A gift/commission I've made for a friend on Discord.

A human enrolled in the Guardian program fights an existential crisis.

1700 words


Essence of the Heart





„…can expect a rainfall in the evening that is projected to last until midnight. On the other side of…”

The weather forecast continued on the enormous screen in front of him. He didn’t care for it – he stopped caring about rain, snow, wind... quite a long time ago. He stopped because… why would he care?

Paul spent the last few years either in this very house or in the mech parked near the entrance. He was trapped. Constantly caged by restrictions and regulations of a society not meant for the likes of him. Not built for him. Not for people of his size.

It was cruel. Despite all the efforts, all adjustments, that one thing never changed. And for all his – now so very distant – optimism, he simply did not see a way out.

He suddenly felt what he was kind of, but not really waiting for – graceful, somewhat distant thumps heralding the arrival of his dear friend… his guardian…

And quite possibly, his owner.

The skyscraper-sized door opened, revealing a sleek, but clearly muscular frame. Mirki stepped inside, carrying a few droplets of water on his cloak inside. An instinctive shake got rid of most hitchhikers.

“I’m home!” the Falashai called out, hanging his hat and cloak near the entrance.

Paul didn’t respond, choosing to wallow in his own thoughts, intending to spare him the hassle. Mirki unloaded everything he carried on the kitchen counter – or at least Paul thought so, since he didn’t exactly see anything over the armrest...

“I’ve got those cookies you wanted… and some of that passata you’ve mentioned. Man, that is some good stuff, very glad I went for two bottles since uhh… o-one didn’t make it.” Mirki mumbled while placing groceries in the fridge, his every word dripping with guilt that would normally make Paul laugh.

This time, it didn’t even break through the first layer.

Mirki slammed shut the fridge, stretched a little and lazily strolled towards the couch.

“Oh, there you are little guy.” he smirked once his eyes finally found Paul “Lounging on the big boy couch? Don’t mind if I join then.”

With those words, Mirki literally crashed next to him, the impact sending a shockwave strong enough to force Paule to uncurl for a moment just to avoid falling over. He put his legs on the table and settled on the couch.

“Anything good today?” the Falashai asked and reached for the enormous remote, before beginning to flip through the channels “Boring… boring… trash… seen it… boring… wow, actual human comedy… Man with four daughters, each married to… this fucking sucks, we’re watching it.”

“Sure…” Paul sighed, not even bothering to look at the screen anymore.

His defeated whimper finally got Mirki’s attention. The fox looked at him for a few seconds – at first with curiosity, then with concern.

“Something’s the matter? Are you hurt?” he asked, now with clear anxiety, and leaned towards him to better examine his tiny frame.

“No… I’m fine…” Paul shook his head ever so slightly.

“You don’t look like ‘fine’. What happened?”

“Nothing happened. I’m just…” he paused, choosing not to burden his friend.

Mirki’s gaze hasn’t faltered though – it only intensified. But then, something in his expression changed. Suddenly, a huge, red tail appeared right in front of Paul.

The soft, fluffy fur nearly smothered him as Mirki playfully tapped him with it, leaving tiny droplets of water scattered across Paul’s face.

“Here. Play as you please… but don’t bite, you hear me?” the fox announced.

Paul raised his eyes with disbelief. Was he… serious? That… that was his idea for ‘cheering him up’? Giving him something to play with as if he was a toddler or a… pet?

The disrespect-fueled anger finally brought him over the edge.

“Get this thing from my face!” he yelled, pushing against it with frustration only magnified when it refused to budge.

“Woah woah!” the tail suddenly disappeared over the edge “What is going on, little guy?” he asked, turning off the TV and finally gracing him with his undivided attention.

“Nothing… Just leave me alone.” Paul mumbled, returning his head between his own knees.

“Like hell I’m gonna.” Mirki scoffed, turning to him completely.

Paul nodded with absolute defeat.

“Yeah… of course you’re not gonna…”

The giant cocked his head, his ears flicking slightly when his words translated.

“I don’t follow…”

Paul took possibly the deepest breath of his life.

“That is exactly the thing.” he finally snapped “You are not going to do what I asked… because why would you? I can’t force you, I can’t make you, I can’t…” he finally deflated “What is the point?”

“… That’s your issue? That you physically can’t ‘force’ me to do anything?” Mirki huffed “You think you’re alone? Do you know what would happen if I tried ‘forcing’ like, an Arkhatian to do something? I would end up on a wall as paint.”

