Yup, exactly 15 years ago I made my FA account. God, I genuinely can't believe it's been that long. I remember when I first made this account, it was because I was on garrysmod.org (which was the official site to download addons before the Steam Workshop existed) and I saw a main menu background (because people used to upload those as mods) of two very attractive canine men. It was just called "furry bg" but there was a link to FA in the description and from there I was kinda hooked. For those curious, this was the exact pic I saw. I still remember. I didn't actually make furry art initially, if you happened to be there for the first one or two months you might remember I was drawing these weird little... I guess geometric(?) characters called Trak and Chell. It was something I came up with in like 8th grade and kept playing with until I was about 16. They were mostly in dumb little comics that barely even had punchlines and were usually some dumb in-joke or about whatever video game I was playing at the time. That's also where the username "trakmiro" comes from, that was Trak's full name.

It didn't take long before that changed, though. I came up with my first fursona at the tail end of 8th grade in 2010. He was an extremely basic red fox named Larry. I don't think I ever came up with a last name. I remember a couple other characters I had to interact with him too, there was a fat raccoon named Harry, a cat girl named Katrina (very original, I know), and a grumpy fennec fox named Aero. I'm sure I had scanned in some pencil/colored pencil drawings of him at some point, but it looks like I wiped them from my gallery years ago. I definitely don't have them anymore, but I remember I had him in that old Portal shirt because that was just my favorite shirt that I actually had. I also had the Half-Life 2 Deathmatch shirt Kira is wearing with the physics killicon.

Halfway through high school, I started to get a little bored with Larry. I was also in a couple of Skype groups that definitely were not age appropriate and it led me to create a new fursona that was meant to be a little sexier, which was what brought Eli into the world. I seem to have deleted a lot of older pics of him as well, but it's far more likely one or two people will remember his early iterations over anything I ever had of Larry, which means you'd know exactly the Pac-Man shirt I was talking about. I think there was a bit of time where there was some overlap and I was drawing him interacting with Larry, but I can't really be sure.

In 2014, I started college. I also started to really think about whether or not Eli really was a good representation of me, being a 7 foot tall extremely buff fox with long hair and an enormous... confidence. So I made the first iteration of Vic. It really didn't come through in, like, any of my uploaded art, but Vic's very first design actually had card suit icons on his limbs, which made the "Vegas" name make a lot more sense. Even though I dropped that almost right away, I just kinda liked the alliteration and kept the name anyway.

It's really funny that Vic was originally meant to represent me better than Eli, considering how much I completely lost control of his design over the years. He started very mundane, but it was honestly too mundane and I just never felt like drawing him. He was so boring. The first major change I made was the red and blue color palette. Then, I decided those colors were too harsh and brightened them up. Then he slowly became a little more muscular. Then, as I started to question my gender, he got a couple more feminine features. Then I added the visible seams on his limbs to really sell the modular kink. Then, finally, breasts. I think part of the reason I kept making him more and more overtly kinky was because I thought it would make him more popular, I realized some people in the little sub-niches I frequented were very into characters that presented very sexually, or their own sonas had an obvious and sometimes extreme kink as part of their core design and I was chasing that a bit. I wanted to be known for modularity in the same way someone might be known for crotch heads or conjoinment or dicknecks.

But it just made Vic... an uncomfortably weird character, honestly. Like, in the way that if you were on a bus and you saw an empty seat next to someone like him, you probably wouldn't take it. I've expressed this realization privately to a few friends and they agreed. There was far too much going on and all he ever seemed to do was pose nude. There was nothing there character-wise. He was kind of just a piece of fuckmeat to project kinks onto. Not only did I eventually realize that I actually don't necessarily want to be seen that way, especially after coming to terms with being ace, but I was also discovering some major things about myself and it seemed like the perfect time for another change. There was no way I could see to salvage Vic, but after one small experience that ended up being a little bit life-changing, I knew what to do.

On October 20th of last year, I was sitting on the couch with my boyfriend and scrolling through twitter. I had been identifying as genderfluid for about a year at that point. A post randomly drifted onto my timeline advertising a VRchat avatar called Murdoc the Rat V2. It had this cool-ass turntable gif of the character and I got curious, so despite not having a VR headset or playing VRchat, I clicked it. Maybe if things went the way I had hoped they would and I eventually got a VR set I'd download this guy and use him. He was kind of my type, a little grunge, a little punk, you know. On the itch.io page, there was a preview video showing the customization options the avatar had. I imagine for people who play a lot of VRchat, this is pretty standard showcase stuff for when you're previewing a premium model. I was just sitting there, watching the video, kind of taking in the sight of this hot rat guy posing and moving for the camera. I was kind of projecting myself onto him, wishing I could look that way. I had been a little unhappy with myself physically just in general for a few years.

All of a sudden, just 10 seconds in, the demo player turned on a slider and Murdoc grew breasts. They just stayed there for most of the video. I Immediately felt this, like, intense feeling like someone had just knocked the fucking wind out of me. I was breathing weird and I kind of went forward onto the floor. My boyfriend asked if I was alright and I just said "yeah just a minute" and ran to the bathroom. I didn't know if I was going to pass out or throw up or what, but after sort of sitting in the corner of the room and watching the video a couple more times, forcing myself to take some deep breaths, I was feeling a bit better. It was such a strong feeling, like a pull almost. It wasn't just "wow that character is so hot" or "man it was so sexy to see them get boobs" or something. This wasn't just kink, it was like this real longing. I felt in my heart, so strongly, a feeling of like "that's me in that video. I'm that. I want to be that person. I need to be that person." Genuinely, when I got up and looked in the mirror, it's like everything fell into place and I realized why I didn't like myself. I saw my face and for the first time it didn't feel like mine. I realized this wasn't what I was meant to be. I'm not male. Like, as I'm typing this, I can sort of feel my arms shaking and locking up and my chest getting a little heavy remembering how I felt. It's still intense to think about.

I spent the next 4 days extremely hard at work designing the character that would eventually become Kira. A new fursona to represent the new me. I did take a bit of inspiration from Murdoc in her design, but I felt it was important to sort of pay tribute to what awakened me. I still feel a little silly for having my egg crack from a VRchat avatar demo, but I guess nobody really gets to choose how it happens? When I made Kira, not only did I set out to do what I tried and failed to do with Vic and make someone to represent me, but I also wanted to create a character with a personality similar to mine and more to her than just being a vehicle for kink. I realized this while I was designing her outfit. Originally, I was going with clothes sort of similar to Murdoc, with the leather jacket and flannel pants and a beanie, but I stopped myself. Not only did I not want to just rip off Murdoc, but I realized I tried that already with Vic. You might remember that since his first iteration he had been wearing leather jackets, which was a lasting theme until the last couple years. While I'm attracted to the sort of punky tough aesthetic, it's not and has never been me. I can't pull that off. So I sat back down and tried to figure out what I would wear, how I would act, and reworked her around that.

Now I feel great about her, she's everything I am, and everything I want to be. She's got my body type, my nerves, my interests, my personality, and she's exactly the gender I want to eventually be. And don't worry, I will not make the same mistakes I made with Vic with her, if she goes through any sort of redesign it'll be because I changed as a person, I'm not going to be chasing trends or trying to make myself more popular by sexing her up. I'm honestly already overwhelmed at the positive response I've had since adopting her as my new sona, people seem to really love her. I've gotten actual fan art of her, I didn't think that was something that could, like, happen! I feel better since figuring myself out and being more authentic and I'm looking forward to eventually starting HRT so I can fully become her.

Thanks for the last 15 years, everyone. Here's to 15 more!

Posted using PostyBirb