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Darius was walking along with The Knight in a part the forest surrounding the kingdom. They were talking about what they would do once they returned back to their little homes. Darius was explaining how his davita wants another clutch of eggs. Darius didn’t want another one after the first clutch gave him a headache. It was not that he did not also want another one; he just did not want another one so soon. He was still growing scales to replace the last ones that were burned away after teaching one of his sons how to use his acid ability properly.
The Knight was saying how he was going to go back to the tavern and hope he gets lucky with one of the wenches or barmaids. He was always a flirt and he never could seem to handle a relationship properly once a lady wants an actual commitment after their ‘love-making’. The Knight has tried to make it work, but he would always find that flaw that would push him away. Because of that, The Knight has left a string of broken hearts in his past. Since his last break-up, he started wearing green garbs and a green hat that could cover his long ears. He was not ashamed of his long ears, but they did tend to get poked by branches to often (think Robin Hood or Zelda costume, neither which I own). With his sword at his side and bow and arrows on his back, he travels with Darius in the forest in hopes to catch something. If not, The Knight would return hungry and Darius would not have something for his davita.
“All I saying Darius, is that I believe you should go up to your woman and tell her that you are not to make more eggs. You’re a male dragon. One of the few white dragons that was not killed, captured, or fleeing for his life. You even fought one of the baddest bad guys ever. Stand up for yourself and tell her you are not ready yet,” The Knight said in a clear spirited tone. It was not unusual for a rabbit person to sound like that.
“I am not going to take advice from a rabbit that had an issue with a girl that has the ‘problem’ of making a few bad jokes,” Darius said. Darius did admit she would try to make some of the corniest jokes in Rynoon, but only when she felt the situation was too tense or too quiet. And some of them helped lighten the situation.
“That was not the problem, though. The problem was she on laughing at her own jokes and she had a horrible laugh.”
Darius stepped right in his path and looked him in the eyes with his pupils in narrow slits, which let The Knight know that Darius was serious. “Here is my advice for you. Find a girl that won’t allow you to break her heart so easily. Find a girl that is willing to make you compromise or try to get the girl to compromise before you leave her.” He flicked his tongue out to taste the air. He tasted something new in the air. It was something familiar and yet different. It was like it tasted like a wolf and yet it was mingled with something else altogether.
“Well this is strange. I taste something unusual, coming from the south.” He flicked his tongue again and added, “I also taste something cooking as well. It might be fish.”
Darius started walking in that direction and The Knight followed, unsure what he would find. Thinking that Darius had found something edible, The Knight strung his bow and nocked an arrow. As they came closer, they saw smoke rising in the air. They continued forward into a small camp made for one. On the ground, looking like it was dead or asleep was a creature with the ears and tail of a fox, and a body of a lady panther without the fur. She also had strange diamond-shaped markings on her thighs and stomach. On her face were two more markings, only they were triangular shaped and they curved to give it the look like it was following the curve of her cheeks. Her hair was pink and the only clothing she wore was two pieces of loincloths and a cloak that would normally hide her tail if she was standing. Darius tapped into his senses to see what else he could glean from the strange women, or at least he hoped it was a women and not some womanly-looking man. Closing his eyes and clearing his mind, Darius smelled the air to see if there was magic in it. One whiff told Darius that not only was there a high concentration of magic in the air, but it was originating from the person laying the grass. It was like she was a flower that has giving off a heavy fragrance.
“You may want to be careful around this creature Knight. This person is dangerous,” Darius whispered. He unfurled his wings and shifted his stance, ready to snatch The Knight or fight the furless woman if he could not save his friend from trouble.
“Pffft. You worry too much Darius. I bet she is just a girl that found a nice place to sleep.” The Knight squatted down to get a closer look at this extraordinary thing in front of him.
No fur except for the ears and tail, and yet he did not find her revolting. He would even go as far as to say ‘attractive’ if that were possible. He did not want to be too forward or too creepy. That was how girlfriend number 12 ended up broken hearted. The Knight liked her, but she was too emotional. She kept on teasing him with small, skin-tight outfits but never wanted to do anything beyond cuddling and talking. She showered him with compliments and gave more attention he had ever received from anybody before. He decided that it was too much and he distanced himself from the girl. It eventually ended by itself like water evaporating in the warm sun.
The Knight brought his attention back to the problem at hand. He obviously could not leave this thing here. Some bandit could come and injure her The Knight decided to call it a her since it looked so feminine.
“Darius, what do you think? Should we help it?” He unstrung his bow and replaced the arrow back into his quiver.
“No,” Darius said sternly.