Paul groaned with frustration.

“What’s the sudden fixation on ‘forcing’ others? You’re a villain or…”

“You don’t get it.” Paul cut him off “You will never get it.”

“Alright then.” Mirki pulled both his legs onto the couch, cross sitting on it “Try me.”

Clenching his jaw, Paul considered how to even begin voicing his frustrations in a way he would understand… He was famously quite bad at it.

“What do I accomplish?” he finally began.

“Right now, mostly confusion.” Mirki answered bluntly.

Paul took a shaky breath, trying to stay at least a little calm.

“The entire galaxy… It is filled with people who are bigger than me. Stronger than me. I can never compete with any of them. No matter how much I push myself… it’s just not possible. To a far, far greater degree than your… Arkhatian example.”

Mirki rolled his eyes and loudly exhaled, bathing Paul in his hot breath.

“Okay, so you’re small and can’t work the menial jobs. Is it really such a problem?”

“Part of it.” Paul nodded “Because it leaves me with the… more qualified jobs? Like, white collar, creative, technical…” he counted on his fingers “All things I’m bad at. Never got the smarts to excel at anything… Never even got to a good school… And even if, Union is advanced enough to make all our people struggle, not only the… likes of me.” he paused for a bit, letting his words sink-in “I can not compete. In any way, shape or form. Everything I could possibly do, a billion people will do better.” he spread out his arms “So I ask again – what is the point? What is the… point of me… existing…”

Silence reigned once that last word was uttered. A deafening quietness so absolute that he heard his own heartbeat… Or maybe Mirki’s heartbeat. Paul couldn’t tell, but even his heartbeat getting choked-out by the one of a giant seemed depressingly fitting for his tormented mind.

“Little one… Paul…” Mirki began, clearing his throat “Do you know how Falashai differ from other species in the Union?”

Paul looked up at him, suddenly realising that his vision was immensely blurry. There was no strength in him left to…

“The difference was that…” Mirki gently wiped tears from Paul’s face “… that my kind fought itself. We used to fight and kill among ourselves.”

“This isn’t unique. Jakhatians and Arkhatians also fought each other.” countered Paul.

“It is. Khatians fought each other. We fought among ourselves. To a degree comparable only to… your kind.”

Oh, fantastic. He opened his heart before him and was going to get a lecture about how barbaric and backwards humans were…

“Which is why I think…” Mirki paused, apparently reconsidering his words “My mom told me why we fought. And why we stopped.”

“Yes yes, you all realised how stupid you were and that working together was the better…”

“No.” Mirki cut him off “We fought, because we were convinced that we had to. That the best and strongest would prevail and the others would perish, forever forgotten. And so we all tried to be the one on the top.” he paused for a second and then wrapped his hand around Paul’s curled form, gently caressing his head with his thumb “We competed, because we were convinced that life was a competition… because someone… someone convinced us of it. That there were winners and losers.”

“Yes. That’s basically how it…”

“No.” Mirki shook his head “They convinced us of it, because it benefited them. Our conflicts fueled them - entrenched that mindset further and further… until almost nothing was left. And only then, on the brink of annihilation… we finally learned the truth.” he raised Paul’s chin ever so slightly to make sure he listened “Life is not a competition. Not a race. It is a gift. Something to be enjoyed. Celebrated and shared with the ones you love. And…” he hesitated “Yes, not everyone gets the same gift but… it’s not a reason to give up and… not enjoy it.” Mirki suddenly lifted him up, placing him securely in his palms “You don’t have to be the strongest, the smartest, the fastest or… anything you could imagine, really. You just have to be you. And that is more than enough.”

His words hit him so hard that Paul suddenly… lost all remnants of composure and broke down completely. Hugging his friend’s thumb as if it was a lifebuoy that dragged him out of the abyss…

And in a lot of ways, he was exactly that.

Mirki pressed him against his chest, snuggling him up into his thick, impossibly soft fur.

“Cherish it… And let me cherish you… It’s more than enough…” he whispered.

For the first time in a long, long time, Paul felt… good. Like he didn’t have to pretend anymore. Being nestled between the huge, padded palms and an enormous, fluffy chest didn’t spark thoughts of helplessness for a change. They sparked… love.

Mirki leaned back against the couch and started softly humming. Paul didn’t really hear that though. Because of the heart.

Beats of the giant, loving heart drowned out all other sounds once again… but this time… this time…

This time, Paul didn’t mind.





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