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Doodle in disguise of an excuse to vent
Hitting burnout is something I always expect after a creative hyperfocus but it feels harder after each and every one, especially when I have little to show for it.
Over a decade ago my music gained a popularity I never could have expected, I was part of a community I felt so comfortable in, I was outgoing and didn't care about any kind of judgement. Somewhere along the lines I started becoming self aware that I'm autistic as hell, I hated how I presented myself, I hated my image, I hated how childish and cheesy my music was, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to make music that could be taken seriously.
10 years of frustration later I have hundreds of unfinished works I just never feel will live up that kind of popularity. It was fandom music and a lot of it's popularity was driven by that, but I just can't bring myself to make fandom music anymore.
I went so hard down the path of creation that I gave up any kind of social life, now I struggle to connect with anyone, my fear of judgement makes conversation just a mess of me overthinking everything I say (if I can even think of anything to say to begin with), and all that thinking drains me so fast that I rarely have the energy to try. I'm in a constant state of stress because I'm ignoring people that I really want to engage more with.
Things will pick up, they always do after a crash like this, just needed to let a little water out before it bursts
Hitting burnout is something I always expect after a creative hyperfocus but it feels harder after each and every one, especially when I have little to show for it.
Over a decade ago my music gained a popularity I never could have expected, I was part of a community I felt so comfortable in, I was outgoing and didn't care about any kind of judgement. Somewhere along the lines I started becoming self aware that I'm autistic as hell, I hated how I presented myself, I hated my image, I hated how childish and cheesy my music was, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to make music that could be taken seriously.
10 years of frustration later I have hundreds of unfinished works I just never feel will live up that kind of popularity. It was fandom music and a lot of it's popularity was driven by that, but I just can't bring myself to make fandom music anymore.
I went so hard down the path of creation that I gave up any kind of social life, now I struggle to connect with anyone, my fear of judgement makes conversation just a mess of me overthinking everything I say (if I can even think of anything to say to begin with), and all that thinking drains me so fast that I rarely have the energy to try. I'm in a constant state of stress because I'm ignoring people that I really want to engage more with.
Things will pick up, they always do after a crash like this, just needed to let a little water out before it bursts
Category Music / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 1.43 MB
i feel you. i' have so many doodles and scraps of music stacked up that haven't really gone anywhere or developed into full pieces.
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it's hard to hate your own music, especially when it's like. a form of expressing the self and you get upset when you don't like the self that's been expressed?? if that makes sense. but honestly, it's difficult for anyone to take someone seriously more than you could take yourself seriously. the honesty and the directness of putting ones self out there in a creative form always comes with the friction of an imperfect interpretation. a missalignment of sending and receiving expression.
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fandom music is interesting. it's become a completely different beast in the last couple decades. popularity and fandom are similar but one is a temporary high and the other has the capacity to be an everlasting enjoyment. people still keep finding great works of art and entertainment and join fandoms dispite the original works no longer continuing. like star trek, animorphs, various anime series, music groups, book series, movies... if a work is still readable and watchable, new generations will ultimately discover it and there will be people among them who become attached and appreciate it.
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social life is important, and it takes effort to keep up a constant and regular force of social connection. it can suck when there's so much work to do! it really can! but often, just showing up to things helps. it can take repeated visits, over months and years, but it does pay off. people remember those around them. even if we are all not the best at showing or reaching out. i have many people i do not talk to and havent seen in years that i still think fondly about and wish i could go be with. being stuck in work and missing out on being with people takes a toll.
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the best part about being social is: you can always try again and keep going. you can also always try new things, conversation points, expressions, etc. it's legal to be a new person every day!
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i wish you well and hope that you can both get more of your music out and find more time to socialize with the people you miss.
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it's hard to hate your own music, especially when it's like. a form of expressing the self and you get upset when you don't like the self that's been expressed?? if that makes sense. but honestly, it's difficult for anyone to take someone seriously more than you could take yourself seriously. the honesty and the directness of putting ones self out there in a creative form always comes with the friction of an imperfect interpretation. a missalignment of sending and receiving expression.
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fandom music is interesting. it's become a completely different beast in the last couple decades. popularity and fandom are similar but one is a temporary high and the other has the capacity to be an everlasting enjoyment. people still keep finding great works of art and entertainment and join fandoms dispite the original works no longer continuing. like star trek, animorphs, various anime series, music groups, book series, movies... if a work is still readable and watchable, new generations will ultimately discover it and there will be people among them who become attached and appreciate it.
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social life is important, and it takes effort to keep up a constant and regular force of social connection. it can suck when there's so much work to do! it really can! but often, just showing up to things helps. it can take repeated visits, over months and years, but it does pay off. people remember those around them. even if we are all not the best at showing or reaching out. i have many people i do not talk to and havent seen in years that i still think fondly about and wish i could go be with. being stuck in work and missing out on being with people takes a toll.
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the best part about being social is: you can always try again and keep going. you can also always try new things, conversation points, expressions, etc. it's legal to be a new person every day!
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i wish you well and hope that you can both get more of your music out and find more time to socialize with the people you miss.
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