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Mustard took a deep breath, her phone held out in front of her. Steeling herself, she pressed the contact, and the phone dialed the number.

After two rings, he answered. "Well, slather me on fries! How long has it been since you last called, sis? Three weeks?"

"Hey, 'Chup. And, yeah, sorry about that; life's been pretty busy."

"Well, that's fine!" Ketchup shrugged. "So, has Kalos been everything you've ever dreamed of?"

"Eh, kinda," she replied nonchalantly. "I got a job as a stock boy at a decently big clothing store. Sure, a lot of people mistake me for a bug-type and avoid me, but hey, it puts food on the table!"

"Oh, geez, that sounds horrible," he dropped his persona for a second, becoming serious. "You just tell me who's been treating you and your kid bad, and I'll fly over there myself to kick some sense into them!"

"'Chup, I can handle myself!" Mustard chuckled at her older brother's protectiveness. "Besides, the friends I have made are already helping me on that front."

"Oh yeah? Who-" Ketchup was interrupted by the sound of his room's door opening.

A little Fomantis, no older than five, came tottering in. "Is that Auntie Mustawd?"

Mustard gasped. "Put me on speaker!" He did, and turned the phone towards his daughter. "Hiya, Relish! How have you been?"

"Gweat!" Relish beamed. "I can use Pwotect now!"

"Oh, wow! Did you learn that at school?"

They talked for several minutes, before Relish's mother called for her from the other room.

"I'm wooking fowwawd to ouw visit next summew!"

"I can't wait, either! And I know you'll just love your new cousin! Alrighty, I've gotta talk to your dad now. Bye, 'Elli!"

"Bye!" With that, she waddled back out of the room to find her mother.

"So," Ketchup began once the door closed, "did you call just to give me an update, or do you have another reason?"

"Actually, yes. I need your advice on something."

"I'm all ears."

"You see," she hesitated, "I think I'm... I've got this crush...."

"Oh? Finally found a man to replace that no-good, rotten, piece of scum Breloom that —"

"Calm down, Ketchup! I thought we agreed we weren't going to waste any more energy on him."

He drew in a deep inhale. "Right, sorry. So, who is he?"

".... actually, it's a 'she'."

Ketchup sat upright in his chair. "Oh-ho-ho! Finally taking a crack at playing for the other team, huh? I knew it was only a matter of time."

"What!?" Mustard nearly dropped the phone. "How did you-?"

He chuckled. "Don't think I didn't see that poster of Lilligant Donaldson you had in your room for eight years."

"It wasn't for her," Mustard denied. "I was only taking inspiration from her wardrobe!"

"You keep telling yourself that, but I saw the way you'd stare at it," he teased lightly. "So, who's the lucky lady?"

"Her name is Amber, and she's a geriatrician. She's smart, funny, compassionate, beautiful — I love almost everything about her!"

"Well, here's a tip: just say that to her instead of me, and—"

"But that's the problem, 'Chup. She's already dating someone — she's even pregnant with their kid!"

Ketchup inhaled sharply. "Yiiikes...."

"That's why I need your help! My heart feels like it could explode every time I see her, but she's already taken, and I don't know how open their relationship is!"

"Well, first of all, don't do anything too drastic without both of them present — if you only talk to one of them, the other will think you're both being sneaky."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Just wanted to make sure." He thought for a moment. "Hmmm... Maybe you could try and subtly ask how open they are?"

"How would I do that?"

"Perhaps you could take them somewhere that the topic will naturally come up, like a movie about a love triangle, or a restaurant that's popular with couples."

"Well, maybe, but I don't-" Mustard paused as an idea jumped into her head. "Actually, I think I know just the place...."

There was a pause, before Ketchup bluntly stated, "If it's a gay bar, then no — just, no...."

Mustard snapped, "Dammit!" She pouted for a moment as he laughed, before she had another, even better idea.

---

Happy Lurantis Day, everyone! To celebrate, here's the longest part of the Mustard story yet!

And introducing two new characters: Ketchup, and his daughter Relish! Ketchup is a programmer who lives on Route 6 of Alola's Akala Island, enjoys Homestuck, and will do anything to help out his little sister.