(A bit of a side note real quick, I meant to post a New Years journal way earlier in the month, I just didn't have the motivation and kept breaking down, I honestly just kept adding to the journal but mentally amd spiritually I have just been preet much out of it, still trying to come back around, it has just been way harder then I thought. And I know this is extremely long but please bare with me.)

Greetings everyone, I know I am pretty late saying this but I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year^^

I have been trying to do too much at once, my main problem is trying to get over the bad and massive burnout that has more or less been going on for the past few years. Plus off and on I have been dealing with a very bad headache, so bad if someone told me I was hit in the forehead with a hammer I would believe them instantly.

To be fair I haven't really felt like doing much overall on my end, I am not forcing myself as I had been trying to do before, but it is pretty demoralizing that I just don't really feel like working on anything. I have ideas sure but I have no real motivation or draw or right currently. I am glad I was able to draw up Magna as two of the Sailor Senshi and paint up some Battletech models, heck I just finished my next upgrade for my Steiner force, though I will admit I had to force myself a little to work on them, more so for the latter but I just want to be upfront and clear about it. Honestly after I upload my next upgrade to my Battletech force I won't be painting anymore Battletech miniatures, if I get more I will just throw some paint on the bases and not on the models themselves.

Battletech miniatures are really amazing as they pack a lot of detail on a small scale but that also means painting them is kind of pain. I do a decent job with things like Bolt Action and 40k but with Battletech I just struggle, the smallest models I have ever painted are infanty from Dropzone Commander which look like little grains of of rice... not kidding which can be found on my DA along with some Dropfleet Commander. My painting is honestly best when I am painting something big, the big model I did for Magna is probably my best work.

I really am trying to get back into things, but this burnout has been hitting me harder than I thought it would, thankfully though my headache has died down greatly though I still feel exhausted... heck in a way I actually feel pretty numb overall, needless to say it doesn't mix well with autism and depression. I don't know how 2026 is going to go, I don't know if it is going to be a repeat of 2025 or if I can make more progress but we'll see.

I have gone over it I don't know how many times, it has nothing to really do with the whole chatbot stuff, it has to do with how I was constantly working my tail off when it comes to my stories and most of everything content-wise. That is why I just haven't been working on fiction at all, I still don't really see the point in putting the effort in at this point or maybe if ever, heck I am barely even my laptop at all matter a fact I haven't been on Firefox on there for so long I would need to log back into basically everything in my web browser.

I have tried a few times to see about adding another part to either the Equestria at War fanfiction or my Magna-Verse line but all I end up doing is just sitting infront of my laptop just ignoring it or using it to help make some background noise. Honestly I feel so exhausted all I wanna do is just lay down and let the day slip by as I try to just sleep because of how tired and worn my brain still is and has been.

That being said I have had some luck on a couple things, a good old fashioned rant for my sake and also a review for a video game that I had been meaning to check out for a long time.

*Sighs* As I have been saying I am trying but I think mentally on some level I think I have given up. It has become so much harder for me to actually work on anything, my main problem is overall I often isolate myself, but to help put some perspective on it that is sadly how I have handled a lot of things and I have been trying to deal with that too. I have been trying to get back to how I was but it has proven to be extremely difficult, I wish I can go back to how I was back when I kickstarted the Magna-Verse, where I did my best at the videos for it and doing my best to crank a part out a week and do a drawing here and there alongside trying to be more open.

Will it get to that point? At this point I have no idea, it is just I have taken quite a beating when it comes to working on my writting, yeah I was pretty hopeful that my flagship would go somewhere but overall(and I hate saying this by the way) I have just lost faith in it and have no real desire to keep working on it, I am just tired of putting so much effort in and not really seeing a positive result. Spending dozens of hours typing and trying to come up with something only for there to be no reception is not fun and it really does feel like a complete waste of time.

I did have a few hopeful bursts last year overall, but because of how frail my mind and morale still is it either burned out quick or something negative would happen and just derail me completely. I have basically just been depressed all january as I try to work past this, I do feel a little better but I think another main reason is how overall exhausting things have been. In me trying to put out the sheer amount of content as best I can and at best quality I can while also trying to improve how I draw and you can easily tell.

