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Chapter Twenty Seven

“WUDDINTARNATION?” Daggum bellowed again, his deep voice sounding like he was gargling wet cement as he talked.

“Henry?” Ethan asked nervously, his glowing spellhammer held in front of him. “If Daggum is half as strong as Opisthia said he is, he can trash this ship like it's made of newspaper! What's the plan?”

Jade shook her head. “That's—”

“The plan is to give Jah Beryge the biggest fish fry they’ve ever had!” I yelled, sprinting for our slimy hitchhiker.

I charged Splatsy with magic as I ran, and Daggum raised one of his massive, clawed hands. As soon as I came within reach, he lashed out, and I dropped to my knees. The rainwater on the floor let me slide right beneath his attack, and then deliver a savage blow to his scaly kneecaps.

The magic exploded out of Splatsy, and Daggum howled in pain. While he was off balance, I sprang back to my feet and took another swing, this one aimed at his face. Two rows of knifelike teeth sat just behind his fishy lips, and I wanted to see how many I could knock out with one attack. I swung—

“WUDDIN!”

—and, moving faster than I would have thought possible, Daggum's hand shot out and grabbed Splatsy just before she connected. His hand was so big that it was able to wrap almost all the way around her wooden head. With a snarl, he raised its arm, raising Splatsy up with it. And of course, Splatsy brought me with her.

“TARNATION!”

Oh, poop sauce, I thought before the monster hurled me across the deck. All I could do was flip myself over so I didn't land on my poor, overly abused head, but I still crashed butt-first onto the Jiggly Trombone’s deck and went sliding until I hit the rail on the other side. My entire body lit up with pain, but I ignored it and scrambled back to my feet. Ethan was by my side half a second later. I looked around, and realized with a lurch that Daggum had turned his attention to Jade.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Ethan yelled.

“I'm fine! We need to help…” I looked at him in surprise. “Huh?”

“Did you forget what Opisthia said?” he demanded. “We can't fight this thing! This is the exact situation he told us to avoid!”

“Yeah, as if we’re dumb enough to fall for that,” I shot back.

He stared at me. “What?”

I glanced anxiously at Jade. She was holding a rusty cutlass she must have found lying around somewhere—it was pretty pirate-y—and was dancing around Daggum's slow but devastating attacks as gracefully as the wind itself. Every once in a while, she would strike, but there was no way that puny little blade would ever be able to pierce Daggum's scales.

She was fighting on a time limit. There was no telling how long that limit was, but eventually even she, with her centuries of practiced skill, would dodge a heartbeat too late and end up on the wrong end of Daggum's claws. The damage wouldn't be permanent since that wasn't her real body, but she could still feel pain.

Besides, this was my Trial. Daggum was standing between me and rescuing my family. That meant it was my fight!

“It's part of the test!” I explained as quickly as I could. “He said it himself: he's dedicated to eradicating evil. Well, that thing is as evil as it is ugly! If we go back to Jah Beryge without killing it, what do you think he’ll say?”

“He already said that—”

“Exactly! He’ll say that anyone who’s willing to let something that evil continue existing in our world doesn’t deserve to be called the Hunter, and we’ll fail the Trial!” I tapped the side of my head. “He’s trying to trick us, but I’ve got him figured out. This is the real test!”

Before Ethan could respond, Jade zipped to the side, and Daggum buried one of his fists in the floor. The attack missed, but when he wrenched his arm free, splinters of wood as big as my hand went flying everywhere.

This time, Jade wasn't able to react quickly enough, and she grunted in pain when a shard of wood went careening past, slicing open her cheek. The wound was light, but blood still began to spill down the side of her face.

That was it! Shoving Ethan out of the way, I drew Prinkle—or maybe it was Prunkle—and charged him with magic while I sprinted back into the fight.

Daggum turned to face me again, and I tossed the Prankles can up into the air. His bulbous eyes followed it for a second, but then refocused on me since I was clearly the bigger threat. I grinned. Prinkle arched above his head, coming down behind him—and I mentally released my magic.

The glowing blue spring-snake rocketed out of the can, striking Daggum right between his slimy shoulder blades while the can shot away in the opposite direction, clattering to the floor.

“WUD!” he exclaimed, taking half a step forward before turning to look over his shoulder.

