Why did I view you as a nuisance? Annoyed at responsibilities, to have to take care of you. I know it's wrong to think this way, but I don't know what's caused my mind to default to this. Was I relieved when you passed? Why did I feel happier when you passed? I told myself I had simply numbed myself from my true emotions and they'd cascade at any moment in realization. Maybe this is true, the cascade hasn't happened yet, but I tear up looking at your photo. I was almost crying when I sat beside you and had to clean up your accident, had to wipe you down and clean you, worried you were going to die in front of me at any moment. Of course I feel emotions, but I don't feel enough until it's already over. I feel like stabbing myself because I deserve it.