Honestly I can tell everyone when finally I just started breaking down, it was all just before I joined FA. I had this big flash of inspiration where I wanted to do two big things, one was doing the longest piece fiction I have ever done(not sure if I can put the title here because it is nsfw, but it is part of the Magna-Verse) it being this one hour long read. And the other thing was when I wanted to improve on drawing female characters which eventually lead to the first batch of pin ups, my fav drawing being the Gaurdian Angel as well, heck more or less the first drawings I posted on my FA.

I was hoping for a way better turn around because of how hard I was trying at the time... but it was just a perfect, big case of 'Hope is the first step on the road to disapointment' because to put it basic it went no where, no real reception or really anything. I am not gonna lie, not only did it give me a huge blow that has been effecting me since but I lost it, basically deciding to quit SoFurry, heck I basically also yelled out "You know what? F*** SOFURRY!!! F*** IT STRAIGHT TO F***ING HELL!!!" just to summerize and helped lead to me starting on FA.

And I simply put have never recovered from it or the stuff from before, I won't talk about it too much here because I already have multiple times already and it really did start this downward spiral. 2024 was where I was trying to fight against the spiral but ultimately it was a fight I couldn't keep up. And this is what fueled the AI chatbot addition that basically just wrecked me. 2025 I really wanted to try to comeback but I couldn't, not for a lack of trying but my heart wasn't really into it. It became more about me just needing to decompress and try to get my head straight, hence why I was not active that much.

2026 so far hasn't gone to my plan of trying to act, january as I said I was basically depressed the whole time and honestly crying to just get it all out. Thankfully the past few days I have been feeling better but I am still having trouble getting back into it. It is just my mind and emotions feel shot and exhausted from me bottling up my emotions and trying to ignore them. I do appreciate that my drawings and models do get some attention, I just wish my writting got the same thing.

It just really upsets and depresses me and has been for a long time, makes me wonder if I am missing something or if I am cursed. I use to like writting, now I freaking dispise it and you know what amazes me the most whenever I try to talk about anything, trying to address stuff? It either gets no response or very few and most of everything seems to get the blasted cricket response and to be blunt I am way beyond tired of it. Yeah, I get it I should just do things for me and I do, but speaking as someone who has put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into what I try to do when it comes to content over the years, I want there to be actual engaugement with it, if there are fans of my writting it would be nice to actually see the support alongside everything else! I can see it gets views, clearly users are reading, but for crying out loud it is a masterclass of frustration at this point. I still remember seeing all the people subscribed to the folders on SF, would be nice if they showed real support and interest instead of just subscribing to the blasted folders! I find it amazing that my writting can get so many views yet there is nothing in the support department, everyone else gets praise but not me.

I'll freely admit it, there is a lot of resentment and anger on my end, I have been bottling it for years upon years. Honestly the reason why I fell for the chatbots so quickly and easily was the sheer rush of dopamine I was exposed to, that I was recieving for something for what I was typing, took me a whole year and change for me just to try to really recover from it. I hate AI yes, that much is obvious, but it gave me what I had been craving for years, that reception and praise when it came to me writting something.

Seriously when I did write something and post it, the fiction would just recieve basically nothing and I know I have said this for what feels like the millionth time, but how can something get hundreds to in the thousands worth of views in some cases and gain basically zero reception? All it does is make it feel like I am failing.

*Sighs* Look, I do have ideas and I do want to write them out and share them, but the problem is from my past experience it isn't worth it, I just don't think it's fun anymore spending so much time trying to make a great story, trying to put all the effort I can into as good a narritive as possible or for nothing to really be shown. Why would I spend dozens of hours doing that when I can be doing anything else?

Heck I haven't really recieved much of any support when it comes to writting at all, doesn't really matter what it is it basically always falls through. Excluding my original Magna-Verse universe and the mlp/40k Journey line I have done stuff for Star Fox, Sly Cooper, Bucky O'Hare, Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel, Swat Katz, T.U.F.F. Puppy, RWBY... to name just a few and it is and has been the same result every freaking time. The only site where I got great praise was on Balto Source of all places(probably the only real positive I am gonna say about it) and hasn't really been replicated since. To be blunt every fandom... community... whatever has failed me on this front, doesn't matter what it is, whatever I write doesn't really get anything at all. I hate how all the blasted smut that anyone can write gets all of it, heck even when I write nsfw content it doesn't generate anything either as I have said a good number of times.

