I feel less guilty venting when there's art to accompany it xD

Sweettart on her bed under her blankey being sad which had basically been my life this whole last few months

Everything sucks, it seems like things will only get worse until I eventually die, and I'll probably die sooner than later cuz of health problems, which is probably a blessing honestly

Because I worry I am going to outlive everyone and no one will be able to take care of me

I have no stability or support system, I have no income or money or place of my own to live. If something happens to my parents I have nowhere to go. I used to have friends who always said they'd be there for me if things got bad I could always live with them, but they decided they hate me and blocked me with no explanation

I worry every day about my parents getting senile and/or dying, not because of my own stability but because my mom is my best and only friend and I'm overly attached to her and can't stand it if anything happens to her

But as a deep thinker I think about how I'm younger and will probably outlive her

It's a terrifying thought that in 10 years she'll be 80 and I'll be 50

As a neurodivergent I can't handle change. So I have been crying for months over this. People have told me I'm wasting my tears on stuff that didn't even happen but I know it will happen some day which makes me unable to enjoy my current life

I wish I could live in the moment and enjoy my life and do what I want, go where I want, dress how I want

But these crippling fears of the future paralyze me and dominate my life. On top of that I have no money. Admittedly, if I had income and could do what I wanted, or even able to drive a car, id be a lot happier

I was doing pretty good but ever since I got into a relationship it's been bad again and idk if it's a coincidence of other things happening or cuz now I have another person I care about who I stress about losing

Other things that may be contributing is the fact it's deep dark winter and I am trapped inside, being on new meds, being on birth control, etc

And there's the long list of other problems with my life, like living in a dangerous hoarder house and never being able to clean it, never being able to accomplish anything, no independence or income, my dog being a problem, and so on and so forth

I'm thinking of rehoming all my animals, even the low maintenance ones because I can't afford them and my motivation to take care of them is so low. I do take care of them right now but only the bare minimum

Anyway, I have been crying a lot, this week I cried in public several times and cried a bunch at home and in front of my mom etc

Sorry for this extremely long be t I am just really suffering and want to kill myself. What I truly want is for things to be better but it's impossible and I can't make my mom live forever so instead I want to die. Fuckt logic I know

And I swear to God if anyone says "just enjoy the time you have together" I'll punch you in the fucking face cuz you missed the whole point and that doesn't make me feel better at all, it never has. And yes I've had this problem since I was a kid and it only gets worse

Thanks for reading

I often feel guilty for venting and being unprofessional but I can't sensor myself to make other people comfortable, I just can't. If you don't like it I'm sorry. Unfollow me