..hello

I'm sorry, I know I haven't been here in a while, I thought I'd write this here while I have the energy just so you know what's going on with me right now

My diagnosis:
Major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, c-PTSD, ASD

I'm currently taking:
Antidepressant, a normotimic (to enhance the effects of the antidepressant), and a neuroleptic
The dosages are being gradually increased

I want to tell you a little bit about my condition

In the past I lived a long time in domestic violence where I was beaten and my father tried to kill me, I was also sexually abused, many situations where my sanity was fading away

..I don't think I can cope anymore and I can't manage all my social networks
I can't really interact with anyone, I'm sorry
I can barely finish my last order because my hands are shaking and I feel awful during the day

I've had fewer thoughts from the meds, which is good, but now I can't do anything about the anxiety attacks, my chest area hurts a lot all the time
I shake inside a lot, my hands shake, you can't eat without shaking in your hands and sudden tears
I broke a plate while I was washing dishes because I started shaking all of a sudden
I stutter, I don't want to talk to strangers
I'm very anxious about people in the street, I don't want to go out, I'm scared and I don't even understand why, but I don't want to be here, I want to go home
I don't sleep much, and then again in snippets, you wake up with anxiety
..crying, yelling, screaming
You can't work properly, but you have to exist somehow and fulfill the duties you've taken responsibility for, think, find strength
loss of trust, fear, panic attacks with regret about my actions and naivety, and how to trust people again?

I wish I didn't have to remember anything that happened with me
I wish I was just gone

I'm trying so hard, but I can't do it
All I can do is lie curled up in my arms and hug a stuffed toy
I'm tired, I don't want anything
My attempts to believe again and just get warm and caring turned out to be something I regret

I live alone, my psychiatrist said that I need therapy very urgently and should not stay alone for a long time, but I don't have money for permanent therapy now...I also have to fulfill a loan I took out

Please, if you have the opportunity and want to help me in any way, I would be very grateful:

https://boosty.to/streyzhe_starry/donate

..I'm already grateful if you just read this and took the time to read this post
I don't know when I'll get better, I don't have any desire to live right now, but I'm glad if my drawings have brought you some good feelings

Thank you for being with me