This is just a random little stand up script of sorts. Not much to say other than enjoy my rather crappy funny stories. An I lied, its not being marked mature.
After I had writen this, I though the title more suited to a Rom-Com where a woman throws out all her old clothes, falls in love with a guy, the finds a pair of trousers he was going to thro out and they fit her perfectly.
Here is the file for those that cant download and view it.
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1. Optimistic Trousers

This is something which I don't think anyone else has done, maybe comedians writing an autobiography, might include a few jokes, like which went over the best, and which utterly bombed. Anyway, optimistic trousers. The reason I have chosen this title, is I don't know if this will be any good, if anyone reads it and likes it, so I am optimistic that it will go over well with you the reader. Optimistic Trousers is a title which serves as a metaphor of sorts, it's that pair of trousers found in the back of your wardrobe which you haven't worn for years, you don't even remember buying or wearing them before, they are clearly two sizes too small, yet you still try them on, and are shockingly disappointed when they don't fit. This is just a test to see if this style of pseudo-stand up that I can't interact with you other than you reading this. I can't ask questions then play off them. So this will probably only be about a page, maybe two pages long at a stretch. It'll be a combination of story-styled jokes and one liners.

2. All jokes will be numbered.

The text in between numbered lines won't be tied to the number, or maybe it will. I will draw off of people I know, situations I've been in, and off other comedians, A genius borrows, a fool plagiarises. But that's the thing, it's an homage if they like it, but its plagiarism if they don't like it.

I shall start with a story-styled joke about YouTube.

3. That numbers thing is all bollocks. Also, this one is the magic number.

And this is marked mature for more adult jokes and language. But YouTube, I love it, I love how I can watch a person fall off a treadmill, then follow that up with learning a skill like origami, how to be a manualist, how to play a simplified version of a crazy Swedish song. I didn't do those in that order, I learnt origami, the first thing I learnt how to make was a crane, the bird not the mechanism. Then I said "I have never used my brain so much in ten minutes than I have now." Then I watched treadmill fails. But I love the "Sponsored Link" at the top of the list of videos beside the one you are watching. One which perplexed me more than a logical paradox was "THE VERY BEST SPORTS FAILS – BLOOPERS" The reason this confuses me is, is it bloopers of fails, so successes? Or is it the fails that didn't make it into the video? Or was it just using both words to emphasise like how in the Irish Language we use two words which mean the same thing for emphasis. Or just so that people who don't understand the word bloopers so they put fails in as well. Admittedly so far Schindler's List is probably funnier.
YouTube is also great for anyone who illegally records comedians and uploads the show, or rips the show from the DVD and uploads that. But I was watching Ross Noble and he talked about "Mongers" like fish mongers or, as a brilliant audience member shouted, "Whore monger" being a fancy name for a pimp. I was waiting for people who sell Hughs. Hughmongers! I love puns, but I won't make that age old joke, "They're very punny"

My room looks like a bomb went off, which is actually offensive to anywhere where a bomb actually did go off, but I can't tidy it because my tidying method is me picking up a box, sorting through it, playing with everything in it, then throwing more crap into the box before I put it back under my bed. Aside from that, I stack stuff up on my bed, then leave the room for 4 hours and when it comes time to sleep I take it all off my bed and put it anywhere I can see floor. I love when I find things I thought I lost, or things like the Optimistic Trousers. But finding things like Butt-Ugly Martians bedcovers, underneath my Bionicle bedspreads and my brothers Mighty Morphin Power Rangers bedcovers. One thing I love about changing bed clothes is climbing inside the quilt cover and standing with my arms out in a Y shape and pretend to be a David Attenborough typed guy sneaking up on a wild animal disguised as one of their own.

I love listening to the stupid things people in school come out with. Like this one guy that's in my English, French, Geography, and I think he's in my RE class, but he'll zone out for five minutes then whatever the last word was said by the teachers, he'll come out with a back-arsed fact about it. Like a fact about bananas having to be a certain angle otherwise they can't be sold. Or farms are mentioned, "Sir did you hear that McDonalds beef burgers aren't actually beef" Or he'll tell us a fact that he was only half listening to when he was told it much like how he is half listening to what the teacher is saying when he tells it back.

