Refusing to allow censors to stop me from creating but there's certainly a lot of "I don't care" right now

The act of trying is the caring but the results are messy, sloppy, warped, distorted, imperfect, seeking perfection, thrashing, lashing out in every direction.
I got a new cheap ass sketchbook I'm running wild on scribbling & untangling via putting tangles out onto the sketches instead, until they resemble some kind of blumenkranz , tucked into some vague shape or vision of beauty or a face

it's been difficult, escapism & routines & getting some geraniums has helped me to find grounding & let go through a lot of this grieving, but now's the part of the process where i have to wrestle the spirit back into control

it's a wild creature, spend too long outside of the stable & it becomes so cocky & needs breaking-in again- my artistic drive & self. Thankfully I have more tools & languages to express it than ever, but it's still a bit messy & sloppy

the hardest part of accepting death isn't so much that the person i love is gone, it is chafing against ALL of the indifference of the world, that most I encounter have NOTHING to say except platitudes & pity & it makes me sick, it makes me so extraordinarily sick to think that that's all life is to you, lip service, you can't even try to say more words- you can't even try to talk about what you care about or try to live, it's all escapism, it's all bleakness, it's all vampires, & while it HURTS ME

i understand that that is because of material conditions that HURT YOU, too

i am shedding my skin of conservatism to think that you just havent mind over mattered yourself or whatever enough to start caring, i dont blame you
this world is built on the backs of non caring

keeping Me through all of this, while being so isolated, trying to accept that ►I◄ exist & that I do not exist only ►if◄ I am benefiting someone, while no one seems to understand what helping me looks like

headpatting me when someone i love is dead is a fine gesture, it's well intentioned
but then off & leaving me behind, refusing to speak to me, when we're such old friends

it's rough. it's rough, hard-done, cold hearted.

im TRYING to accept & make room in my consideration for other realities, like
"oh i dont wanna stress you, or oh you always seem to have so much going on, or oh well i dont really know what to talk to you about"

im trying, im really trying

im trying to hold onto peace that our status quo has had, im trying to ACCEPT that those ive said are close as family to me
that you just see me as transient through your lives, that you don't really want to share much just, moments

that is worth holding onto, it's worth not scorning just because i am scared & alone & hurt right now, closing paths just because i am hurt

but i am very hurt
& i dont want to force smiles
i dont want to make it easy for anyone
i want to see someone try, & it BETTER be me

its always been me

ive always been the one who needs to change, the one who has to adapt, the one who can bend & bend over & bend down & make compromises & withhold complaint & do my duty no matter how little i get for it, & then to be told "it's not enough"

it'll never be enough

but i can be enough for me,

it's difficult to mask as convincingly as the fox does, right now.
i feel awoke from a dream & everything is pain & i'd like to go back to sleep

i learned my sister has some asshole making a documentary/drama fucking essayist bullshit about her

i wish you fucking wouldn't but i get it, we all have to hustle right

compromise our selves & our integrity & conscience just to make that bread

i still hate that you're doing that, i wish you fucking wouldn't
i wish you cared about anyone, i wish you saw your "drama reporting" as cruel & heartless as it really is
marking a target as pariah & making adcents off of it is the cruelest, most wicked, disgusting behavior & i resent those who create it & the sheep who follow those trends
"well at least I'm not as bad as them!"

call my lamentations a "crash out" all you like,

now is the best time to stop your season of indifference

instead of infecting what you find "indefensible" , try defending something you ACTUALLY care about- develop a bit of fucking empathy, please
im begging you

the war machine will not save you or care for you one bit, & all prosperity you feel in your wallet will depart from you & you will remain a hollowed out husk when the vampires are finished with you,
& best believe they WILL be finished with you

sadists aren't known for keeping their meat puppets when the novelty has worn off.

Anyway, dragon in a wing straight jacket because he made an intense face is the first thing ive made in a few weeks that feels even remotely presentable, so here you go

about where ive been, lately, trying to get back to kinder, more warm dreams
don't engage with me unless you like getting tail swiped or bucked off, i am not an easy mark right now but i AM trying to get back to it

pity that it's taking so long