This is a piece I made based on the song Lobo, by Elena Gadel (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssJsvMyaCiU)

Lyrics translation: Has a frozen body, dead hands, purple lips and the soul dry. Today, sighs bath in sorrow. Invisible sentence, oh, if they knew. If I could, I'd build you a little cement house, next to mine, if I could, and let the wolf get tired of blowing. If I could, I'd be your great guardian angel, I'd keep you warm from the cold, my friend, you'd be invincible, my heart.

Although my illustration has a slight different meaning compared to the MV and song, it really resonated with me and made me think a lot. I had a lot of buried feelings, almost forgotten, and thanks to this song they came to light. TLDR: Just adult me wanting to protect younger me from stuff. TW for SA.

At first, I was hesitant to post it, but it's thanks to other people that have shared their stories that I have been able to understand how I feel. I believe it's very important to speak out. I had been hiding it from most people, as if it was something to be ashamed of, but it isn't. Seeing on the internet how prevalent victim blaming is... that definitely scares me, but at this point, I'd rather open up than bottle up. Also, this is not a cry for help, I already have a therapist. Art is really helpful to work on your feelings too! I just want to share my story, I find it harder to explain in an oral conversation, I shouldn't be scared or ashamed of it, but knowing that the people that mistreated me are probably thinking they are so good and such great feminists makes my blood boil.

Now that I put it into words, it sounds very concerning, but for the longest time I thought it was just a little problem that most people had. It's almost stereotypical for an ace person to be a SA victim, though I have given up on finding out if I'm ace because of having fucked up sexual experiences as a child, or that just happened because I was born this way. Either way, I'm proud to be who I am today. The first to blame would be society (truly we live in one) for the lack of sexual education and the unrestricted Internet that most of us had. As a kid, your brain is a sponge, and maybe safety should be taught before finding out what pornography is. I remember being so aware of my body because I knew how women were viewed (oh, how lovely that 'teen' is such a popular tag!). And surely, it's interesting how I got catcalled more around this age than now. When I was around 10, I had already had experiences with people wanting to force themselves on me. The scariest part? It was a supposed 'boyfriend' of my age. I did not understand how someone that supposedly liked me, would want to rip my pants just for him to have fun, because of course, that's what was normalized. Then, when I was 13, hell started. I got a boyfriend, officially, and he was 17. I was so sure I was mature for my age and it was so great to be loved by someone, but it wasn't until 4 years later that I broke up with him and realized nothing had been okay. I had been raped almost every weekend since the relationship started. Sometimes, I believed I was consenting, but by age and by getting the silent treatment later, that was not consent at all. What's most surprising, is that no one said anything. My family was okay with the age gap, his family was happy with me. Obviously I wasn't okay, I wasn't aware of it, but it took me a long time to understand everything. And good news! A few years ago, I found out he got ran over and barely survived. Let's hope for next time~

Now that I have come to terms with what happened, I really wished someone was there to protect me. Everything failed, the system, my family, the few friends I had. If I could visit my younger self, I'd do anything to protect her. She was only a kid. And sadly, this happens every day to many, not only girls. If someone you know is a victim, make sure to help them and cherish them. If someone you know is an abuser, make sure they understand what they did and take them to therapy or the police.

After years of therapy and lots of work, I think I have a good relationship with my sexuality. It's hard, but somehow, the kink, the butch, the trans and the furry community have been very welcoming with this. I'm happy I no longer wish to 'be normal', life happened and that's it. It's true that it's harder to find partners and friends that understand it, but they exist. If other people aren't ashamed of being ace, why would I?

One of the thing I have most empowering is being able to say 'no', in any scenario; to a hug, to have sex, to do errands, to go to the cinema, etc., and have people respect it, knowing I'm safe to say that magical word.

Thanks for reading.