Hello to anyone reading this. No fancy colors or formatting. I live in a house where there is a lot of emotional instability and it has completely eaten my mental health. All of my job applications have been fruitless. I have no car. I need to redo my ID. To those who have seen my journal, I had full send believed that my parents were going to kick me out of the house that day or my cats were and as their cat dad I would go with them.

I have been unable to properly describe how my issues make doing chores consistently around the house very difficult to do and it has been the same conversation and fight over and over again. I hate that I am self aware and that I am unable to help myself as I don't even know where to start. I'm not even entirely aware of what is actually wrong with me. The only therapist in my town is backed up for months. The program I am in had tried to contact another therapist and it had fallen through.

They say it is a lack of responsibility but they don't know what is going on in my head. I don't have inaction as a fun thing to do. It feels like I am screaming at myself, and sometimes I am, to do something, anything. They say it is my phone. I experience intense executive dysfunction even without distractions. It isn't just that. I cannot get myself to do hobbies I enjoy. I cannot finish things. Sometimes it is so bad I don't leave my bed in time to use the bathroom. I feel like I am a broken failure.

Whenever I mess up it is met with vitriol. And I don't blame them. I get it. From the outside looking in it appears that I am a fat lazy cunt. That I don't want to do anything. That it is a choice to disrespect and make things worse. That I expect special treatment. They think fear is the only way to fix me, to get me to do things since polite talk doesn't work and any explanations I give are seen as inadequate and lazy.

I have been threatened with being kicked out the house on several occasions and I was so scared yesterday was the day I was being kicked out that I literally gathered a bunch of my things in bags and made a plan with a friend in case if they went through with it. I have been kicked out before over smaller things. My dad calls my cats vermin. He says he will kick them and hurt them. Kill them. Throw them outside when he knows that our beloved Caspurr escaped one day and was backed over. Once again, I get it. Cat boxes are my one responsibility and the smell bothers him. As in if you are autistic and you have panic attacks over certain smells while not on that level it stresses him out. And I'm trying. I really am trying. But there is a line and he has crossed it over and over again by threatening the lives of innocent animals especially to my face. He sees it as motivation. It is causing me to have breakdowns in closed quarters.

It was so intense I literally believed I was being tossed to the streets THAT DAY on Sunday. I am done. I am fucking done. There is a way to communicate in a family and terrorizing your autistic son and his cats is a line he crossed a very long time ago. There is a lot of context missing from this post, to give all of it would have it go on for hours. So know I am not an innocent person in this. I should do better and I want to do better. But it cannot be here. I want you to imagine someone much, much bigger than you are telling you that your pets are pests that deserve to die as a scare tactic. Every. Time. No matter how calmly it is said in the moment. That doesn't motivate me. It scares me. And it makes me scared of you.

My options of leaving are very, very narrow. I have no car. I have no license. I have no money. And I have two cats coming with me. I'd have to leave my entire Care Bears collection behind until I find permanent residence, well, anywhere. I don't know where I will be going or how, as plans can fall apart, all I know is that I need money to even begin to formulate an escape route. Unfortunately, I do not have a Boosty or a Venmo or CashApp (on my phone) but my Kofi is my footer and I will give my PayPal at the end of this description. I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted from this. Absolutely nobody in this house is emotionally and mentally stable including myself and being in this environment is proving to be a stump rather than a learning ground.

I feel like an asshole for e-begging however this is what I feel like to be my only option.

PayPal supernekolover[at]gmail.com

I'm so done.