Originally posted on DA: 31 December 2015


There goes another year.... this one seemed shorter than ever. Feels like I cannot even remember half of it. And no, I didn't drink it through.

So it started with me quitting a job I had for a very short time yet disliked quite a lot, for several reasons. However, it boosted my slightly declining inspiration and for a time after I quit I enjoyed being free again and felt like doing nothing else but drawing, drawing, drawing. Thought I'd make a living out of that, I was even determined to do it and thus retain my freedom. However, you cannot have freedom, you can merely exchange one kind of slavery for another. But for a while I was really into the idea of it, especially of tattoo designs. I always enjoyed doing them. Unfortunately, making a living out of art makes you rather reluctant to do it for free for anyone except for yourself. It makes you start.... measuring art in money.... measuring drawing in money.... measuring creation in money. Which, as I now look back at it, I really, really hate. I hate I turned into that, even if temporarily. So for this reason I am even glad I dropped this plan, for now, even if it could have worked. I feel freer. Of course, I don't draw so much anymore either....
Speaking of which, back in July I drew something (besides the red dragon in the little July square here, my best dragon for a long while now), I drew a picture which, it seems, turned my mind upside down. I still cannot recover after it, and on the other hand it still hasn't lost its power over me (may it never lose it). Anyway, what you see here for the period August - December is almost everything I've drawn during all this time. Mere few pictures. Some of them were good and even inspired, but the spark which gave birth to them died very quickly. On the whole, it has been dead ever since July. Yes, I am still in a crisis. I don't feel like drawing, I don't feel the need to do it anymore, nor do I feel joy in the rare cases when I draw. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. Drawing is dead for me, in a way. I still have a couple of things which have been commissioned to me for a while now and I'll struggle until I finish them.... but that will be it. Then maybe I'll go on, maybe I won't, I don't know. Maybe when there's no more commitments left to put pressure on me I'll feel like doodling my own stuff again. Which is better than nothing. Commissions, however, are out of the question, at least for a long time to come. Not that I ever had many of those, but that's a whole another story.

And so, I'm writing this at the very end of the year. I feel wistful and nostalgic.... A lot of things changed for me in 2015. A lot of things changed IN me in 2015. In many ways, I believe the change has been good. It's a pity art has to pay the price for it, but then again maybe it's worth it. It was part of the process, a step along the path. A path I'm determined to keep walking.
I just want you to know, my friends, I haven't given up. I haven't given up on drawing, in spite of all. But I won't push myself into it. This is not how it's supposed to be. Maybe one day it will come back to me, and I'll happily welcome it.


For now, have a good night with friends and Metal, and Happy New Numbers!
Love you, my friends, now and always. This is Lapis, signing out of 2015.


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