Started to block in colors for another painting. This one took about 100 minutes. When upon me came all of a sudden a crushing loneliness. So I closed my eyes to think of a time when I was alone but not lonely. Conventions. At the cafe, in the morning, as soon as they open. Standing in a crowd of my peers & community. My people. Watching them vigilantly, curious. My senses & focus feel free, I can tell where everyone is around me. My focus is not a high beam on anyone. I am free to breathe in & become anonymous- part of the crowd. Yet I attend every stimulation- every word I hear without meaning to listen- with kindness & acceptance. I regard you & let you go. It is not my conversation, it is not my friend, it is not my problem- but it is my world. My community.

We're all extending our feelers, after all. We're in line. Watching each other's backs. Keeping each other accountable. Giving each other respect. The boundaries that separate us intact, but knowing if there was a need for help- information... It will be within reach.

Or that lovely little surprise... When someone catches your attention to give you compliments. "You're dressed so nice." "I love your badge." "Cute wallet I love that show!!"

It's nice to feel alert & found worthy, to exist like I belong, next to strangers. Who moment by moment become a little less the stranger...

I love painting. I did a project where I'd complete one picture a day at a set resolution with only binary brushes in 2021. I'd draw whatever I was feeling. A memory, a feeling for another friend, what I wanted to do. It was a lovely form of journaling- as I've stopped writing in my journals as much the past two years. I think it might be nice to, with this little black square. It really changes my mind in how to approach shapes. The thing is so thick I've got to start planning background to foreground & patterns & designs more intently & accept more "blemishes." With things like opacity & color mixing playing a much bigger role than the binary brushes did. May be I can learn a few things. Or maybe I can apply some of the things I've learned. It's a nice thought, anyway.

I asked my friend what the comfiest outfit was before I started & they told me "a big ass t shirt & undies." I was already window shopping for some sundresses. Funny getting so much feedback on how "androgynous" Leon looks from friends. It's just a big T, but I guess shirtdress is a pretty swaggy look too x3 kehehe

if i got a manbag then i wouldnt need to be holding this wallet in my hand the whole time... 💭