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Chapter Twenty Two

“BABABAWAAAAAA!”

I sighed and kicked myself. Henry, you deep fried pooper scooper…

Silence fell over the theater, and I squeezed my eyes shut and slowly turned around, my usually less-than-accurate sixth sense telling me I wasn’t going to like what I saw. But as tempting as it was to just stand here with my eyes closed for the rest of my life, I had a job to do.

I opened my eyes. The drive-in’s screen stood about three hundred feet away, still flickering with light as the movie was projected onto it. Gastontonio had finally been forced into a shirt, even if it was a dozen sizes too small. Debralilah stood across the aisle from him, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks. Hans Quadruplebottom’s prodigious lower half protruded from a toilet that had been procured just so that Gastontonio could give him the swirly he rightfully deserved. Gastontonio’s martian sidekick and adopted son, Jimbloo, was playing Here Comes the Bride on the church organ. And there, to officiate the wedding…

Was the maiam.

“Oh, broccoli parfait,” I whispered.

“JAJABAWAWAJABA!” it babble-roared, showering the happy couple with sticky black spit.

It was huge—at least fifty times bigger than it had been a few seconds ago! It barely fit inside the church, its head and cheeks dragging along the walls and ceiling. The image might have been funny, like watching a kraken invade a kid’s school diorama, if I wasn’t so busy trying to figure out how I was going to get inside a freaking movie to kill it now.

“Oh my!” Debralilah gasped, swooning into Gastontonio’s arms. “Are…Are you Father Franklestone?”

“Ztand back, my love!” Gastontonio declared, shoving her out of the way so hard that she capsized the nearest pew. “Zat is no pwiest! Zat is a Schporktenvaaler from the Bwyuki Nebula!”

“WABAJABABABABA!” the maiam babbled.

“How dawe you intewwupt my vedding, foul cweature?” Gastontonio demanded. Puffing up his chest, he exploded out of the shirt he had spent the last fifteen minutes stuffing his muscles into. “Bizepsloser haufen ohrenschmalz! You shall feel ze zting of my—”

The maiam snatched Gastontonio in its jaws and swallowed him whole—abs, pecks, biceps, and all.

“Is this an alternate ending or something?” I heard somebody nearby ask.

“I don’t know, but it’s way better than the original!”

Debralilah screamed in horror as the maiam grabbed the fifty foot long train of her wedding dress and began to slurp her up like a piece of spaghetti.

“I’LL BE WITH YOU AGAIN SOON, MY LOOOOOOOOO—” she screamed as she, too, vanished into the monster’s mouth.

Jimbloo began to play a funeral dirge.

“Hey!” I yelled at the screen. “You leave that beautiful man alone!”

The maiam paused, and then locked eyes with me through the screen. I glared back at it, completely unafraid. What did it think it was going to do to me? It was stuck in there, and I was out…

The maiam rushed toward the screen—and climbed out into the real world.

“Oh, cucumber fritters,” I whispered as the maiam—now easily the biggest one I had ever faced—came rampaging across the theater toward me.

All around me, the audience was finally starting to realize that this wasn’t part of the movie. Engines roared to life, and the parking lot quickly became a giant bumper car arena as everyone did their best to be the first ones out. Even Chad and Lara’s parents somehow managed to get their minivan chugging again, and beat a not-so-hasty retreat.

You are in soooo much trouble, the annoyingly logical voice in my brain sneered at me.

“WABBAJAAAAAAAA!” the maiam roared, raising one of its massive tentacles. I dove out of the way just as it came back down, striking with enough force that I could feel the ground shake as I rolled back to my feet. Fortunately, its attention was firmly on me, which was good because at that size it could have swallowed an entire car whole, and its occupants right along with it.

Unfortunately, that meant the thing that could eat a car was trying to eat me instead.

“All right, gang,” I said, reaching for my toys. “I’m gonna need your help for this one.”

Out came Spazzy Basil, and I affixed him to Splatsy, turning her into Splatzztsy. Globber went around my left wrist. Prinkle and Prunkle stayed on my belt for now, charged up and ready to be fired at a moment’s notice. And with that, I was as ready as I was ever going to be. Whirling Globber around to build up momentum, I faced off against the giant kraken maiam.

Kraiamken? Sure, let’s go with that.

The kraiamken surged toward me, and I whipped my arm forward, sending Globber streaking through the night. He globbed onto a streetlight above the kraiamken’s head, and for a moment the wind roared in my ears as I was yanked after it. I waited until I was right above the kraiamken, then un-globbed Globber and took Splatzztsy in both hands. Down I came, swinging as hard as I could, and scored a hit directly on top of its stupid ugly head. Lightning flashed everywhere as Spazzy Basil released his payload directly into the kraiamken’s skull, and…

Nothing happened.