While he was distracted I wound up and slammed Splatsy into the side of his head. I grunted as the force of the impact ran up my arms. Beer belly or no beer belly, he was one strong mothercrumpet, and his ugly face stopped my attack right in its tracks as if I’d just struck a five foot thick concrete wall. He teetered to the side just the slightest bit, but then turned to glare down at me.

Salmon and peanut butter sandwiches, I thought as his fist rose again.

Moving quickly, I grabbed Globber off my belt and whipped him up into the air. He globbed onto the mast, yoinking me after him just as Daggum swung, smashing yet another hole into the floor. Luckily, there was a sort of boat-basement beneath the floor, so none of those holes put us at risk of sinking. Ethan was right, though. If we let this guy rampage for much longer, he would end up tearing the Jiggly Trombone apart from its boat-face to its boat-butt.

I imagined the three of us—four, if Captain Kook didn’t decide to go down with the ship—paddling our way back to Jah Beryge on a hunk of driftwood. That would take forever. If I wanted to get back in time to meet Ichabod’s deadline, I needed to end this fight quickly.

Daggum was infuriatingly resistant to being hammered in the face, though, and that was what my entire fighting style revolved around. How was I going to—

A painful shock zigzagged down my leg as a raindrop landed on Spazzy Basil. My eyes widened at the betrayal…and then they widened even more when I realized what he was trying to tell me.

“Spazzy Basil, you’re a genius!” I yelled.

All of this happened in the space of a few seconds, and Globber’s momentum still had me swinging rings around and around the Jiggly Trombone’s mast. Daggum looked up at me, his head turning in little circles as he watched. With one hand, I shrank Splatsy down and hooked her to my belt. Then I un-globbed Globber and repositioned myself in midair before re-globbing him to the bottom of the mast’s sky bucket, which sent me swinging down the length of the ship Tarzan-style.

It took Daggum’s goldfish brain a few seconds to process the sudden turn of events, and by the time he began to raise his hands to catch me, it was too late. I snatched Spazzy Basil from my belt and, with a dexterous spin, slapped him onto Daggum’s back as I sped past.

“TARRR!” Daggum growled in outrage. He angrily swung a clawed hand, but Globber yoinked me safely out of his reach, and I was sent flying back toward the sky bucket.

“Henry, that isn't—” Jade yelled, appearing in the sky bucket in a flash of light. I rocketed past her before she could finish, though, and her voice was lost to the roaring wind in my ears.

Back down I came. I knew immediately that my momentum was going to send me flying right off the boat, so I flung Globber out again. He globbed onto the Jiggly Trombone’s railing just before I hit the water, and I was yoinked forward. My feet skimmed across the surface like I was water skiing for a few seconds, sending small jets of white spray shooting up behind me, before Globber pulled me upwards again and catapulted me back onto the ship.

As I flew, I drew Splatsy again, but kept her in one-handed form. She burst into bright blue light as I channeled magic into her. I landed, skidding a few feet, and flung Globber out yet again. He globbed onto the bottom of the mast, just a few feet behind where Daggum was standing.

“WUDDINTAR!” Daggum roared as I came shooting across the boat toward him.

He raised his hand, ready to slice me to ribbons when I got too close, but I un-globbed Globber and used my momentum to flip up and over his slimy, scaly claws. Then, as soon as I was close enough, I spun in midair and smashed Splatsy into Daggum’s back, transferring all of her magic to Spazzy Basil in the blink of an eye.

“TAAAAARRRRRR!” Daggum howled in pain as lightning was sent coursing through his fishy—and more importantly, wet—body.

The attack only lasted a fraction of a second, but the effect was immediately noticeable. Smoke rose from the scales near Spazzy Basil, and Daggum collapsed to one knee.

“Wuuuuu…” he groaned weakly.

My momentum sent me sliding me away from him, but I dug my heels into the rain-soaked wood, charging my shoes and Splatsy at the same time. My shoes exploded, sending me back the way I had just come.

Daggum had been stunned by my last attack, but he was recovering quickly. Now that he knew what Spazzy Basil was capable of, getting the joy buzzer off his back would become his first priority. I'd found an advantage, and if I wanted to keep it, I was going to have to act fast!

Going to my knees again, I slid between Daggum's legs before springing back to my feet. I spun, flinging Globbed away to make an escape with one hand, and Splatsifying Spazzy Basil with the other.

“NATIOOOON!”

Globber latched onto something behind me just as Daggum lashed out. He was too disoriented to do anything but strike blindly, though, and I zipped out of his reach untouched. I watched with gritted teeth as he began to pat his scaly back, searching for Spazzy Basil.

