every day i wake up, do the same stuff. day in, day out. not once do i try to change things up. i get up, have my tea, go to work, get home, and do nothing. every single day.
sure, i get my daily exercise, but thats only because i have to since thats my commute to work. i don't do anything due to a lack of motivation. a reason. nothing. just for myself. it eats away at me the entire time. what happened to the me a decade ago when i would spend hours at my computer drawing as much as i can? do you remember that? i do. i remember that fondly. oh, how naïve i was back then. i have spent so much money on things i dont even want to use anymore. graphics tablets, rhythm game controllers, a fucking indoor bike to work out on, a computer that i barely play games on anymore.
nothing really brings me joy anymore. nothing at all. i get it, go "oh thats awesome" and put it away for the indefinite future. someone could use that and be happy, but i like the things i buy.
i wake up after yet another six hours of sleep that ive been getting for the past four years to my alarm, reminding me that i have to be out of bed in roughly 30 minutes otherwise i'll be rushing around to prepare for work.
i'm so tired. i go to bed with enough time to get a proper rest, but nope, i wake up once, twice, four times, even. not because i need to piss or anything, just because my body needed me to wake. i'm so tired.
i barely even socialise with people anymore. i never send them the first message, and that's genuinely on me. i've lost friendships, relationships, and just interest to talk to people because of it making me feel like i'll just be yet another burden upon people because of it. i used to be happy to talk to people. i could check my phone first thing after waking and get excited that someone would send me messages and hype about shit and here i am now, years later, my head full of thoughts that the daily experiences of those that talk to me would be genuinely better had i not bothered in the first place. its a spiral that's snuck up on me in the past few years and lately its been at my mind, clutching it tighter and tighter, ruining my thought processes. at times i would actually go on voice call and that would disappear temporarily. i end it and get back to what i was doing; nothing. there's plenty of groups that i used to be an active member in almost daily, but now? nothing. i dont even say anything unless directly poked.
i'd be happier jf i tried to get back into those geroups, but in all honesty i'd remain silent, knowing that wjhat i'dmcontribute to things would either be attention-seeking or jsut incorrect. so i just stay quiet, being that one person in the corner. obversbving,.
unrealted, i got a small book to write daily notes, like a diary. it sits on my desk, beckoning me to wiite4 in it for the day. the book is entirely empty. i got that book four weeks ago., the effort required to do anything is just nauseastingh and i thurts to think about. i write all thias, and it hurts. my head hurts. my stonmach hurts. my body =hurts. everyuighg hurts. im exhaursterd.


i'm so tired. im so tired. im so tired. of everything,. and i dont wanmt help. just leave me be