What a ride this year was. Landlord problems, cold & moldy wet rooms, relationship and hormone issues, lacking funds, depression diagnosis and digestive problems… the list goes on. For the most part, I think the better of us can agree that this year will be over finally, and I have high hopes that the next year will be a little easier on everyone involved, including myself. More peace, less war. More good vibes, more fun. And overall, less stress. It’s been a slow killer for my motivation and creativity, and I am still holding onto fine threads as to not slip into another mental episode. I can’t keep count how many times I just wanted to… give up. I had and still have bad, bad thoughts that I shouldn’t have about myself, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I am still in the process of bringing up enough confidence to speak to someone professional about it, but this shadow will always remain with me. This monster. I’ve been trying my best not to be negative, and in all honesty, art and talking to people is my only distraction at this point. I hide behind a mask that people want to see whenever my knees hit the sharp rocks below, because what is behind it is… not good. Innocent, helpless, but not good. Not a good influence. But it is how it is. I spare everyone my pain, everyone has their own share of it. I get back up, I continue. I proceed. I try to help others along the way because it heals, and I will continue doing so because it’s needed.

Nevertheless, not everything has been bad. I got to know a lot of awesome and sweet people along the way, even if connections feel temporary these days. I still hope to establish more close connections over the next year, especially once I begin doing streams or similar… maybe even try VRchat again to hang out with folks around the world once I re-learn rigging 3D models. I really miss the old times.

That being said, I am not the most social butterfly around and I blame nobody for it. I may need something, or someone to guide me with it, socially. But I don’t really know anyone who would put up with ALL my weirdness lol. It is a war that I fight with myself. I am also not the most emotionally stable. But you know what? Ive come to accept it. This year. Ive come to accept myself. The weirdo that doesn’t know who or what she wants to be. Just herself, and her art, her fantasy. Ive come to realize that I am… sort of trans-ish? I am not in the best position to accept this part about myself yet, my family is super traditional and they dislike any sort of mention of it in their house. I would only make a clown of myself, even if my partner supports me with it all the time. So, I guess I just have to wait until I can afford what I want to do with myself and pull through with it… but I have a feeling that even the slightest change would make me feel more, well, like me. And I don’t even ask a lot. Just a tiny change. And as you might have noticed, I take my personal art very… personal. In that regard.

In any case, the sci-fi project that my partner and I are working on has also helped me grow, both artistically and emotionally. It shaped me. I wanted to give up on it so many times, because I don’t feel like I add enough value to it due to my obsession in drawing so much personal art, but that is how I function. I don’t have much self worth, I look for it in my art. I hold on, I endure. And maybe, maybe it’ll lead somewhere meaningful someday.

I could say so much more, but I don’t have enough time. Gotta cook dinner.

Thank you all for reading my honest words, and regardless of how this text made you feel - know that you are not alone. You’re never alone.

I wish you a peaceful, happy new year. Love you all, and a massive thanks to all our supporters who have brought Transentience closer to reality. It wouldn’t have been possible without you.