“Fish fingers and custard!” I cursed, and flung Globber at him again. He flew straight and true, globbing onto Daggum's hand just as his fingertips brushed against Spazzy Basil. The fish-thing jerked his hand back around in surprise, which in turn yoinked me toward him even faster than usual. I charged Splatsy for the final blow, and—

Daggum swung his fist, delivering a briny backhand directly to my face.

Pain exploded in my skull, and everything went white. It took a few seconds for my head to clear, but when my vision came back, I realized I was lying on the Jiggly Trombone’s floor, looking up at the cloudy sky as Daggum clasped his fists together and raised them in preparation for jellifying my head the rest of the way.

“Oh, fugu,” I muttered.

His fists came hurtling down toward me, a green and foul smelling meteor, and I braced myself for death…

And then he froze.

The smell of fried fish filled the air, and Daggum gave a weak, wet gurgle. There was smoke rising from his back, I realized. A thick purple tongue flopped out of his mouth, and he toppled forward to fall flat on his fishy face.

Ethan was standing behind him, crystal spellhammer glowing brightly as he clutched it tight.

“What,” he said, his eyes sliding between me and the fallen monster, “would you do without me?”

Before he could react, I leaped to my feet and threw my arms around him.

“Henry, wha—”

I ignored him, squeezing tighter and tighter. In those few seconds when I'd thought I was about to die, all I'd been able to see were the faces of my family. Ethan hadn't just saved my life today. He’d saved everyone I loved and cared about, and I just wanted to keep squeezing him until he popped under the force of all my—

“Ahem!”

I opened my eyes and saw Jade standing nearby, hands on her hips and a thoroughly displeased look on her face. Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I let Ethan go and stepped back.

“Well,” I said, my cheeks turning blue with embarrassment, “now that Daggum's out of the way, getting to the key should be a lot easier!”

Ethan paused, scratching his head. “I still don't get it. Why would Opisthia tell us we couldn't kill this thing when we obviously could?”

I already told you why,” I said, retrieving Spazzy Basil and Prinkle—or was it Prunkle?—and putting them back on my belt.

“But that doesn't make any sense!” he insisted. “Opisthia’s been completely up front with us about everything so far. It doesn't make sense that he would suddenly decide to lie to us now.”

“That's because he didn't.”

Ethan and I turned to look at Jade.

“What do you mean?” I asked, a pit forming in my stomach.

She glared at me. “Would it kill you to listen once in a while? I've been trying to tell you, that isn't Daggum!”

As if on cue, the ocean surrounding the Jiggly Trombone began to churn like a pot of boiling seafood soup.

“That's one of the deepnecks,” she went on, her eyes wide. “One of Daggum’s servants!”

Peering over the side of the boat, I began to make out shapes in the roiling water. Shapes that looked a lot like the thing we had just killed.

Lots of them.

“If that's not Daggum,” I said slowly, “then where—”

A geyser of seawater shot into the air at the base of the pillar, a hundred times bigger than the one “Daggum” had made when he’d boarded the ship. A hand emerged from the Sea Betwixt, and I felt my heart plunge down into my stomach.

That hand…I stared at it in horrified wonder…it was big enough that the entire Jiggly Trombone could have fit on its fingernail!

The hand rose higher and higher out of the water before grabbing hold of the pillar. I fought the urge to whimper like a little girl. It had only emerged as far as the elbow, but it was already taller than a skyscraper.

The ocean swelled, and a horrifyingly, brain-meltingly huge head broke the surface. It looked exactly like the thing we had just killed, except it was a hundred thousand times bigger.

Also, it had a mullet.

With a growl that sent gargantuan waves rippling through the ocean, it continued its climb. Another arm emerged from the water, hauling itself further up the pillar one hand at a time. The smell of putrid seafood filled the air, thick enough to make me gag. Ethan dashed over to the side of the ship and puked.

A minute later, the monstrosity was in full view. It had the same scaly green, beer bellied body as the deepneck we'd just killed, but in addition to its mullet, it sported a filthy white wifebeater that was stained with rancid body fluids and massive patches of moss and barnacles. It continued to scale the pillar, like some kind of King Kong of the Black Lagoon.

“That,” Jade said with a mixture of horror and grim satisfaction, “is Daggum.”

“GIDDERDUNNNNNNN!” he roared.


NEXT CHAPTER 1/14/26