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![[LORE] Brisa's Backstory](http://d.furaffinity.net/art/thatdamnfish/stories/1767278691/1767278523.thumbnail.thatdamnfish_brisa_lore.odt.gif "Click to change the View")
I know I'm not the best writer, but I tried XD,
Hope it all makes sense, bc this is also one of my better attempts at writing a backstory for one of my OCs
Hope it all makes sense, bc this is also one of my better attempts at writing a backstory for one of my OCs
Category Story / All
Species Shark
Size 120 x 102px
File Size 50.6 kB
As you probably know, I am an author. That's why I'm highlighting what you described well from my perspective and what you could (perhaps) do better in the future. I won't comment on spelling and grammar, as English is not my native language either and I still have a lot to learn in this regard.
First of all: You should not be afraid to describe specific places and names in one or two sentences instead of interrupting the flow of reading with your own interjections. There's nothing stopping you from writing "To the island of Xeyokha she came by pure accident." See? There is no reason to disrupt the flow of reading. It is even detrimental, because it pulls the reader out of the story for a brief moment. Don't be afraid to do the opposite in the future. You can even go further and describe the place in more detail. I mean: If you have come up with such an interesting name, it is undoubtedly a place of great significance. You can go full out if you want on that or keep it rather simple by adding something like "tropical island" to add more pictures into the readers heads. Besides of that, the first passage is good. I think it wouldn't hurt if you add a little note about Brisa's body height, to make a reader who hasn't seen your character's ref sheet aware of her stature.
The pacing in the second and third section of Brisa's introduction is excellent. Although it is very brief, it shows the modest beginnings and gradual changes over time. It also shows certain differences in the behavior of both characters. I guess you don't want to go too much into detail what "unexpected events" occurred. You could use this passage in your text to arouse the curiosity of your readers by simply adding something like "like the incident xxx which paved the way for xxx. But again: not needed.
I was about to suggest that it would be a nice idea if you add something like that she forget everything around her, especially the dangers of the sea, in the thrill of the hunt. But as I noticed, you did something similar in the next sentence. Good!
In the rather concise introductory text, you described the fight scene well. If this were a novel, it would undoubtedly have been at least five times longer. But this is perfect. Short and on point. Same goes for the events which came shortly after. You can feel the sadness, now that the rush of the literary adrenaline with the battle scene is gone.
I think the whole introduction of the ring and the sparring scene was very good. Pacing and description felt excellent for this kind of introduction text. I wouldn't have done anything differently, except for the moment when Brisa shakes this mysterious feeling off her mind. I mean: It's authentic, no doubt. However, I would have added one or two more sentences or at least something to emphasize her inner struggle. You did that with the next sentence when Brisa was aware of her friend being on the ground. But in my opinion it would have been nice if you added fragments of thought or consciousness right before the "awakening" to showcase how her real self fought against the demons in her head and slowly took over again. But again: This is nitpicking. And in light of the events that happened immediately afterwards and were described so eloquently, it is not tragic at all.
You have talent and a vivid imagination. That's exactly what I'd expect from someone who can illustrate such interesting scenes. Keep it up!
First of all: You should not be afraid to describe specific places and names in one or two sentences instead of interrupting the flow of reading with your own interjections. There's nothing stopping you from writing "To the island of Xeyokha she came by pure accident." See? There is no reason to disrupt the flow of reading. It is even detrimental, because it pulls the reader out of the story for a brief moment. Don't be afraid to do the opposite in the future. You can even go further and describe the place in more detail. I mean: If you have come up with such an interesting name, it is undoubtedly a place of great significance. You can go full out if you want on that or keep it rather simple by adding something like "tropical island" to add more pictures into the readers heads. Besides of that, the first passage is good. I think it wouldn't hurt if you add a little note about Brisa's body height, to make a reader who hasn't seen your character's ref sheet aware of her stature.
The pacing in the second and third section of Brisa's introduction is excellent. Although it is very brief, it shows the modest beginnings and gradual changes over time. It also shows certain differences in the behavior of both characters. I guess you don't want to go too much into detail what "unexpected events" occurred. You could use this passage in your text to arouse the curiosity of your readers by simply adding something like "like the incident xxx which paved the way for xxx. But again: not needed.
I was about to suggest that it would be a nice idea if you add something like that she forget everything around her, especially the dangers of the sea, in the thrill of the hunt. But as I noticed, you did something similar in the next sentence. Good!
In the rather concise introductory text, you described the fight scene well. If this were a novel, it would undoubtedly have been at least five times longer. But this is perfect. Short and on point. Same goes for the events which came shortly after. You can feel the sadness, now that the rush of the literary adrenaline with the battle scene is gone.
I think the whole introduction of the ring and the sparring scene was very good. Pacing and description felt excellent for this kind of introduction text. I wouldn't have done anything differently, except for the moment when Brisa shakes this mysterious feeling off her mind. I mean: It's authentic, no doubt. However, I would have added one or two more sentences or at least something to emphasize her inner struggle. You did that with the next sentence when Brisa was aware of her friend being on the ground. But in my opinion it would have been nice if you added fragments of thought or consciousness right before the "awakening" to showcase how her real self fought against the demons in her head and slowly took over again. But again: This is nitpicking. And in light of the events that happened immediately afterwards and were described so eloquently, it is not tragic at all.
You have talent and a vivid imagination. That's exactly what I'd expect from someone who can illustrate such interesting scenes. Keep it up!
Thank you for such commentary,
I know I could do better at those points, but my main struggle is, I have more of a technician brain, I like to rather have list of most important things than "fancy text" like I did here XD.
But I try to get myself out of my comfort zone and try different things. Also didn't wanted to go into extreme details, as I want to use some of those mysteries for my art pieces, plus I still try to figure out my world and stuff. In term of LORE im still a newbie.
Again thanks for comment like that, those are fuel for any artist :>
I know I could do better at those points, but my main struggle is, I have more of a technician brain, I like to rather have list of most important things than "fancy text" like I did here XD.
But I try to get myself out of my comfort zone and try different things. Also didn't wanted to go into extreme details, as I want to use some of those mysteries for my art pieces, plus I still try to figure out my world and stuff. In term of LORE im still a newbie.
Again thanks for comment like that, those are fuel for any artist :>
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