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Kurrie/Kurra is a strange case of a pony. He's weird, and not just random weird like that one pink pony from Ponyville... He's both been given and made himself a hard life, based on his eternal worry about his flank. He's physically grown up now, but he was born with this strange patterning of skin and fur. He's not a blankflank, but who knows if he has gotten his cutiemark yet, or even if this was supposed to be it. The strange smattering confounds him. As a very young thing he alternately feared and enjoyed his blemish, some days pretending that it was his cutiemark, and parading it proudly, and other times he hated it when the other ponies wondered out loud, very out loud, what was wrong with him. As he grew, it stayed; it never left, cleared up, nothing. He went to see people to talk about what might be wrong, if it could be 'fixed...' as you can see, he didn't find a fix so far. Sometimes he bit at it, scraped at it, shaved it down to see if there was a cutiemark underneath, and on the harder late nights was tempted to plain gouge it off. Sometimes he thought maybe he was right as a colt, that this really was some actually cutiemark of weirdness, he was talented at just being weird. But he couldn't live with himself like that either. So, he goes on with life, does what he can, enjoys life but still cries at it too. He just wishes he knew what was going on in his flank, what was going on with him, and whether or not he was ever going to find a fix to what's wrong with him. Whether he was meant to carry this, or be free of it, he wish he knew, so he could either accept his blemish, or wait expectantly for the day he could be free of it, but not knowing anything was a bigger burden than either of those destinies.
I hate being a downer, but I've been carrying this heavyness all throughout this recent AC 2011. Some friends (Kain this is sorta the post I was prepping to make) may know things that relate to this. Funny, it was easier to grasp my mental.... the anger/excessive need for justice/stupid judgmental thinking I've had all my life. Like, all my life. I can trace memories of sudden fright that transformed into anger, when I was two years old, fright and very clear things that I felt even before I achieved complete self-awareness/consciousness. So... I have this stuff in my head, maybe bad experiences? that have apparently made me into a person that... I dunno exactly? My way of seeing people is skewed? Honestly most of that needs to be limited to talking with... people trained to talk about these things.
Anyway, enough ramble. I was sorta lonely in the Zoo at times, and thus decided to sketch this in there. You may have seen me making it. All this is what was going on in my head at the time. And yes, that's the official pony me, at least until I clear the distortion/guilt in my head. You know at Anthrocon, I see in me, the best that I can be socially. It's not always there, but I can see it at least a hundred times there. It's nearly impossible to see any other time or place in life. I can see how clean and good and polished I can be, even with broken parts. I can only imagine how good I will be, hopefully once I get out of home, and see the um, professionals I need to see in a few months. Hopefully all that will work out... but... I need to do art therapy, and I needed to explain to friends I have wronged, the things that make me be a dumb and a idiot at times, though a pony kinda metaphor.
I kinda really enjoy MLP partly because of this, the visual art along with the way the show's stories are told, gave me a very graspable uh... like... it let me find parallels to the different parts of my personality and how I act. And it lets me express myself quickly and yet with great detail, in a G-rated world where... I guess even my hardest emotions can be kinda softened over? maybe? and easier to handle for me maybe.
I know I don't have my cutiemark yet. I am good at some things, very good at some others... but... I can just tell. I have something broken in me, that I have to believe can be fixed or at least welded solid so it doesn't break anything else. And don't get me wrong, I loved AC and I loved seeing everyone I saw, and I wish I could hug everyone up more and tighter, and I miss so many friends, friends who couldn't make it out, friends I just haven't been able to see. I had to basically disappear from the face of the earth in December 2010 to graduate university, and I'm still only now coming back. My social skills are rusted solid. I'm working to get them moving again, AC helped so much. But I need help. I hate how I sound, like I'm begging, just gimme alla time, but darn if I'm not working. Peoples like
snapai helped me so much this weekend... and... oh well I'll cover that in my AC report, but.... oogh so much to talk about... and I'm tired.... *clicks post button*
I hate being a downer, but I've been carrying this heavyness all throughout this recent AC 2011. Some friends (Kain this is sorta the post I was prepping to make) may know things that relate to this. Funny, it was easier to grasp my mental.... the anger/excessive need for justice/stupid judgmental thinking I've had all my life. Like, all my life. I can trace memories of sudden fright that transformed into anger, when I was two years old, fright and very clear things that I felt even before I achieved complete self-awareness/consciousness. So... I have this stuff in my head, maybe bad experiences? that have apparently made me into a person that... I dunno exactly? My way of seeing people is skewed? Honestly most of that needs to be limited to talking with... people trained to talk about these things.
