I'm not here to render porn, I came here to sell you something ....

Introducing Baka-Master 3000™, the wonder tool of a thousand uses.

Makes applesauce in one easy step. Flattens lightbulbs for convenient storage. You want that cheeseburger to go? It's gone.

Excellent for stress relief against daily frustrations or authority figures.

Once you've seen how easy it is to use the Baka-Master, you're going to want one for every room in the house. Does a job on sticky drawers, does the same job on locked doors. Baka-Master removes unwanted fingerprints from walls, Baka-Master removes unwanted walls from fingerprints. Hey, ladies, surprise your husband ... put a door or window where you always wanted one.

Let's pause a moment here to take a closer look at this remarkable tool. Notice Baka-Master's subtle styling, deluxe wood-grain finish, and Early American design. It will compliment any kitchen decor, and stows away neatly in its own extradimensional space between uses.

Kills ants, roaches, flies, appetites ... anything that crawls into range. Teaches the dumbest dog to play dead. Puts the cat out, all night. And keeps the neighbors' kids in their own #%&* yard.

Now available at home boutiques and small arms factories everywhere.

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Made this last year for an acquaintance, Marmoe, over at the Freefall forum.

Marmoe © himself
Apologies to Gallagher.