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Why?

You know I always sit back and wonder why. Why do I feel a certain way, certain emotions, why is it that it seems like no matter how hard I try to be the best boy I can be and … that isn’t enough. I could be good all week, get all my work done, help others with theirs and be perfect without recognition but the moment I do one thing wrong in someone's eyes people are quick to call me out. But why not recognize the good first?

It can make it hard for me to trust whether or not I can do anything right. Harder to focus, harder to believe that I’m not the problem. I know I struggle with things, I’m not perfect. I have severe ADHD and a lot of people don’t understand or will even humor the impact that has on anyone or how complicated and different the condition can be for everyone.

It can make it hard for me to focus on simple things like homework or sitting still in class. I can read a single page in a book 10 times over and still not remember a single thing I just read. If the conversation isn’t stimulating enough or I don't have much interest in what's happening my attention will wander. If I'm trying to learn how to do something, sometimes I need people to physically show me what to do and then I can do it. My mind will wander unintentionally sometimes, I’ll focus on things around me or start thinking about things in my past. Things that are entirely out of my control sometimes.

It can even make simple tasks such as remembering that I walked into the kitchen to pour a glass of water cause I'm thirsty. Once I get in the room I’ll get as far as grabbing a cup and setting it down to do the dishes, just remembering I had some laundry to wash so I walk into my room. Now that I'm in my room perhaps I should make the bed. Now I'm next to the bathroom so I should brush my teeth. The sink is a little dirty so I should clean that real fast. Okay all that's done I should get back to work now. I’ll walk into the kitchen to see that the very cup I set on the counter 1 hour later is still empty only to realize I only came in here for a cup of water.. It can be very hard for me to stay hydrated sometimes.

God I can’t do anything right, people will see me mess things up or sometimes I’ll come across not making much sense. Sometimes I can be slow when it comes to completing certain tasks. I wonder if what I'm typing makes any sort of sense? Well you know that ADHD can be difficult to manage, it can be easy to write someone off. Well you know ADHD isn’t just forgetfulness, it isn’t just inability to focus on certain things or tasks. Did you know that it gives me a heightened sense of my surroundings.

The ability to stay calm in intense and stressful situations where others falter, panic, or run away. To see things around that others don’t typically pay attention to. The ability to learn multiple tasks by hand and understand how to do things in the simplest way possible much faster than most people can understand. I have a heightened sense of emotions so when I’m happy I can really express it but when someone hurts me, even unintentionally it can impact me ten times harder than most making me shut down or question myself. It also gives me the ability to explain and understand one's emotions without them realizing, to see people's true colors.

You know, It also gives me the ability to remember a lot in my life. As far back as when I was 1 years old. Do you remember your very first birthday cake? Maybe you know about it, but do you remember the very moment you're placed in a high chair? Surrounded by a large group of people. Everyone clapping all around you singing happy birthday. Your mom is smiling at you as she's coming towards your highchair with a large white rectangular cake, bits of red all over it.. strawberries. A singular candle lit in the center, placing it in front of you. Strawberry shortcake, whipped cream frosting, fresh strawberries over top.

I remember sticking my finger in the frosting as everyone clapped all around, the room lit with the gentle light of the sun setting behind the trees, just outside the windows in full view, leaves fluttering in the wind. The feeling of the high chair, in my onesie and bib warped around my neck, cozy, snug. This cake is humongous but looks interesting.. giving that cake a little taste. Incredible, sweet, unlike anything I ever had before. Gentle direction from my mom showing me how to blow out the candle. A single puff and it’s gone so she removes it.

Everyone all around starts chanting for me.. They want me to put my face into it. I didn’t really want to because I know mom will wash my face after. She uses this wash rag that's super abrasive on my gentle skin. It kinda hurts when she washes my face. Everyone in the room is cheering me on though and the cake is super yummy. I guess maybe why not?

I looked down at the cake for a moment, I swung my head around to prepare myself and really go for it after all the encouragement. Everyone's eyes light up as they cheer louder. I put my face full force into that delicious strawberry cake and the room cheered. I lift my head up proud of how happy that made everyone smacking down on a face full of cake.

Before I know it, the cake is lifted and taken away, everyone starts to calm down and talk with one another as I watch mom come over with something I knew was coming. The wash rag.. There's no fighting that, it was inevitable and I knew that. She gently holds the back of my head with one hand as the other touches the rag to my face. Ow… yeah that’s enough to make me cry a little. Plus the cake was really good. I wasn’t quite finished.

I remember a lot in my life, I remember walking around outside. Playing with my brothers and sisters. Short talls were my favorite to wear by the way, I could put them on all by myself. They also kept the soft bulk of my diaper nice and secure unlike my other clothing. The trampoline was super fun to jump on too. My favorite ever! I remember fishing with my dad out on the lake. My first fish, slimy and gross. I didn't really want to touch it but dad wanted a picture. I remember watching him leave every morning for work.

I was always up watching cartoons and coloring with my big markers, crayons. He hugged me goodbye and I’d watch him hop in his tall green truck with enormous monster wheels pull out and disappear in the tree line. I could look to my left and see the highway where his truck would pass on in just a few moments. Afternoon would hit like clockwork and sometimes I'd sit out and wait to see his truck come by. Sowing me he’s almost home, maybe he has a treat!

I remember emotions in the house, my sister crying as she hugged me carrying me into the other room. I remember yelling in the other room, mom and dad were talking about something while I watched rugrats on the tv in my snug diaper and T-shirt on the floor and drank my juice. It was pretty cozy, they probably didn't want me to go in the other room anyway so I just stayed put with my sister watching behind me.

I remember a brisk morning, the sun just peaking over the tree lines as it was coming up. May dad kneeling down in front of me giving me a hug. Telling me everything is going to be okay and he will be gone for a while but not forever. He seemed stressed and uneasy, his truck had a few things packed in the back. He stayed with me a few moments longer than a typical morning before smiling and hopping in his truck. Slowly disappearing in the tree lines again. I looked to my left and his truck passed by as usual but … things were not usual. I wouldn’t see his truck that afternoon.

You know, I sit back and sometimes I wonder why.. Is it me, did I do something wrong, or are some things just completely out of my control? I like to think that everything happens for a reason, that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That I have ADHD for a reason, to help me see things all around. To help me learn and see things most can’t. I'm not unhappy about things that happened in my life, if it wasn't for some I'm not sure I would be where I am today.

But sometimes I sit back and wonder why, why me? Well maybe if I’m patient enough, I’ll find out.