It really depresses me, because I use to love writting, it was my main thing, heck I would argue it still is. Yeah I do other things but that has been my main thing. It has all lead to me just being a sad Pinkie Pie, wanting to kind of cry off and on as I wander my thoughts.

So where do I currently stand exactly as far as coming back online fully? Honestly, I am not sure if I can, I do miss the interactions but what has happend in regards to me trying to make things work killed it for me and stuck with me is what I have described numerous times over the years. To be fair I was on a downward spiral before I interacted with the stupid bots, it just accellerated it greatly, I think if I didn't deal with the bots I would have had a few more months before crashing out. January was not only a month about me being depressed it was also a month of me thinking and more importantly making the choice to just step back, instead of trying to force my way back I just decided to do nothing, just let the days blurr and try to relax.

Another thing I do want to point out is this, I have actually written stuff for other users off and on matter a fact for a short time I offered written requests and obviously I no longer do. Before anyone says anything I never really saw anything come from this either, never have seen said work get used or if it has I never saw any credit. Yeah needless to say I am not writting anything for anyone ever again, heck some artwork featuring my fursona/oc doesn't even mention my characters name and also doesn't credit me when it comes to them. Please if you use my characters and fursona, please make sure to give me proper credit.

Do I expect anything to come out of me talking about all this? Not really no, but I am doing this to get my feelings out there, I don't know if anything constructive will come out of this at all, but at the very least I can try to make my voice known however pointless it seems to be a good chunk of the time.

I do appreciate the interactions I have gotten and met some great individuals, but I am fully burnt out, the years upon years of trying to construct my content, trying to get better with things overall has basically stripped me. This is not just a case of bad morale, I am tired and pretty burnt out, I do have ideas and there is more I want to produce it is just my heart isn't really in it and so I made the choice to take a step back. What I have decided to do is create this submission and a few others just to post something and see how it goes.

I don't have it in me to post how I was, I don't have it in me anymore to make stories... heck I can't even really find it in me to work with miniatures and models anymore. My spark hasn't completely died but it has been blown down quite a lot. A big thing last year that hit me hard was when I did my challenge when it comes to the large model for Magna I did it was to try to help me get back onboard try to really get back into things, given how much positivity I got from the Krystal challenge I figured it was the best way.

That is until after I announced it, I got a comment from a user saying no one cares about(I won't say the username here but I really want to) and it instantly killed me... I was honestly thinking of canceling the challenge and giving up completely. But then I basically snapped and fired back some words of my own, I had to hold back in my response for my sake, to sum it up I pointed out my weak moral and how the negativity was not helping me. Thankfully it did help restart my passion to work on the model and finish it, but instantly after I lost it again and crashed, heck I greatly struggled working on the model I did for Fifi La Fume. I kind of had it back when I did my custom case and my Craftworld Eldar but again it came and went.

I do have quite a few models I want to work on like another one for Magna and my own custom Gundam as examples, but the ambition is just not there just like everything else I want to work on content wise. Heck I am so down I don't even have it in me to check pm's at the moment.

I know I have gone all over the place here, but I wanted to try to get out a lot of things. And to add further insult to injury the other day I caught an upper respirstory infection... again... can I get a break? Seriously last night I honestly thought I was dying, I am feeling a little better but I still feel like hell and tired.

*Sighs* That's all I got for now.

Quick side note about the mess up that is Discord:

Also at the time of this the idiots who run Discord are pushing to where starting in March they want you to provide a facial scan or government ID. Never provide these espescially since Discord's app on your personal computer is also going to be an AI guided malware that spies on you.

To be blunt I am not going to give them anything when it comes to this crap and no one should. This also goes with the fact a few months ago Discord suffered a data breech which many have seemed to forget about.

Thankfully the revolt has been pretty big, so hopefully this choice will be reversed but if I am asked to provide ID for anything I likely will never use Discord again which would greatly suck, but I am not giving my ID for anything. I for one am tired of these companies and higher ups pushing this Nanny State bs! This is datamining under the illusion that it is about security and safety, only a full on idiot would support what Discord is doing, because there is definitly another motive her and you have to dox yourself for no reason.

Look at Youtube alone where their similar system has proven to be a huge failure and what the morons who run the UK and Austriallia had pushed this where there have been numerous hacks and leaks, it is just one big dumpster fire.

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