i have been struggling a lot with age regression and internet discourse around it recently. less so about the discourse about age regression but moreso the way people describe age regression and how it works. i often notice there is a focus on the americanisms, the toys and iconography and "aesthetics" of childhood. the capital part of childhood, what can you buy to help your inner child, what can you consume to help your inner child. i often feel extremely lost in this, i am someone who regularly age regresses and it isn't a pretty sight. i do not become this mythical idea of a child, who is all sunshine and rainbows and likes cartoons and toys and bottles. i turn into who i was when i was a child. i turn into the mean, cynical, violent child i was when i was raised off the grid. i did not play with toys, i wasn't allowed. i did not watch tv, i wasn't allowed. my life until i was in my late teens was branded by a constant work life, i was either doing ballet shows and practice, or i was at home helping my parents run a chicken farm. i wasn't allowed most mainstream toys, i didn't have any legal documents, and from the age of five i was taking care of kids that weren't mine because i was the "oldest" and that was my role.

i notice age regression is typically made out to be a fantastical little break from reality. mine feels the opposite, instead of a break from reality i feel as if i am thrust back into mine. a reminder that i will not be and never will be a normal person, not because i'm age regressing, but because of what reminds me of childhood. i would dunk my stuffed animals in giant buckets of firewood ash, i spent a lot of time playing with gizzards or running around empty desert fields barefoot until i cut myself on some hidden piece of glass. so when i look for similar experiences age regressing i come up empty handed. i as an adult love toys, i love cute things, these are things i've associated with adulthood because i'm finally in a part of my life here i can buy whatever i want and what i want often times is toys. when i age regress i cannot help but feel the opposite. and that is not how people normally feel.

the whole situation really just reminds me of being a kid. i am once again too sexual, too creepy, too gross and too violent to "fit in" with the people i thought i fit in with.