I'm transitioning... again?!

I've been extremely masculine since I was a kid. I had traditional femininity forced on me, but from day one, I rejected it as much as I was allowed to- and I wasn't allowed to much. But the point here is that my identity has always very firmly been masc of center. Never "male", but extremely butch.

So when my identity did a 180 (which it does often) in a direction that was COMPLETELY new to me, I had no idea what to do. Around the very end of 2024, I suddenly wanted to be goth (rather than the masc punk/streetwear vibe I had before), and I made an expensive impulse purchase of a long sleeved goth top and a handmade tattered scarf. It's one of my favorite outfits I own (it's pictured in the bottom right, along with the pair of custom patch jeans I'm planning to make).

But one androgynous outfit wasn't enough. I became more viscerally uncomfortable in my masc streetwear as 2025 came along and spring rolled in. I also became more uncomfortable in my relationships with men- they were gay relationships, but something still felt wrong about them (I'll get to that later). It was one of the most terrifying times in my life to be honest. I had no idea what to do, who I was, what I was becoming. People didn't believe me when I talked, because it was so different than how I talked before. And then I realized I wanted to buy a skirt and try goth makeup, something I have NEVER done prior to this year.

It begged the question- is this detransition? No, not at all. I'm transitioning *again*. For one, I'm staying on T, but it goes deeper than that. Because I was visibly nonconforming as a child, AND because I'd never felt like I belonged in the social class I was being raised in, I've always jokingly described myself as "assigned secret third thing at birth". Other kids know when you aren't one of their in-group, and I was more than fine with that. I spent my entire life transitioning toward masc presentation from that "third thing" neutral state, getting on T once I was about 21, finding a lot of euphoria in being masc and gay for everyone, and then... I suddenly wanted to try the other direction. I've cycled through many identities, the one I've developed this year is the very first more femme one.

I'm still very put off by traditional femininity and the expectations that come with it- I'm exclusively interested in edgy alternative femininity, so I've designed a few outfits that I'm working on getting. I already own about half of these pieces, and I'm reselling a lot of my old clothes and buying everything I want secondhand, because fuck fast fashion. Plus, a lot of these clothes are only in the $5-20 price range secondhand on Depop, it's kind of unbelievable.

Exploring goth femininity is distinctly transgender for me- I'm figuring this out for the very first time in my life. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what makeup products there are, or how womens' clothing sizes work, or how to find clothes that fit right- a lot of them don't fit on the shape that I am, I'm very broad shouldered with small hips and A cups lol. I awkwardly shuffle into the womens' section in stores and get odd glances from people like I'm not supposed to be there. I get dysphoria (something I rarely experience) over my chin hair, which is something I used to *want*! I've never been able to use either public restroom (or even walk the streets) without scrutinizing stares, but now it's getting worse. We can probably blame the current political climate for that as well. But a big part of my identity has *always* been being transgressive, being contrarian, existing outside the box. This is just a new way for me to do that.

I guess at this point I would describe myself as a transmasc woman, and nonbinary lesbian. Agender or genderqueer works too. It's still gay if you like me, no matter what *your* gender is. I'm not picky. And yeah I did say lesbian. That really shook things up. I had to end my relationships with men as I was coming to terms with that discovery, which has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I'd identified as a lesbian for 22 years prior to trying bisexuality, so in retrospect, I should've seen this coming. There were a lot of signs that being bi wasn't working out for me. But what can I really do except be who I am, whatever that is?