Or the girl who sat beside me one geography class that coloured in a page of her textbook then went to the toilet at the break of class, it was a double class, two 40 minute class periods, so our teacher lets us have a break in the middle. Anyway, she came back to class and wondered why a photo of a river was blue in her book and not in mine. Same girl, and the same guy both on different occasions mentioned what I want to do when I leave school. She asked me what I want to do, I replied with "Video Game Designer" to which she questioned me again, "What's that?" The guy on the other hand, months later during the school walk, asked me the same question, what do you want to do, I answered, he said "I see" then when I asked him he said he wants to go into Computer Science, I genuinely didn't, and still am unsure about it, but I asked what that is, to which I got the answer "I don't know." I know, it's like what I said to the girl when she asked what a games designer was, "It's sorta in the title" Back in time now to the day she asked me that, which was during Careers Guidance, which is short for "40 minutes of a teacher who doesn't care unless you want to be a doctor." Seriously, "Oh? Games Design? No no you want to be a neurosurgeon" Piss off telling me what I want! Remind me in a while to talk about the DATs. I know you can't actually do that but still. Anyway the girl, not wanting to be rude, I asked her what she wanted to do, and I think the answer was Nursing… if you can and are reading this, and value your life, don't get sick or injured any time in the future.

Yes, the DATs, the Irish equivalent of the SATs, not Standard-Aised Tests, it means Scholastic Aptitude Test, tells you what you're best suited to. Differential Aptitude Test does the same thing, you get an answer sheet, and a test book, from the B.C. period, as it was printed on papyrus. But you have 5 minutes to pick the next in a series of patterns. But here's the thing, you have 10 minutes for another test, then 2 minutes each for 2 Clerical Speed and Accuracy Test. Each question of these tests, the answer book as 5 variations of numbers and letters, upper and lower case and even letters which look similar at a glance. The question book has the one correct answer and there are about 200 of these in total. I got about 30 in the first, and 45 in the second. After each test we got a about 2-5 minutes break. During these, the nearly everyone, would go back and fill in the ones they missed! Like one guy that sat near me was going back and filling in the ones he missed in the Clerical Speed/Accuracy tests, so he and everyone else that filled in the sheet after the time was up will get a false reading, so Student X who did this filling in after the allotted time will be told he's best suited to Undertaking, when he wants to be an Actor. Actually thinking about it this is more like a Blog/Rant than the comedic ramblings I'd hoped it to be.

My dad is a great guy. Intelligent, can name every Green Lantern from Hal Jordan to that other guy, can tell you the entire history of Wolverine. But he is the only man I know that can fall asleep mid-sentence. On holiday in Florida, in Disney's Polynesian Hotel, the was at the end of the first week and my mum was down in the Laundromat typed thing, washing our clothes, staying there until the end of the wash and the time in the tumble drier, mostly due to the first time in Florida a woman had emptied out washing machine during the rinse so that she wouldn't have to pay to use it! But anyway, my dad, the room had two double beds and a couch bed. My dad was lying on the bed nearest the window, my sister and I sat on the other bed and looked through what we had bought while we played Guitar Hero: On Tour on my DS, while we watched some random sitcom on TV. MY dad said "Kids, don't tell your mother if…*snore*"

4. I have run out of things to say.

GAME, and similar stores, like GameStop, HMV, and those kinds of shops, you can go in and the workers are genuinely interested, it's not like going in to work in PC World/Currys and don't know a VDU from a monitor. But in GAME or GameStop, you can hear the staff speaking about a game, and a specific level that isn't in the trailers, and you're barely in the door and there's a worker already asking if you need a hand. In HMV however they only care about CDs and DVDs. I traded in a standard edition Alan Wake for a Collector's edition in a HMV store, had I done this in GAME they would say "Ah yeah I see where you're coming from" in HMV, "You want to trade that in for this?"

Who the hell reads through enough comments on a YouTube video to reply to the comment left by me 8 months ago? And it's not like it was a video that gets one comment a year and this user happened to see it then reply, but this video 71 comments left over the 9 month period it's been up on the internet.

5. Comes after four.

I am going back in time, back to first year of secondary school, on a Monday, we'd have a science class, it was physics, with one female teacher, then we'd have a different female teacher for Biology and Chemistry during the rest of the week. This one Monday, we were doing an experiment on the expansion of solids when heated. A metal ball and a metal ring, when cool, the ball fits through the ring, when the ball is heated, it doesn't. We used a Bunsen burner to heat it, and used gas from the gas tap. The gentle man behind me, not the guy from earlier, but this guy, after the experiment but before the teacher turned the gas off, "Miss, there's a funny noise coming out of the gas tap!" The gas tap hissed, and our teacher freaked out, "That's because there's gas coming out of it!" and all said male student could say, "Oh." "TURN IT OFF!!!" then he turned it off after the three headed dragon told him about his quest to save the princess from the evil gremlin.

6. The last number was false.

Well 3 Microsoft Word pages of sized 11 Calibri (Body) and here we are, the end of my hopefully funny rant styled thing of what you just read. I must admit I lied about the one-liners, but I shall tell you the only reason I left out about the choice of the title. I found a pair of 5 year old pair of trousers, which I did try on…. I got them on, but I couldn't close them, and the thighs were very tight. Well thank you all. See you all soon, depending on how you all react to this.

7. The end.