“JABAJABAWABAJA!” it roared, spinning around and smacking me out of the air with one of its tentacles.

Huh. That was weird, I thought as I went flying across the parking lot. That much electricity should have been able to fry a whale. Maybe I just hadn't—

I hit the ground, and was promptly reintroduced to my oldest and most loyal friend: pain. I pushed it aside the way McGus had taught me, though, and sprang back to my feet. Pouring magic into Spazzy Basil again, I charged across the theater to give it another go. That first time had to have just been a fluke. This time, I thought, I would fry the kraiamken and then serve it to Opisthia like calamari.

By now, the theater was empty enough that I didn't need to worry about putting anyone else in danger. Exactly the way I liked it—and I didn't even have to light the place on fire this time! I could see Fatty and Opisthia standing on the far end of the parking lot, watching and waiting patiently as I went about my work. A chill went down my spine. I remembered my dad saying something about how everyone at his work would get all tense and nervous whenever the corporate bigwigs stopped by to check on them. I finally understood what he meant by that.

The kraiamken whirled around as I rushed toward it, raising its tentacles like a swarm of cobras poised to strike. I gritted my teeth, body poised to react in the blink of—one tentacle shot forward, and I juked sharply to the left. The thick slimy limb shot past me hard enough to blow my hair back, but I didn't stop. My eyes were locked on the kraiamken’s big, black, bulbous nose. Another tentacle came for me, and I jumped over it, only for another one to lash out while I was still in midair. I swung Splatzztsy. She didn't hit anything, but I was able to use her weight to flip myself around, narrowly avoiding the second tentacle. I hit the ground and, judging myself to be close enough, charged my shoes with magic and launched myself toward the kraiamken's face. I drew Splatzztsy back and swung her again, delivering as solid a hit as I had ever made straight into the kraiamken's schnoz. Spazzy Basil crackled like a toaster in a bathtub, releasing every volt he had saved up directly into its target.

And, just like before, it didn't even flinch.

“Oh, what the cream of celery soup?” I yelled in outrage. “That's not how this works, you meatloaf and ranch dressing cheater!”

“BAWABAJAAA!” it roared in disagreement—and then one of its tentacles hit me from behind, pushing me right into its open mouth.

“NOT COOL!” I yelled as its jaws slammed shut behind me.

It was dark in there, it was slimy, and it smelled like what a sewer would throw up if it caught a stomach virus. I tried to stand, but whatever was beneath my feet was so wet that they slid out from under me, and I fell back down and got a disgusting facefull of maiam…something.

“Who's there?” someone asked from nearby. I turned to look, but it was too dark to see who was talking. “Are you here to rescue us?”

“Debwalilah, my brontosaure en sous-vêtements roses,” said another, deeper voice, “can you not zee zat ve do not need wescuing? As long as ve have each other, zen ve can live happily ever after in zis monster's ztomach!”

“Oh, Gastontonio!”

“Oh, Debwalilah!”

“Oh, whoopee cushion in the sky, I think I'm gonna be sick!” I yelled as the unmistakable sound of making out started to come from nearby. “LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

In desperation, I drew Prinkle and Prunkle and fired them both at where I thought the kraiamken's mouth was. Its insides suddenly lit up with bright blue light as the spring snakes ricocheted up and down, left and right, nearly hitting me about a dozen times but leaving no noticeable mark on the kraiamken. Still, the feeling of something bouncing around inside it like that seemed to confuse it.

“BAWAJA?” it babbled—and the moment its mouth opened, I flung my arm forward, sending Globber whipping through the air. He globbed onto something I couldn't see, and in a flash I was yoinked out of the monster's mouth. I couldn't help but laugh with relief when the blessedly fresh, car exhaust-scented air filled my lungs. It was so sweet compared to the nasal nightmare of the kraiamken's innards that I nearly let myself slam face first into Globber’s anchor. Instead, using my incredible Hunter's reflexes, I was able to un-glob Globber and go rolling and sliding across the parking lot until I crashed into whatever it was he'd been pulling me toward.

Exactly as planned.

The kraiamken roared angrily, and I could hear its tentacles WHAP-WHAP-WHAPing against the concrete as it came for me again. Groaning, I rolled over and pushed myself upright. A quick glance around showed me that I was at the very back of the drive-in. In fact, it had been the projection booth that I'd just crashed into.

That's weird, I thought, looking at the oncoming mass of teeth and tentacles. What's got a bee in his britches all of a sudden?

