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More from Pepper Estrada
Just a rough draft, figure it might be a good idea to post at least WIP to get a few opinions. Upon doing some research to improve my writing skills I think I've improved but could still always use others perspective.
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 58.3 kB
Ooo. Hehe. ^!^ A fun start. But I have a lot of constructive criticism. I hope I don't come of as mean. >.< Just trying to help as asked.
Maybe her 1st line would work better after it's stated that she moves into the caves and vows revenge, and before the sentence of her discovering how to make the device.
The last paragraph on the 1st pages repeats that she's waiting for Nightmare Moon's return, and that she's journeying to Canterlot a lot. Try shortening it by just saying that she watched for signs of Nightmare Moon's return. Then when the day came, she grabbed her supplies, including her cloak, and traveled to Canterlot by train to prepare.
Wait. Why is she searching of information about Nightmare Moon is she already knew when she'd return?
The mysterious voice in intriguing. Though there's not need to tell us that it told Mystic to head towards Ponyville and then have the voice say it. Just having the voice say it is enough.
The tree of harmony? If the story is supposed to align with canon event, the tree didn't appear until season 4.
Not sure why the voice is telling Mystic to do what she already set out to do and absorb some magic, but ok.
Once again, the last 2 pages just have a bunch of information repeating both in lines and in narration.
There's a lot of good ideas here, and it's a good draft. ^!^ Just a lot of repeating. Also, a lot of just saying names over and over instead of using descriptors. Try stuff like:
Mystic sought to obtain the power of Nightmare Moon, and spent many long days researching as much as she could about her dark idol.
Maybe her 1st line would work better after it's stated that she moves into the caves and vows revenge, and before the sentence of her discovering how to make the device.
The last paragraph on the 1st pages repeats that she's waiting for Nightmare Moon's return, and that she's journeying to Canterlot a lot. Try shortening it by just saying that she watched for signs of Nightmare Moon's return. Then when the day came, she grabbed her supplies, including her cloak, and traveled to Canterlot by train to prepare.
Wait. Why is she searching of information about Nightmare Moon is she already knew when she'd return?
The mysterious voice in intriguing. Though there's not need to tell us that it told Mystic to head towards Ponyville and then have the voice say it. Just having the voice say it is enough.
The tree of harmony? If the story is supposed to align with canon event, the tree didn't appear until season 4.
Not sure why the voice is telling Mystic to do what she already set out to do and absorb some magic, but ok.
Once again, the last 2 pages just have a bunch of information repeating both in lines and in narration.
There's a lot of good ideas here, and it's a good draft. ^!^ Just a lot of repeating. Also, a lot of just saying names over and over instead of using descriptors. Try stuff like:
Mystic sought to obtain the power of Nightmare Moon, and spent many long days researching as much as she could about her dark idol.
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