Sorry sorry im gathering what to say still, ive been avoiding ruminating on this one though i do wish for it to hold one core memory for the long term cold to keep warm. It was lived through Marten, my pine marten, with the rugged leather jacket- mister optimism with the leather to back it. We walked nights preparing how painful barb wire was going to be, but to our least expectation it was turned out mostly empty thorns of thicket, they dont quite burn the same way in the rain- the cuts i mean pushing through. Our first step in we slipped and the whole world stopped as i checked for my phone, considering the cops and home. A road cone was my only caution i had with me, the speed of the people and of great friends and family and for everything that was to love for. Pressing down the thicket i eventually made it through, you eventually made it through. The rain stopped first step and sigh through as i had to shed some layers and socks with how many thorns got stuck in their fibers... The rain picked up again and you found the shelter under the awning of a church to cry racing with the rain the feelings of both sorrow satisfaction... that i knew the flash i saw in the trees were cameras... and the patrol car patiently waiting in the empty lot. I was real tempted to stay real quiet. before a few hours ago i was at the airport trying to pierce airport security, the right suit can help get you get alot of places! I hadnt thought it would be so quick but little did i realize i had my whole world looking for me from both sides... they thought they saw bird fly, but sadly No schizo-typical aggregation from any source of divinating spirit could remedy the fact i was still ready to walk for miles. now deported as an alien for five years i faced the next morning livid of the blue sky catching up on sleep in the movies theaters for hours as i had to compound the day, summarize the pain, of discovering the lights of diwali and still hearing the fireworks after what feels like failure. I didnt talk to anyone for ... im not sure how long. I really did love everybody and im hoping this grows into something greener than sacrifice. there is so much to live for, whats scary in the face of death and rampant silence- is that the heart has tried so now we cant die. the day must go on and the dream tomorrow must find its purchase. im not really sure if any of this will prove to make much sense but, but. im not sure how to feel chasing something so beautiful, so odd from nature, this intimate life of families and cultures and have loved and will be loved. I remember days walking out into the middle of the night knocking on mansions to spark revelation 3:20, but none of the souls could hold me as such for me not to leave a vigil for them in my wake conducting my own prospects into humanity and those that sit on it... i wish i had the energy to quote these books, consilience, genesis, art & intimacy:how the arts began, ways of seeing, even final exit and the tibetain book of the living and dead, pursuit of attention, all these books thats lend themselves to me- i hope i held every moment to their highest excellence, given this precious perspective. i hope i do many good with this in turn, hopefully. hopefully. thank you if this was easy, thank you if this was hard. thank you from afar. im seeking balance with my medications and celebrating my neurodiversity while having been attempt rehab though it is nice to know the hospital could always sustain me drawing cats for them; i saw this as a good vantage point to attempt to connect to a more colorful felt world. Without Marten, Bloopy, Bon and the other names i had held with me; all in their each play would come to save me. Connecting a ever talking world with the blind, silence escaped only when my grandfather's eyes could talk, i wondered how the world taught itself, to whoever was listening by.