tl;dr
i was reminded of past obsessions by recent experiences
im doing ok, just some imagery i conjured up i thought would be interesting

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back in 2021 things weren't going super great in my relationship
i believe that for certain people whenever life becomes too much to bear, there is a tendency to fantasize and cope with escapsim

For whatever reason i began to really obsess over someone online to an unhealthy degree, making up imaginary scenarios in my head where i would somehow finance myself a trip to visit them, all of my problems would be gone when we met, and we would make things work, i would finally find a place where i really belonged

nothing came of it, and i was eventually made to let go of that, which felt unpleasant
the fixation remained for some time, but once things improved in my relationship, it slowly faded away

this year i've had a very similar experience, but in a form i believe is more measured and with healthy boundaries, where my mind becomes fixated on a person i really like, and i can't stop thinking about them

the similairty was difficult to miss, and it reminded me of that time when i was having these fantasies about the previous individual. In a way it vaguely scratched at an old wound

to me given the similitude between these two people, it felt like the kinship with this new person served as a foil to my previous experience, a sort of cure.

but as i've thought about it, i can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me.
Why does this keep happening? i know there are much worse cases of things like stalking and people becoming obsessive over celebirites.
i've never had any sort of affinity for fandoms or being fixated on a celebrity in my life, which is why this kind of behavior is really odd to me.

I guess it's just a natural human instinct to be social and just make friends, and long distance communication really messes with that

this was originally going to be a drawing for a journal entry, but the more i thought about it, it seemed more fitting to draw the imagery in a larger page, so i went for it

i had a few ideas for a visual metaphor which would symbolize these feelings i've had, so i'll probabyl end up using one of those other ideas for the actual journal entry, it'll probably be easier to draw it in a smaller space

longer description than usual, but these experiences have left enough of a mark on me that i still think about it ocassionally.

This recent person i've become fixated with doesn't constantly occupy my mind anymore, nor is it as intense as the first person i obsessed over. still it was a bit worrying that it would happen again.

i think my life situation being much better now helps a lot to keep it from becoming unhealthy