a little more complicated than first written, I'm guessing he does it at least partially to impress Kira? Or that he believes he would never be good enough for her as he is?

I can't answer that without spoilers. I'm trying to do a lot more setup for all of the elements of this TF and new life though. Little pieces here and there that will all come together.

OK, fair enough!

I love Galzdor speaking with a Voice of Many. Its a simple yet effective way of producing that disconcerting, otherworldly effect. Giving a glimpse of what the gods are like is effective world building even if you aren't planning on featuring them that much in the overall story.

I get the feeling I'm going to need to start a counter for awkward Felix/Kira interactions once the full story is done.

Also found one sentence in need of correction, "I know you don’t like being naked and I don’t think he doesn’t need it right now."

Looking forward to what comes next!

In my draft of the Rhelki's parent's story the gods are a bit more involved and there's a point where one of the characters interacts with multiple god's having a conversation together. It was fun to give them all different voices. They all kind of have this Voice of Many effect, but Galzdor is the most chaotic of them while other's speak more in harmony.

The Felix/Kira counter is going to get very high I have a feeling.

I'll take a note of that sentence. This will probably get reposted again at some point after a rewrite or two. I had just teased a lot of this far too much and needed to get it out there for people.

Holy moly there's a lot going on here! Tons of fun to read though, and I like the various storylines being their own thing but then coming together in the end.

Seriously though what is going on with Kira? It's such a peculiar power, almost like she's glancing into other universes. In one world the train makes it, in the other it doesn't, so on and so on. She just ends up in the most convenient one in once it's done?

The Kira and Felix situation is hilarious, you didn't over do it. Sexual tension is funny, I can read it all day. I for one am fine with them never figuring this out. Felix is 45 years old, still unable to tell her, and Kira is still oblivious but doing things to make him go crazy. Fun!

Glad you like it. I really need to get through the introduction so I can start posting this story in a proper order because writing stuff after the introduction is really fun with how crazy stuff can get.

Kira's power? Well... that's spoilers. I did steal it from a TRPG book though as something I thought would be a completely useless power in most games, but here I thought it was super interesting and the way it interacts with some stuff later... oh boy.

And I'm glad the Felix stuff isn't going too far yet. I do need to come up with some other reactions beyond him just getting all blushy though. That'll get old after awhile.

Objection: Blushing never gets old. But do yes, add more.