The maiam had been pretty cheesed off since I first interrupted its prowling, but now it looked downright murderous. Well, murderouser. But why? The only thing back here was the projection booth, and why would a maiam care about…

Oh. I'm an idiot.

Without giving myself time to think, I grabbed Splatzztsy and swung her as hard as I could. The projection booth was a small hut standing about fifteen feet above the ground on four wooden supports. Splatzztsy took out one of those supports in one hit, and the entire structure swayed…

And then began to fall.

“Timberrrrr!” I yelled dashing out of the way.

The booth hit the ground and shattered with a loud and satisfying CRASH! Spinning around, I saw the kraiamken suddenly jerk to the side as if it'd been hit by a god-sized tennis racket. It carved a trench straight through the parking lot’s asphalt as it skidded to a halt, and I punched the air.

“Yes!” I yelled. “I am a genius!”

But this genius’ work wasn't done yet, I realized as the kraiamken scrambled back to its tentacles. Babbling furiously, it charged at me again. Against my better judgement, I turned my back on it and began digging through the rubble. Everything suddenly made sense. How it had gotten so big. Why I wasn't able to hurt it. I knew how to beat it now, and wailing on it with Splatzztsy wasn't going to get me anywhere. If I wanted to end this without spending eternity with Gastontonio and Debralilah in their new love shack, I needed…

A beam of light pierced the night, coming from beneath a small pile of rubble.

That!

Grabbing the wreckage and heaving with all my might, I cast it aside. And there, beneath it, sat the movie projector. It was practically an antique, but it was still chugging stubbornly along. And sure enough, when I followed its beam of light with my eyes, it ended at the kraiamken—which was almost right on top of me!

“WABAJABJABJABWABAAAAA!” it roared, its tentacles shaking the ground as it thundered toward me.

“And,” I said, raising Splatzztsy, “CUT!”

Did you like that? I thought it was pretty clever.

I brought Splatzztsy down, crushing the projector like a cereal box. The kraiamken shrieked in rage as the beam of light was extinguished—and then, just like that, it vanished. Black, inky blood seeped out from underneath Splatzztsy, already dissolving into nothingness before my eyes.

I sighed in relief, leaning on Splatzztsy for support and fishing out my inhaler. A couple puffs later, my wounds began to heal, and I sighed again in a different kind of relief.

“That,” I whispered to myself, “sucked.”

My ears caught the sound of footsteps, and I turned to see Fatty walking up with Opisthia on the end of his arm. I took a quick look around at all the destruction I had caused—the theater was completely wrecked—and braced myself for a scolding even more painful than the beating I'd just taken.

“Well done, Rider of Henries!” the puppet declared. “Congratulations on a grand and well-earned victory!”

“I'm sorry,” I said, looking down at the ground. “I didn't mean to…”

Wait, what?

I looked back up at him in confusion. “You…You're not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you?” he asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

“Because…Because…” I looked around at all the destruction I had caused again.

“Well, I would be lying if I said it was a perfect hunt,” Opisthia admitted. “The Brotherhood is going to have its hands full doing repairs and wiping memories. But nobody died, and in the end that's all that matters.”

I stared at the puppet, my head spinning. This wasn't real. No way was this actually happening. The way this worked was, I would go on a hunt, I would kill the maiam, and then either McGus or the Council of Shnoob would yell at me for being a Double Screwup Wombo Combo with a side of Failure Fries. Being congratulated on a job well done…this was…it felt like…

Before I could make sense of the emotional storm brewing inside me, a high pitched ringing pierced the night. I jumped in surprise, looking around for where it was coming from, only for Fatty to pull a phone out of the pocket of his robe.

It was one of those old fashioned—like super old fashioned—two piece phones with that cone-shaped doodad you held up against your ear while you talked into the stick-shaped thingamajig. It rang again, its cable trailing back into the pocket it had been pulled from. Having nowhere to put it, Fatty raised one knee, balancing surprisingly well on his other leg, and set the phone down on it. Then, he lowered Opisthia down to it while holding the earpiece up to the puppet's head with his other hand.

“This is Opisthia,” the puppet said.

A faint babbling came from the phone, and somehow I got the impression that Opisthia’s expression was turning more and more solemn by the second.

“I see,” he finally said. “I'll be back in a moment. Keep him locked up until I get there.”

My ears perked up at that.

“Keep who locked up?” I asked as Fatty hung up the phone and returned it to his pocket.

“I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to return us to Jah Beryge immediately,” Opisthia said, all of the approval gone from his voice. “Something has happened…”

He paused, glancing at Fatty and then back at me.

“Something that involves your friend.”


NEXT CHAPTER 12/10/25