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Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Dog (Other)
Size 120 x 90
File Size 11.5 kB
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More from ZizixZXC
Hey again all you furs.
On schedule, I have posted the next part of my story!
In this part, Kiev and Cathrine are at the Scrap spot, where they run into some problematic company... will their be bloodshed, or will the two friend somehow find a way to fend off the menace.
Hope you enjoy, and feedback, like always, is appreciated!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
............................................................................................................
To sum it up, the story as a whole is about a loner stray, a wolf-dog, who's just trying to find his place in the world. He can't fit in with the stray dog packs of Vladamir, because he's far too 'wolfish', but he as well cant join the wild wolf, because he is afraid to leave the confinements of his every day life.
It's an abstract attempt at recreating the world from a dogs point of view.
............................................................................................................
On schedule, I have posted the next part of my story!
In this part, Kiev and Cathrine are at the Scrap spot, where they run into some problematic company... will their be bloodshed, or will the two friend somehow find a way to fend off the menace.
Hope you enjoy, and feedback, like always, is appreciated!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
............................................................................................................
To sum it up, the story as a whole is about a loner stray, a wolf-dog, who's just trying to find his place in the world. He can't fit in with the stray dog packs of Vladamir, because he's far too 'wolfish', but he as well cant join the wild wolf, because he is afraid to leave the confinements of his every day life.
It's an abstract attempt at recreating the world from a dogs point of view.
............................................................................................................
Category Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Dog (Other)
Size 120 x 90px
File Size 11.5 kB
I was waiting for a fight to break out, ha. But hey, one thing. мой друг (Moy droog) is my friend IF the friend you are referring to is a male. If the friend is a female, it would be моя подруга(mah-ya pa-droog-ah). Sorry for being so picky, it's like the only thing I know in Russian!
Don't know how hard core you want the critique, so I'll just hit a few things that stuck out.
In the second paragraph you call Keiv a "loner stray", but from what we've seen he seems to hang out with Chatherine and the others.
I'm not 100%, but I don't think Ivan was mentioned in the earlier parts, so saying Aristarkh was his father might be confusing. (I thought it was a typo for Tver)
Again, not sure but I don't think bone is protein rich. If you mean the marrow, you might say so.
"“Are you talking to me, Half-Blood?” Ivan’s ears perked at this vicious profanity," --this confused me, probably due to putting one character's reaction after another's dialogue, but still in the same paragraph (It's often a good idea to start a new paragraph when the actor changes).
"She turned, rage blazing behind her cold blue retina." Retinas are the stuff inside the eye that responds to light. The iris is the part we usually talk about the color of.
Use of modern colloquial, like "babe" at the end, can pull people out of the story. I'm not sure that a thirteenth century Russian wouldn't say that or similar, but it still feels wrong somehow.
Overall, good stuff. Characterization on Keiv and Chatherine is progressing, and now we have a villain and at least two conflicts. ^.^
In the second paragraph you call Keiv a "loner stray", but from what we've seen he seems to hang out with Chatherine and the others.
I'm not 100%, but I don't think Ivan was mentioned in the earlier parts, so saying Aristarkh was his father might be confusing. (I thought it was a typo for Tver)
Again, not sure but I don't think bone is protein rich. If you mean the marrow, you might say so.
"“Are you talking to me, Half-Blood?” Ivan’s ears perked at this vicious profanity," --this confused me, probably due to putting one character's reaction after another's dialogue, but still in the same paragraph (It's often a good idea to start a new paragraph when the actor changes).
"She turned, rage blazing behind her cold blue retina." Retinas are the stuff inside the eye that responds to light. The iris is the part we usually talk about the color of.
Use of modern colloquial, like "babe" at the end, can pull people out of the story. I'm not sure that a thirteenth century Russian wouldn't say that or similar, but it still feels wrong somehow.
Overall, good stuff. Characterization on Keiv and Chatherine is progressing, and now we have a villain and at least two conflicts. ^.^
No, this was a perfect insight Tonin.
Everything you brought up, I cant argue with... you were right.
For future submission and this one (When I write my good copy), I'll make sure to keep your feedback in mind.
Again, thank you for the time you took to read an then critique!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
Everything you brought up, I cant argue with... you were right.
For future submission and this one (When I write my good copy), I'll make sure to keep your feedback in mind.
Again, thank you for the time you took to read an then critique!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
Your formatting is magnificant now. Keep it JUST LIKE THIS. It makes it much easier to read and digest, and it doesn't look like a big blob of words that can't be conquered. Now it looks like properly formatted writing that deserves a second look.
My only caution at this point is to beware how many named characters you introduce. Your readers may eventually have trouble remembering who is who and why they are important. You can tell a GREAT story with a small cast, just check out "Affairs of Dragons", written by yours truly. 2 main characters, and 3 sub-characters. Done. Easy.
I'm actually a little curious about the Scrap Pile itself. What IS it, exactly? The back alley behind a resturaunt? "The Junkyard" would make no sense because that's not a high enough ratio of edibles to be marked as important. I can only assume its some sort of compost heap or perhaps a dumping point for a butchering shop. That seems like the best answer. Hopefully that'll be directly answered soon enough.
~Azzy
My only caution at this point is to beware how many named characters you introduce. Your readers may eventually have trouble remembering who is who and why they are important. You can tell a GREAT story with a small cast, just check out "Affairs of Dragons", written by yours truly. 2 main characters, and 3 sub-characters. Done. Easy.
I'm actually a little curious about the Scrap Pile itself. What IS it, exactly? The back alley behind a resturaunt? "The Junkyard" would make no sense because that's not a high enough ratio of edibles to be marked as important. I can only assume its some sort of compost heap or perhaps a dumping point for a butchering shop. That seems like the best answer. Hopefully that'll be directly answered soon enough.
~Azzy
Well,
So I've improved then... a positive comment from you means a lot! By now, it must of become apparent that I am actually taking your advice... and it's helping me progress. So thank you.
As for the characters, I'm pretty sure, for now, you've been introduced to the majority (all of the main and secondary at least), so no worry there.
The scrap spot will be better developed in chapter 4, I think.
Thanks for your time AZ!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
So I've improved then... a positive comment from you means a lot! By now, it must of become apparent that I am actually taking your advice... and it's helping me progress. So thank you.
As for the characters, I'm pretty sure, for now, you've been introduced to the majority (all of the main and secondary at least), so no worry there.
The scrap spot will be better developed in chapter 4, I think.
Thanks for your time AZ!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
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