“Why not? She seems harmless enough,” The knight said as he moved in closer to pick up the girl. He stopped in his tracks however when a sword materialized out of the air and found itself at his throat. The girl on the ground had her blue and purple eyes open and in her hand held a sword ready to slice the neck of The Knight. Her eyes burned of mistrust and caution.
TO BE CONTINUED…
I just made this on the spot and I got an ok from
DemonNyoko to post this. So apparently, this is a go. Will work on it for a little while and critique is always accepted.
Darius is mine by the way, SO HANDS OFF. If you want to use the guy, then send me a message. Any drawing, real or digital, is accepted anytime.
The Knight was saying how he was going to go back to the tavern and hope he gets lucky with one of the wenches or barmaids. He was always a flirt and he never could seem to handle a relationship properly once a lady wants an actual commitment after their ‘love-making’. The Knight has tried to make it work, but he would always find that flaw that would push him away. Because of that, The Knight has left a string of broken hearts in his past. Since his last break-up, he started wearing green garbs and a green hat that could cover his long ears. He was not ashamed of his long ears, but they did tend to get poked by branches to often (think Robin Hood or Zelda costume, neither which I own). With his sword at his side and bow and arrows on his back, he travels with Darius in the forest in hopes to catch something. If not, The Knight would return hungry and Darius would not have something for his davita.
“All I saying Darius, is that I believe you should go up to your woman and tell her that you are not to make more eggs. You’re a male dragon. One of the few white dragons that was not killed, captured, or fleeing for his life. You even fought one of the baddest bad guys ever. Stand up for yourself and tell her you are not ready yet,” The Knight said in a clear spirited tone. It was not unusual for a rabbit person to sound like that.
“I am not going to take advice from a rabbit that had an issue with a girl that has the ‘problem’ of making a few bad jokes,” Darius said. Darius did admit she would try to make some of the corniest jokes in Rynoon, but only when she felt the situation was too tense or too quiet. And some of them helped lighten the situation.
“That was not the problem, though. The problem was she on laughing at her own jokes and she had a horrible laugh.”
Darius stepped right in his path and looked him in the eyes with his pupils in narrow slits, which let The Knight know that Darius was serious. “Here is my advice for you. Find a girl that won’t allow you to break her heart so easily. Find a girl that is willing to make you compromise or try to get the girl to compromise before you leave her.” He flicked his tongue out to taste the air. He tasted something new in the air. It was something familiar and yet different. It was like it tasted like a wolf and yet it was mingled with something else altogether.
“Well this is strange. I taste something unusual, coming from the south.” He flicked his tongue again and added, “I also taste something cooking as well. It might be fish.”
Darius started walking in that direction and The Knight followed, unsure what he would find. Thinking that Darius had found something edible, The Knight strung his bow and nocked an arrow. As they came closer, they saw smoke rising in the air. They continued forward into a small camp made for one. On the ground, looking like it was dead or asleep was a creature with the ears and tail of a fox, and a body of a lady panther without the fur. She also had strange diamond-shaped markings on her thighs and stomach. On her face were two more markings, only they were triangular shaped and they curved to give it the look like it was following the curve of her cheeks. Her hair was pink and the only clothing she wore was two pieces of loincloths and a cloak that would normally hide her tail if she was standing. Darius tapped into his senses to see what else he could glean from the strange women, or at least he hoped it was a women and not some womanly-looking man. Closing his eyes and clearing his mind, Darius smelled the air to see if there was magic in it. One whiff told Darius that not only was there a high concentration of magic in the air, but it was originating from the person laying the grass. It was like she was a flower that has giving off a heavy fragrance.
“You may want to be careful around this creature Knight. This person is dangerous,” Darius whispered. He unfurled his wings and shifted his stance, ready to snatch The Knight or fight the furless woman if he could not save his friend from trouble.
“Pffft. You worry too much Darius. I bet she is just a girl that found a nice place to sleep.” The Knight squatted down to get a closer look at this extraordinary thing in front of him.
No fur except for the ears and tail, and yet he did not find her revolting. He would even go as far as to say ‘attractive’ if that were possible. He did not want to be too forward or too creepy. That was how girlfriend number 12 ended up broken hearted. The Knight liked her, but she was too emotional. She kept on teasing him with small, skin-tight outfits but never wanted to do anything beyond cuddling and talking. She showered him with compliments and gave more attention he had ever received from anybody before. He decided that it was too much and he distanced himself from the girl. It eventually ended by itself like water evaporating in the warm sun.
The Knight brought his attention back to the problem at hand. He obviously could not leave this thing here. Some bandit could come and injure her The Knight decided to call it a her since it looked so feminine.