Anyway, enough ramble. I was sorta lonely in the Zoo at times, and thus decided to sketch this in there. You may have seen me making it. All this is what was going on in my head at the time. And yes, that's the official pony me, at least until I clear the distortion/guilt in my head. You know at Anthrocon, I see in me, the best that I can be socially. It's not always there, but I can see it at least a hundred times there. It's nearly impossible to see any other time or place in life. I can see how clean and good and polished I can be, even with broken parts. I can only imagine how good I will be, hopefully once I get out of home, and see the um, professionals I need to see in a few months. Hopefully all that will work out... but... I need to do art therapy, and I needed to explain to friends I have wronged, the things that make me be a dumb and a idiot at times, though a pony kinda metaphor.
I kinda really enjoy MLP partly because of this, the visual art along with the way the show's stories are told, gave me a very graspable uh... like... it let me find parallels to the different parts of my personality and how I act. And it lets me express myself quickly and yet with great detail, in a G-rated world where... I guess even my hardest emotions can be kinda softened over? maybe? and easier to handle for me maybe.
I know I don't have my cutiemark yet. I am good at some things, very good at some others... but... I can just tell. I have something broken in me, that I have to believe can be fixed or at least welded solid so it doesn't break anything else. And don't get me wrong, I loved AC and I loved seeing everyone I saw, and I wish I could hug everyone up more and tighter, and I miss so many friends, friends who couldn't make it out, friends I just haven't been able to see. I had to basically disappear from the face of the earth in December 2010 to graduate university, and I'm still only now coming back. My social skills are rusted solid. I'm working to get them moving again, AC helped so much. But I need help. I hate how I sound, like I'm begging, just gimme alla time, but darn if I'm not working. Peoples like
snapai helped me so much this weekend... and... oh well I'll cover that in my AC report, but.... oogh so much to talk about... and I'm tired.... *clicks post button*
Category Artwork (Digital) / Fanart
Species Horse
Size 636 x 1005px
File Size 235.9 kB
This is really moving and deep, dear. The idea is really interesting and powerful, and a neat way to express the personal things you struggle with. MLP really is wonderful for that, giving us a world that feels safe and warm but that we can use to explore a surprising number of real-world concerns. I really want things to go well for you and turn out okay. This little pony deserves a cutie mark he can take pride and certainty in, and I really, really hope you find it. *hugs close*
Well, the next morning after i posted this, I thought maybe I was taking me too childish about it. Defining my state of fixedness in whether I had a cutiemark or not, and other things that were similar. Movies and tv don't exactly... help me alla time...
Maybe this is my cutiemark. I mean maybe it really is. Goodness knows in the 'real' ('real'.... oh my @_@) pony world, there's lots of hoofers that never get a cutiemark/don't get to display one for any number of reasons. Also, this can be highly suspectful of pitiable, which is dumb. I didn't pity me at con (though I wanted to) because I wanted to have fun, and get on stage and help amp energy at the dances... :> I think, if I draw me as a pony again, I'll either hava smaller blemish or be blankflank. Maybe... Or I'll just draw draggy me.
Maybe this is my cutiemark. I mean maybe it really is. Goodness knows in the 'real' ('real'.... oh my @_@) pony world, there's lots of hoofers that never get a cutiemark/don't get to display one for any number of reasons. Also, this can be highly suspectful of pitiable, which is dumb. I didn't pity me at con (though I wanted to) because I wanted to have fun, and get on stage and help amp energy at the dances... :> I think, if I draw me as a pony again, I'll either hava smaller blemish or be blankflank. Maybe... Or I'll just draw draggy me.
There's a balance to be struck, you don't want to become defined by self-pity or anything certainly, nothing good comes of that. Which is why you wouldn't want that blemish to really BE the actual cutie mark due to the things it means to you. But at the same time I think we're all entitled to find things about ourselves we aren't happy with and wish were better, after all that's the first step in working to make them better. And I think your ability to focus on friendship and happiness despite these struggles is a really admirable thing.
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