“Darius, what do you think? Should we help it?” He unstrung his bow and replaced the arrow back into his quiver.
“No,” Darius said sternly.
“Why not? She seems harmless enough,” The knight said as he moved in closer to pick up the girl. He stopped in his tracks however when a sword materialized out of the air and found itself at his throat. The girl on the ground had her blue and purple eyes open and in her hand held a sword ready to slice the neck of The Knight. Her eyes burned of mistrust and caution.
TO BE CONTINUED…
I just made this on the spot and I got an ok from
DemonNyoko to post this. So apparently, this is a go. Will work on it for a little while and critique is always accepted. Darius is mine by the way, SO HANDS OFF. If you want to use the guy, then send me a message. Any drawing, real or digital, is accepted anytime.
Category Story / Fanart
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 27.5 kB
Before I forget, the fox lady belongs to DemonNyoko, so if you want to know more about the character you should inquire to the creator. I am just making a fanfic.
DemonNyoko, so if you want to know more about the character you should inquire to the creator. I am just making a fanfic. 
His "davita?" I"m not entirely sure what that is {Though it might become clear as I read}
Second Sentence of the second paragraph is awkard; perhaps make it a little less wordy?
Erm, now that I read through it, I see a few things; Check to make sure that every word says what you want it to say; if it doesn't, then find a way to say it better. Word count means nothing if the story's confusing becuase you tried to break 50K words (exaggeration, but you know what I mean)
Don't forsake proofreading your stories; Just because word gives it a green light, doesn't mean there aren't still errors. For example. "I talking" and "her laughing her jokes"; word will say that's right, but you need to have a discerning eye when proofreading your own work.
Watch out for word confusion. I see a few To/too mix ups in there; not too bad, but something to which you'll want to pay attention....
Now for the good stuff. It's interesting and tugs at the reader a bit, though it's distant; by that, I mean it's not really inviting to the reader, and the reader can't suspend belief to get into it, even though it is a short snipped. Perhaps make it warmer somehow; if/how you choose to is up to you. It's easy to follow and understand though, so not much puzzling about it... though I'm not sure the parenthetical aside is necessary.
When writing, be sure to consider your audience; for example, as a furry who likes fantasy, and dragons... this story is great; but, being a furry who's been even remotely introduced to Disney or Nintendo, the comparison to Robinhood or Link isn't really necessary; most (85% of your intended audience) would at least be familiar with the designs.
Other than that, it's a great story, and has a lot of potential but needs a smidge of revision...
I hope you find this helpful in some way?
Second Sentence of the second paragraph is awkard; perhaps make it a little less wordy?
Erm, now that I read through it, I see a few things; Check to make sure that every word says what you want it to say; if it doesn't, then find a way to say it better. Word count means nothing if the story's confusing becuase you tried to break 50K words (exaggeration, but you know what I mean)
Don't forsake proofreading your stories; Just because word gives it a green light, doesn't mean there aren't still errors. For example. "I talking" and "her laughing her jokes"; word will say that's right, but you need to have a discerning eye when proofreading your own work.
Watch out for word confusion. I see a few To/too mix ups in there; not too bad, but something to which you'll want to pay attention....
Now for the good stuff. It's interesting and tugs at the reader a bit, though it's distant; by that, I mean it's not really inviting to the reader, and the reader can't suspend belief to get into it, even though it is a short snipped. Perhaps make it warmer somehow; if/how you choose to is up to you. It's easy to follow and understand though, so not much puzzling about it... though I'm not sure the parenthetical aside is necessary.
When writing, be sure to consider your audience; for example, as a furry who likes fantasy, and dragons... this story is great; but, being a furry who's been even remotely introduced to Disney or Nintendo, the comparison to Robinhood or Link isn't really necessary; most (85% of your intended audience) would at least be familiar with the designs.
Other than that, it's a great story, and has a lot of potential but needs a smidge of revision...
I hope you find this helpful in some way?
*nods and smiles* Yeah... I don't major in writing either; in fact, I'm just out of HS (graduated some 3 weeks ago?) and on my way to college for Biology...
But yeah, sometimes it takes a bit of soul crushing to get better... I know; my teachers would do the same thing to me.
But yeah, sometimes it takes a bit of soul crushing to get better... I know; my teachers would do the same thing to me.
*nods softly* Also... I'd like to say that my "critique" is simply suggestions. If you think I'm wrong, you don't have to listen to me by any means if you don't want to. :D
but the Davita reference fits... but not being in the loop, I jut don't understand wht it means is all... hehe
but the Davita reference fits... but not being in the loop, I jut don't understand wht it means is all... hehe
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